An Angel disguised as a spoiled ALMOST 11 yr old

Just try to get a NORMAL picture of this kid,,, if you have succeeded, PULEASE forward it to this child's mother! 

He's spoiled,*he's the last of 6, and one his mum never thought she would have!*, he sasses back, *I blame this on teenagers being the closest siblings he has in age*,  he has a false sense of entitlement, *again,, teenagers* he thinks he's 18, when in fact he is only 10, *I blame this on being cut off from the procreation circuit after being financially responsible for 6 kids*, he only eats processed foods, *SERIOUSLY,, his dad!*, he screams, cries, throws fits, gets angry,........

He loves, he hugs, he helps, he is self sufficient for the most part, he can take things with a grain of salt, he rolls with the punches.  After his dad was in the hospital the first two times, he was staying with a friend of ours here in Nevada, after she asked him how he was doing, he got all serious and he says to her "My dad is really sick,, I don't know what he's got, but I sure hope he gets better".  Then he went off and played with his friend.  He never knows what he's going to wake up to, a dad that's feeling good, or a dad that can't keep water down.  He helps his dad test his blood sugars every day, gets his dad's insulin for him, helps him get the units he needs, he loads the dishwasher *most days*, he gets his own breakfast if Dad is too sick to get up, he makes his lunch, he folds towels, *grumbling, but he does it*, he does his laundry, he helps make dinner, he is very quiet when his dad is down, he takes care in making sure his dad is doing ok.  He rubs his dad's back, he laughs and jokes with him, tries to make his hero feel better, laugh, chuckle, anything to take his mind off his sickness. 

He's a picky eater,, *that's putting it mildly, remember the 6 hr battle of the fried rice?*  And Dad has decided it is time for this young man to try more grown up foods.  We grabbed some chicken the other day for dinner, and as per usual I was trying to figure out what boy would eat, as this chicken was an actual chicken and not processed pressed crap in the form of a nugget.  We get home put the chicken on a plate and that little smartie pants grabs a chicken leg and ATE it!  seriously??  We didn't say much as we had company over, and didn't want to make a big deal out of it in front of them, but when they left, let me tell you, we hugged that boy,, ok I hugged that boy, Dad asked how it tasted and said how proud he was that boy was willing to try new foods.

Then yesterday I get a text from Dad "Would you believe me if I told you that he ate oatmeal for breakfast"  WHAT???  seriously??  "oh and he once again, helped me get my blood sugars tested and got me some food to bring them up a little".

He's growing up,, way too fast.  He loves to help.  He loves to feel responsible.  He cries when his dad is down, he laughs and loves to make others laugh. He is completely engulfed in Dr Who, Minecraft and Legos.  He loves getting letters from his Big Brother. He is excited to go to 6th grade in the fall, and be done with elementary school *NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*, He has been a handful,, and more times than not, a HEARTFUL.  He makes me happy.  He kisses my forehead almost every night, because "Mum, Jake asked me to while he was gone", *this is something his brother has done since he was tall enough to reach my forehead*, he takes such good care of his dad, while I am at work.  Makes sure he is warm, he's laying properly *eye surgery, FACE DOWN DAD!* , makes sure everything is within reach for his dad before he leaves for school. 

I am watching my little unexpected baby become a fantastic young man.  The fits have stopped,, mostly, every once in a while one rears it's head and I am reminded how much he still needs me and his dad.  The yelling, and anger have subsided.  I walk past his bedroom and he's sitting crosslegged on his bed reading the scriptures, because "that's what we have been told to do". 

He is sooo smart.  He continues to amaze all his teachers.  I have lost count of how many times people have come up to me and mentioned how incredibly knowledgeable he is.  No idea where he got this from, but I hope he keeps his thirst for knowledge for the res of his life.

  Christmas 2012

4th grade

Jakes Eagle Court of honor, 2013

He loves his siblings and tries soo hard to get their approval and love.  Give the boy a lego set and you will not hear a peep from him until it is complete.  If it's a particularly hard one, give it to him early enough in the day that he can finish it before bed. otherwise look out! 

He has been the glue in our family through the rough times, without even knowing it.  We have had our ups, and our downs.. we've cried, laughed, hugged, cuddled, smooched on the cheeks, etc together.




