Seven years.

​Woke up solemn today.  Got up because that is what I have done for the 5 last years on this day.  It’s what we do.  We continue to move forward. Carrying the heartache and grief with us. We find happiness. We have guilt. We lean on our friends and loved ones.  I think today is a good day to focus on happiness. Memories. And love.   Crying isn’t weakness. Without love there are no tears.  

Christmas is a hard time for so many.  My goal today is to share some love.  Compliment a stranger.  Put a smile on someone’s face.  And feel the love of my angels. ❤️❤️

Dear Meepaw

He made it here.  Our grandson.  You already know his name is Richard Lucas Johnson.  How I desperately wish he could talk and tell me all the things he learned from you.  I look at him and I see your eyes, and his dad’s mischievousness. Thank you making sure he has dark hair. I struggle with confusing Jake and Levi’s baby pics. 

You’d be so proud of our son. He is just as attentive to Emily as you were to me.  He was completely brought to tears over the thought that his beautiful wife was willing to go through an emergency s-section to bring our grandson into this world. As you already know he’s absolutely perfect.  

I’m so scared.  I’m scared of loving someone again so very much only to have him taken from me.  I’m scared of disappointing our son and daughter-in-law by not being a good enough Meemaw. I wish you were here to help me through this.   I’m glad you’re in heaven to help me through this.  Thank you for all you have taught him and for always watching over us.  Let Jake know,,,,  we all have got this. ❤️😂

grandson #3

Richard Lucas Johnson made his grand debut May 7,2021 and true to the Johnson style, Jake and Emily’s birth plan was thrown out the window and he demanded to come emergency c-section. Mom and baby did great and Meemaw got to meet him on May 10. Mother’s Day. ❤️❤️

This little man has stolen our hearts   I got to spend a whole week with my kids and just enjoyed being able to soak in this little Wookie of ours.

Because it was a longer trip down than normal, I was able to meet up with my dear friend Kim and have lunch and catch up with her (no pic because I suck lol) and Levi’s best friend in elementary school and I went for lunch   Man I love that kid  so much.  All in all a fantastic soul fulfilling week.  

well 2020 is what it is,, a slap in the face or.....

 What a year this has been!  March  came and so did Corona Virus!!  AKA Covid-19.. and for the first time in as long as I can remember, the world came together in it"s fight against this unknown illness and the rate it was taking the lives of loved ones.

Tom and I headed to St George to celebrate Levi’s birthday.  We went to Red Robin #traditions, we enjoyed each other and remembered that stinker with love. 

April, Heavens, I need to be better at updating this!!  The state went into lockdown, HQY moved everyone home for health purposes.  It’s been insane I tell you.  However during this pandemic Tom and I decided it was time to cross another item off our bucket list, and we bought our first camper!  WE LOVE IT!! Sleeps us quite comfortably!!  And it will work for a couple years, then we will get a bigger one! (I hope! LOL)

May, Tom took me out of town for memorial day weekend, so I didn’t sit and think.  We went camping and had so much fun!

June, I surprised Kenz and went to St George for her birthday.  We had a blast, went to Sand Hollow Lake and played all day with Jeff, Kenz, Jake, Emily and some of Kenzie’s friends.  We just had a blast.

July,, WE GOT MARRIED!!!  And it was gorgeous and amazing! Even through the pandemic,, yes we are still in the midst of it!  Andrea let us use her back yard, and OMG it was beautiful! We had it at 8 PM, served cake and icecream with sodas and that was all,, we had about 50 people that came.  My family and Tom’s mom could not come due to the pandemic.  They were missed, however, we were able to live stream it on facebook, so those that wanted to could see it.  I will post pictures as soon as I get them from the photographer.  We had to find one last minute because the one we had booked came in contact with someone who had covid and canceled the day before.  Luckily She is ok and we found someone to take some amazing pictures <3 

We went to Lake Powell on our honeymoon for a week.. IT was amazing, and we had so much fun.  Just us, no cell service, no kids, no dogs, no pressure!  <3 <3 <3

That brings us to August,, we went camping up in tollgate and found a camping spot that we can rent every year for $350,, June 1 - May 31.  So we are heading up there next weekend to clear the land and get it ready! SO EXCITING!!!  

Our friends Julie and Greg are getting married next week and we can’tt wait to see that happen!!  <3 <3 <3

I will post pics later.  As I get them in.  Let me just say, I am the luckiest lady in the world! 

Pangs of Grief,, keep coming, milestones too

Anyone ever tell you that you "should" be able to move on or be over the loss of a loved one please send them my way!!!

There is no timeline,, at times I desperately wish there was.  I would love to know when I can expect life to get back to "normal"  hahaha

This morning, I was sitting at my desk, working from home, and glanced at my phone and this pic popped up on my timeline from 9 years ago... 9!!!!

Man did it hit me hard! Not sure if it's because his 17th birthday is in 3 weeks, or what.  I took a break and crawled up next to Tom with tears falling down my face, telling him I miss my son.  He just wrapped his arms around me so tight and let me cry.  Man I love him so much.