Just thought it was time to put that out there, to make sure he didn't get forgotten in all the eye surgery updates, kidney failure updates, big brother on a mission updates, you know,, life....sometimes we tend to forget the little most important things out there, when the trials start stacking up,,,,

I love this kid!!!  He continues to amaze me every day.  He knows what is most important and it's family. AND  I am thrilled he chose ours to be a part of!!!!  Thank you for being the BEST you and for all your help with everything!!!!  We love you Bud!!!!

GOOD News is Good News!

So Todd had another post op appointment today.  Dr Wickens wanted to check and make sure the retna was attaching properly and not pulling away again like it looked like it was on saturday..  AND IT IS attaching properly! YAYYAYAYAYAYAYYAYA.  SMALL Victories we will definitely take.   He wants to see Todd again on Thursday and has to stay face down until then to ensure that stubborn retna keeps attaching.   No word on how much sight he will regain, there's really no way to tell until he can either see or not see.  So please! KEep those prayers coming!!!  

Love you all!

POST OP

Todd is doing great, healing well, thank heavens.  We went to his pot op appt on Monday and the dr told us he found some ventricular damage that is usually caused by a stroke, that he obviously was not expecting.  So we are not sure Todd will ever regain his vision in that eye.  I am seriously hoping this is the worst case scenario that the dr has given us, it would suck to go through all this for nothing. 

Todd has gotten ingenius in trying to watch TV while keeping his head pointed down... 

he's using my bathroom mirror to reflect the tv. hahaha

we have another post op appt today at 1.  Pray that retna is finally attaching! PLEASE!!!!

first night update

Just a quick note on how our first night went.  Kenzie helped me switch the couches between the living and family room,, the living room one is so much more comfy, so Todd could lay down on his left side and not be secluded in the bedroom.

He slept all night on his left side, didn't move but once, that I felt and promptly asked if he was doing ok, then did the half asleep pat down to make sure he was still on his left side.  He is still sleeping and I am going to let him sleep as long as possible.  He only needed one dose of Tylenol, that is all he can take for pain killers as ibprophen and nsaids are blood thinners, or are known to cause bleeding and, well we just went through you know what to STOP that!! 

We have a followup appt today to see how his eye looks,, I'm excited to see it.  I think he's excited to get the patch off even if only for a few minutes.

Thank you to everyone for all your love, support, healing thoughts and prayers!  We couldn't go through this without such incredible support.

On a side note,, a shout out to Todd's sister and her hubby, JULIE and ROGER, and their boys, who welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their family last night!!! YAY I'M an AUNT AGAIN!!!  *almost as good as being a Gramma, but it's all I get right now so I'll take it!!*

She is gorgeous! all 8 lbs 8 oz of her!!!!  Sarah Kathryn!! These two make THE cutest babies!!!

The Power of Prayer

We've been asked many times if we have thought about moving back to Utah. Honestly it would make sense to, The Johnson family is all there, we would be closer to my family, our two oldest live there and they are a huge help!  Here's why we are quite content where we are.

OUR AWESOME HENDERSON FAMILY!!!!

Todd called me yesterday morning and told me he woke up having an insulin reaction and his blood sugars were are 45,, they are supposed to be in the low hundreds people!, *que panic attack*  I made one phone call and had someone come check on him and help him.  One,, I didn't have to go through our ward list,, and it wasn't even the Bishop I called! 

Earlier this week we had to go to St George for a pre op appt for the catheter surgery, and I had to work until 10:30, instead of having me drive 30 minutes back to henderson, and have to drive another 30  minutes minimum to get out of the city limits, Todd made one phone call and had a sweet sweet friend, who asks us every single week if there's anything he can do for us, drive Todd to my work so we could leave from there.

Last night the Bishop came over to give Todd a blessing, and honestly, this man and his family is soo much more than just a Bishop to us.  He walked in, gave me a hug and asked how I was doing,, I am allowed to be honest with him.  He doesn't judge me, so I whispered to him crappy. scared, trying my damnest not to freak out.  He just smiled and we visited for a bit, He and another friend gave Todd a blessing, and of course I was in tears.  Then this funny man that we love so very much, pointed to the chair Todd was in and looked at me and said,,, sit!  DUDE,,,, I SAT!  Todd & Bishop gave me a blessing, and this incredible feeling of peace came over me as I listened to what the Bishop said.   For the first time in days I was completely at peace and knew everything was going to be ok.

Today, Kenz came down and spent the day with Levi so I didn't have to worry about that, so we get to the hospital, they check us in, and take us back to where we wait,, they hook Todd up to an IV, and we watched the US vs Canada Men's hockey,, hahahahahahahaha,,,

I looked at Todd and asked,, "can we say a prayer really quick please,, I have that pit in my stomach again."  He asked if I would say it,,,,

I asked Heavenly Father to please help me feel peace, and more importantly to please please please guide our dr and his team that they would know what to do to keep Todd safe.

A simple plea from a spaz of a girl

About 30 minutes later, the anesthesiologist comes in and says,, "we can't put you to sleep,, your hemoglobin is super low, so we are going to do local,, ok?  Just co-operate and you'll do fine"

AND HE LEAVES!  I panic ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? GET THE CRAP BACK HERE I HAVE QUESTIONS!!

NOPE,, he left.  Todd sees panic sweep across my face and says what he can to soothe my frazzled nerves.  OIY OIY OIY!!

Dr Wickens, our surgeon, walks in, and says that Todd's hemoglobin is super low,, and seeing the confusion on my face says, is he anemic?  OH HELL YES he's anemic! lol I coulda told you that!  He chuckles and says,, that's what hemoglobin is,,, ok smartie pants, we didn't all go to medical school! (no I didn't say that, but I wanted to!)  SO I ask our Dr, saying please dont take offense, but how confident are you at doing this with just a local.  And he tells me 60-80 % of his doing these surgeries are done with local anesthetic.   I lean in to whisper into Todd's ear "remember our prayer... they're doing what we asked,, we have to remember that"  and this completely calming feeling came over me.

RIGHT UNTIL THEY TOLD ME I HAD TO LEAVE HIS SIDE!  AAAUUUUGGGHHHHH
I'm sure people in the waiting room thought someone had died, the way I was crying,.,

Long story short,, haha,

the surgery took about an hour.  The dr was able to get 90% of the blood that was pooling in his eye out, YAY!, and he scraped away the scar tissue and pushed the retna back in place and placed an air bubble inside his eye to hold the retna in place until it reattaches.  He said Todd was fantastic and did great!!  When I finally got back to see him, he just smiled,  and said "who are you?  what,,, my wife?? How did I get so lucky!?"  haha riiiiight!   So now we are home, and I have to watch him for the next 35-48 hours making sure he takes his drops, and keeps his head pointed DOWN to keep the air bubble in place, otherwise we have to do this all over again,, no thanks~!!!!!  I've never been on that side of the operating room before,, I don't like it! And Lucky me, I get to do it all again on March 3!! 

Bring on the blessings and prayers my family,,, bring them on!!!!

We have an incredible family, spread all across north america,, you love us and support us so very much. And mean so much to all of us,, We can never repay you!

We have an incredible family here in Henderson, that has stepped in and been there when our family's can't be.   There are no words to express how much we love each and every one of you. 

This is where we need to be.  This is where we belong.  This is our Heavenly Father's plan for us, at this time in our lives.  Honestly, there is no where else we would rather be. 

Thank you to every one, family, friends,,, acquaintances, who have kept us in their thoughts and prayers, who have dropped everything at a moments notice because I am freaking out and am at least 30 minutes away, who take our youngest into their homes and treat him like he is one of their family, who volunteer to take the place of DAD so our youngest can go to his first scout camp this year even though he isn't supposed to go without his dad because he's only 11, and well, Dad is just too sick to go.  Thank you for the dinners, the kleenex, the venting ears, the hushed mouths when I over react, not often but I do at times, the non judgemental ears that just listen, and the missionaries, OH MY HEAVENS here come the tears, who come and drop by just because they felt a prompting to, and we are in need of a blessing,, who text me and ask how surgery is going, who talk me down when I'm letting my mind go to places it shouldn't.  THANK YOU!!!!!  

You will never know how much you all mean to us.  How much we love each and every one of you!

Our prayers were answered long before we even spoke them, because of all of you! 

*insert heart here*

Blessings and moving forward...