He will be 17 this year!  He was 11 1/2 when he was killed.  5 1/2 years have gone by since I got to celebrate a birthday with him.  Since I got to hold him in my arms, argue with him over processed foods and what's for dinner, watched him excitedly put together the newest lego set, 5 1/2 years and I still cry like it was yesterday, when I let it.  Do I wish there was a timeline for grief,, YES,, yet I am glad there isn't as well, as life has a whole new normal now that he and his dad are gone from our lives for now.  I get to remember all the good!! And the bad,, and laugh at how absurd some of the bad was, that we chose to let be bad.  

So today, I will let the tears fall as they may, and remember all I can about my baby.  I have to remind myself that it's ok to not be STRONG every day.  It's ok to cry, and let myself be vulnerable. And it's ok to struggle with this new normal. As exciting as it is, and as happy as I am, I am allowed to still miss them both, and I am so blessed that I have people in my life that accept and EXPECT me to do exactly that.

The tears don't fall as often as they used to, every once in awhile though we all need a good cry,, we need to let the hurt hit us, no matter what the hurt is...

So,  I will just keep pushing forward, with two of my all time favorite men forever in my mind, never forgotten, and every once in a while, I will let them surface and follow my heart on letting the love I have for them leak out my eyes.  if you see me leaking, feel free to hug  me.  <3 <3 <3

Goodbye 2019, hello 2020

How is 2019 almost at an end?  How have I not been blogging for almost an entire year?  I have thought of doing it often, honestly, it's tiring.  I feel like I am on repeat a lot of the time. Wake up, put my feet on the ground, one foot in front of the other. walk, move forward, brush my teeth, get dressed, go through the motions, put a smile on my face, (most days the smile is genuine nowadays),, etc etc etc.  just like everyone else.

I worry that my being happy makes others in my family sad.  I worry that they worry I will forget.  I won't,, I never could.  And I am beyond blessed that I have found the most amazing man in the entire world who loves me for me, who loves that I have loved and continue to love and want to love again, and he allows me to love them both and him and he doesn't feel threatened. So here is how 2019 has played out for our family this year!

Jacob and Emily are doing great in St George.  Jake is in school for Zoology,& working in an assisted living home for the elderly, & nd Emily is working as an ENT assistant and loves it!  They go to Disneyland as often as they can and they got to go to Europe this year and see Notre Dame before the fire that happened, the lucky ducks! I love hearing and seeing all their fun adventures they get to go on!

Jeff and Kenzie are also doing amazing in St George.  Jeff is still at the Glass place,  (I suck at knowing where my kids work honestly!) and truthfully it has been so fun watching him grow there! He has been there for a few years now and it's been amazing watching his confidence grow!! Kenzie is still at the title company and loves her job!  Their pupps are cute and spoiled as ever!  They travel as often as they can and We love hearing about their adventures too!

Heyden is celebrating one year with his girlfriend Nnanyea this month, and he is working at HealthEquity and loves it!  YAY!!

Thomas and Amber are still in Billings much to Dad and I pleading and begging them to bring Warren and move down here! LOL  they are expecting another baby boy in April,, and we can't wait!

Hannah is almost finished with school and getting ready to graduate, and working herself to the bone, being the responsible adult that she always is! Dad is always bragging about his baby girl, and how proud he is of her!

Brody is doing good and helping with projects around the house!  Dating a girl that we adore, who has a cute little girl that Rhonda gets to spoil and love on when she comes over.  <3 

Tom proposed this year on July 20!  and of course she said yes!  We are getting married July 10, 2020! Not that far off! It's been a kafufful of emotions for me to be honest.  One minute I am excited like a school girl because I have never ever been able to plan a wedding,,, I mean the first one, well let's face it, I did it to get the most amazing kids ever!, (it lasted a whole year!) the 2nd one, (the one that counted) we eloped, so this is the first wedding I have had the opportunity to plan out. But I am not 20, so we don't want to spend thousands upon thousands of $$$ on 2 hours of fun.  haha And the next minute I am in a puddle of tears out of guilt feeling like I am betraying Todd.  I know I am not, we talked about it, he told me to get married again.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that he played a huge part in bringing Tom and I together.  It's just not something I ever thought I would do again, and Tom never thought he would be doing again! hahaha

However, We have put the wedding planning on hold over the holidays!! 

We are getting ready to Celebrate Christmas with most of our kids this year!  Kenzie, Jeff, Jake and Emily are coming up next week from St George, and we are having Christmas a week early.  We are going to celebrate it on December 13 this year.  I wanted to have my babies together that day. Be together and love each other.  And they agreed so that is what we are doing!   We will pull out all the stops. have the full Christmas dinner, open presents, play games, go to temple square and see the lights, like I did the night before the accident with their dad and brother 5 years ago, and then just hang out.  This is how we are going to make memories this holiday season. 

Full of Love, happiness, and making new memories!!! 

All the best to you and yours in 2020!!!!    We love you all!!!!