We were promised back in December that if we paid our fast offerings we would be blessed beyond reason,, something close to that wording anyways.  I have always struggled with fast offerings, never struggled with paying my tithing,, that has always just be the Lord's money as far as I was concerned, fast offerings were a completely different story though.  So when we were promised this, the very first thought that popped into my head was,, "great, seriously,, can't pay our bills, but pay $15-20 a month and you'll be blessed,,,,, right!'  Not exactly sure why my faith seemed to waiver at that thought, but it did.  *sigh*

So we started paying our fast offerings, maybe to prove our Bishop wrong,,, but I did it.  Every month since December we have paid our fast offerings.  (it's been three months, yea I know, but stay with me here,, the climax of the story is coming I promise!)  We pay our tithing every week and on the first sunday of every month we include our fast offerings.  The first time I paid it I handed the envelope to our Bishop and said,, "you know this is going on complete faith here right?"  He chuckled and said "well how else are you gonna get your blessings?"  Ok point noted.

Well since we have started paying this, we have been abundantly blessed.  Todd has insurance, which took hold February first... with a $950 deductible,, which we have already paid, *he's awfully expensive to keep around, but I love him*,  He is scheduled for a vitrectomy  surgery on his eye TOMORROW! and it's 100% covered because we have already met the deductible!!!  WOO HOOOO  this is a $25,000.00+ surgery! and the dr is hopeful that Todd will regain most of his sight again! YAYAYAYAYAYYA.

He is also scheduled for surgery to place the catheter for dialysis for March 3!!,, and Soon we are meeting with the transplant team.

These are JUST a few of the blessings we have be given.  And it actually took a letter from Jake to point them out to me. I just get soo wrapped up in the day to day stuff, that although I know we are being blessed, sometimes I forget to notice.  Jake said in his last letter to us,, and yes it was all in caps!  EYE SURGERY, DIALYSIS AND A TRANSPLANT,, WOO HOOO WHAT BLESSINGS WE ARE GETTING, although I wish they had come a little sooner  lol"   This brought tears to my eyes for many reasons,,, 1, HE recognized the Lord's hand in all this, before I did
2. I needed my missionary boy to remind me of just how blessed we are. 

And yes we are definitely blessed.  Our prayers are being answered.  * I love my faith and the strength I get from it*

Although all these things are happening right now, I am so very scared,, ALL THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!   Every time they put my husband under anesthesia there is a threat that his heart will stop, that something could go wrong.  I try not to go there.  Really I do.  It scares me though.  I don't know what I would do if he didn't wake up.  I'm not done being happily married yet.  This is my biggest fear.   Rarely do I let Todd see how stressed and worried I am about him and his health. He really doesn't need the stress.  BUT, yesterday when we were on our way home from his pre op for the catheter operation, tears just started rolling down my cheeks.  He didn't notice, ha he hasn't had his eye surgery yet! ;)  As we got through mesquite, I took an exit and parked the car, he looked at me and noticed the tears,, and asked what was wrong telling me I had nothing to worry about, that he was going to be fine.  And all I could say was "don't die on me please!  "  "I need another 20+ years with you!!!!"  And he just pulled me into his arms and onto his lap,, which is a little awkward considering I'm no size 2 and I drive a VW Beetle!, but it's something he used to do all the time, before he got sick, and it's something he hasn't been able to do for quite a while.  We just sat there, off the exit holding each other, him telling me how much he loved me and that he wasn't going anywhere, and me just hanging on tight.  *I totally get the saying "love hurts"*

I know in my heart of hearts that everything will work out the way it should.  I know I need to keep my mind from going towards the negative thoughts.  Sometimes it's just so completely overwhelming the only thing that will help is a blessing and a good cry.  The blessing I'll get tonight!

Kenzie is coming down tonight to spend some time with Levi and help out over the weekend, which is AWESOME!! I miss her. I miss having her help me around the house.  I miss seeing her every day, and getting a hug.  So yea I'm excited she's coming down, I love having adult children!! Although I have no clue why they all feel the need to leave me!!  :)

Thank you for all your love, support and prayers! I will keep you posted on Friday's surgery and how it goes.  You can youtube it to watch part of what they are going to do to his eye.   Kinda intriguing actually!

Hug your kids more, yell less... say I love you ... and mean it.

Step One

I can't remember if I mentioned this already or not, but, thanks to Mackenzie and her awesome fundraising efforts, She gave her dad a check for close to $3000.00 for Christmas! YAY!!!!!  Thinking we would use that to help us pay down old medical bills, we deposited it into our medical funds account and waited for it to clear... While waiting, Todd and I were able to do some research on insurance plans and we found one that costs $400 a month with a $950 deductible,, after the deductible is paid, everything is free for the rest of that year,, SERIOUSLY???  So he calls and gets all the details, makes sure everything that he needs done is covered, and our doctors are covered,, and YES it's a go!!!!   We were able to pay for the first three months of healthcare and the deductible within the first two weeks of the insurance taking affect!!!!!   Thank you ! THANK YOU to all of you who donated and bought off the auction that Kenzie threw together last minute!!

Soo, with the question of how can we pay for these surgery's now answered, we are up and going for the first of three, hopefully just three, surgery's.

This Friday Todd is going in for Vitrectomy. Yea I had to google it! After I put in a text message to the bestie who just so happens to work in this field,

you can copy and paste this link to watch the video,, I don't remember how to make it a clickable link, sorry.... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF82FOGtLRs
 
The above link is where you can watch it on Youtube.. it is kinda graphic, not in a gross bloody sort of way, but more of a OMG he's actually sticking that pointy thing, THREE POINTY things INTO your eyeball and you're NOT flinching kind of way.

A vitrectomy is where they go into the eye, and suck out all the hemmorage that is behind the retna.  In the words of my vastly knowledgeable bestie,, it used to be a HUGE deal, like open heart surgery, and they have now done it so often it is done on  an out patient basis.  Still a huge deal, not nearly as scary,, for one that's otherwise healthy!

The dr is also going to cut away scar tissue that has formed in his eye, from his retna pulling away from the, what ever it's supposed to stay attached to,  (I'll have bestie correct my medical terms in the comments section when she gets up for the day!)  and push the retna back into place, then put a gas bubble behind the retna to hold it there until it reattaches properly.

So no laying flat for Todd for two weeks! I GET THE BED TO MY SELF!  *I hate sleeping alone*

On wednesday, we go to St George for a preop appointment with the surgeon that is going to insert the catheter, or tubing, for dialysis.  Hopefully that surgery will take place withing the next week or two.  Except todd can't lay flat, so we will have to wait two weeks I am guessing.

We are excited to finally be on this road.  It has been a long hard two years, and I know and am expecting it to get harder before it gets better, BUT, YAY!

I watch Todd more, watch how he reacts when the dr's are talking to him about what they are going to do, and it see it hitting him hard. He is scared, every time he is put under anesthesia there is a threat of him not waking up, there is a threat of something going terribly wrong in surgery, as with all surgeries, he could lose his eye being the least of our worry's,, as this eye doesn't work right now anyway.

He's scared. Which means it's time for me to be the rock. Let him lean on my strength, and not fall into the pit of depression and worry that will only speed up all the bad things and hinder that good that promote fast healing.

People ask me how he's doing all the time, what I really want to say is,, 'well, he struggles to keep food down, can't see squat, can't drive, can barely shower on his own and usually waits until I'm home before doing so, just in case he gets dizzy and falls, he doesn't want Levi to come home from school to that, he depends on me to get him any and everywhere, he "feels like a complete failure as a father and a husband because of his inability to provide for his family and 'putting so much strain and stress on my love', "his words not mine, and how are you feeling????"  that's how I want to respond,,BUT,, my response is something along  the lines of   "He's still breathing!"  There really is not much more I can say without falling apart.  Anyone who has watched their best half, and this man really is the better part of me!,  rapidly deteriorate before their eyes can relate to this feeling.  It's a good thing he's still breathing, I love him, I NEED this man in my life on this earth!! I'm not done being happy yet and having a companion to walk through this life with!!!

People ask me how I'm doing and what I really want to say it,,, SHITTY! *true story*, I HAVE to work, I have to look after my sick ailing husband, I have to still be a parent no matter how tired I am, My right hand is in Georgia serving a mission and my other right hand is in St George living her life, as she should be doing.....    Pity party much?  Maybe,, I try not to think like this,..instead I say,, "I'm breathing!"

 How I really feel is there is nothing on this earth I would rather do, than be by the side of the man I love more than anything else in this entire world, do I wish he was healthy... every day of my life,,, do I wish we were going through this right now,,, yes, but I'm quick to change that thinking, because honestly things could be a lot worse, do I wish Jake was still here to help me out,, NOPE! I am,, we are both absolutely thrilled with his decision and do NOT regret encouraging it at all!!  Do I wish Kenzie was here still,, well not living in my house but being in town would be nice! hahaha, it'd be nice to have someone I know who loves this man ALMOST as much as I do, close by to check in on him when I'm at work so I don't stress and worry.  On the other hand, we have soooooooo many friends here I can and Have called on to check on Todd and make sure he's "still breathing"  every time I do, Todd promptly calls me chuckling and telling me that he loves me.

So,, friends,,, I ask you all to please keep us, especially Todd, in your prayers these next few months, as we, HE, goes through this process of getting on the road to recovery.  Please pray that our loving Father in Heaven will be with the surgeons, and the surgical teams, guiding their hands and keeping watch over my sweet husband and Kenzie, Ashalee, Jacob, Andrew, Adam and Levi's awesome dad,  helping him heal, and recover quickly, to become whole again.  Remembering to ask,, Thy will be done. 

This is how you can help us, and bring a feeling of peace and love to our hearts and home.  Thank you so very much for all your love and support.  We could not do this without you.

overwhelmed

I really don't like when I get like this.  Melancholy.  Not sure why, but feeling the need to release emotions that have been pushed down and tucked away into the dark places I like to hide them. 

We got a call from Todd's retna dr's yesterday, they are ready to do a surgery on his right eye to remove the blood that has been pooling behind his retna.  Hopefully this will improve his vision, no guarantees though.

 I text my Bestie and start sucking the knowledge from her brain, this is her line of work, her area of expertise after all!  And she tells me it is like open heart surgery for the eye.  I think my blood pressure skyrocketed at that point.  She was quick to get it down though, saying they have perfected this surgery and it's now an outpatient procedure. *breathe Rhonda*

Ok we can do this,,, I go down the list of things we have to do to prepare for this,,

his preop appointment is today when I get off work,
I have to book the day off work,, at least the day, depending on how he's feeling maybe the weekend,, NOT GOOD,, it's a big sale day at work,, the boss is not gonna like this.. *sigh*  I hate missing work, it just adds to everyone else' stress and honestly, we are all stressed enough there as it is!

I'm trying to remember to not stress about things I can't control.  The surgery date is something I can't control.  It is what it is.   This is a surgery we have waited over a year to have, and it's only going to cost us about $100 thanks to Todd's insurance coverage! So that relieves some of my stress.

Moving forward: My goal, lose myself in service.  Help others, it seems to lessen my burdens.

Soooo.....

I got up this morning, made my lunch, and breakfast, sat down and read my scriptures, although I really need to do that when levi can see me doing it!, and started trolling on facebook.  I'm sitting here, scrolling through things, watching different videos, of love, talent, and eye opening events, looking at people's different posts and the different stages we are all at in our lives.  Feeling completely overcome with emotion.  I watch a video of a veteran listening to how some young people defaced a statue, and he takes his grandson to a movie that is about one of the wars, *don't judge, my memory sucks and I haven't had a history class in forever, but it was a "day that will live in infamy* and tears well up in my eyes.  From this day forward, every service man and woman I meet, who is in uniform or I can see they are a veteran, I will stop and say thank you.  They have earned that from me.  I regret not thanking a young man that was in our store yesterday. I said hi to him, smiled, he smiled back and returned the greeting, and I kept living in my own little world.  Shame on me.  Won't happen again!

I continue to scroll down and see that my girlfriends son has been released and is back home with his family.  Tears fall down my face.  I love this mom, she is a rock.  Always so strong, no matter what trial her family is facing, always gracious and loving.  If I were where they are right now, I would hug this mom, and her son that is back home.  He will never fully comprehend how much I love and adore him, I don't think I comprehend it to be honest.  There is just something about him that draws me to him., and to watch him go through the trials he is going through breaks my heart, both as a mother and a friend.  You know who you are! AND I pray you know how very much I love your entire family, and wish I could carry some of your burdens and fight certain battles for you!! <3

I have another friend who is at odds with her life.  Living in limbo if you will,, and I would love nothing more than to swoop in and fix everything for her.  Make her life better, she deserves it, she deserves to be treated with the respect and love that has been lacking in her marriage.  It angers me, it frustrates me, and it truly saddens me.   All I can do is be here for her. Listen, give advise when asked.  Let her know, and she does, that I am here.

As I see all these posts, and videos, I am forever grateful for my trials.  The Lord certainly knows what we can handle and how well we will handle it.  I believe this. I couldn't do what these two women, specifically, are doing right now.  I don't have the strength.  So thank you ladies, and to all my friends, who continue to inspire me to keep pushing, keep getting up in the morning, and keep going to bed at night, and doing it all again the next day.  Doing what needs to be done to get where WE want to be.  I feed off your examples and strength.

AND I Love today!!!!!  It's the best one yet!

Happy times

I love creating, making things, watching things come to life.  Nothing is more soothing to me than sitting at my craft table and just playing.  Sometimes my kitchen table turns into my crafting table if I am in the mood to get creative with baking.  I love to bake, I love to eat what I bake, thus I do NOT do it very often,, in the words of either my oldest son or daughter, can't remember which one said this, "my mum is just not a cookie baking kinda mum!" *oiy*

Jake's birthday was a few days ago, and just because he isn't here doesn't mean we can't celebrate right?  He LOVES, no where near a strong enough word here, BATMAN! The kid thinks he's batman!  So, I made a batman cake!  YEP IT was delish!!  We even had his twin from another mother over to help us celebrate!  Johnnie was born on the same day, same year, a few hours after Jake, and about 1500 miles away! 

Happy birthday you AWESOME boys!!! sure am glad you are both in our lives!!!!

Two nights ago, the Cubscouts had their blue and gold banquet, and they challenged each cubscout to bring a cake decorated with the theme of scouting!  *hehehe* Challenge accepted!!  I knew what I wanted to do right from the moment Levi told me he needed a cake.  What do scouts do,, CAMP! this is the only reason I own ANY camping equipment at all, and even that is minimal at best.  I think we own two 2man tents, and 4 sleeping bags, maybe a canteen or two as well,, THAT IS IT!,, I digress,,  Here is the cake we made...

we did 3/4 of the cake with brown frosting, and the last 1/4 we did with blue for the lake,, the sand is peanut butter cookie mix, the kind you just add water to, the pup-tent is sesame snaps, the firewood, and boat are kitkats, the life jacket the one scout in the boat has on is orange starburst, the fire pit is mentos, the fish are Swedish, haha, the scouts are cinnamon gummy bears sitting on rolo tree stumps, the flames in the fire are yellow and red starburst that we microwaved for about 20-30 seconds and Levi molded it into the shape he wanted.  the neckerchiefs are yellow starburst rolled thin and looped around their necks, and their hats are chocolate chips,,  we even roasted the mini marshmallows before putting them on the "roasting sticks"  .  We had so much fun making this!!  Levi won most creative I think,, and he came in 2nd place over all!!  The little monkey grabbed the cake before they started cutting them and brought it to our table saying he wanted to take it home!  GREAT!! we really need that in our house!!  So the kind friends we were sitting with helped out by picking off all the candies on it.  Haha Thanks Stacie and Sam we couldn't have done it with out ya!!!  ;-)

Now, what to create next......

Stage 5

We were in St George yesterday for Todd's monthly check ups with his dr's.  The first appointment was this a rehab therapist that taught me how to massage the lymph nodes in Todd to help them release the fluid that his body seems intent on holding ransom!  I'm excited about this because it's one more thing that can help keep his heart healthy and pumping!!  YAY!!!

We then met up with our two girls and had lunch with them before our next appointment.  We both love that these two will come meet us whenever we are in St George.  In fact we tend to get in some serious trouble if we even think of making a quick  trip up there without calling them and letting them know.

Every time we go up to see our Nephrologist he has an entire panel of blood work done. These tests tell him how well Todd's kidneys are working and how well he is maintaining and looking after his diabetes.  One of these tests is to see the GFR.

 http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/what-is-gfr-and-why-is-it-so-important-in-kidney-disease-3394266.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ab_paid_12&gclid=COfUj4yBtbwCFeg-MgodVF0A9A  

you can just click on the above link, this article explains better than I ever could, what the GFR is.

You want your GFR to be about 120-125 milliliters per minute of fluid intake and output *as I understand it, this is the amount of fluid your kidneys are "cleaning" per minute.I could be wrong,, it's happened before, although I don't believe it was ever documented, so there is no proof! ;-)*

Last month Todd's GFR was at 21,, it needs to be under 20 to be considered for a transplant, so that is what we were hoping for this visit.

Be careful what you wish for!!!   13.. yep his GFR is 13.  Which put him in stage 5 kidney failure.  I don't think there is a stage 6 people!!  NO BUENO!

Dr Leon, who we absolutely love and completely trust,  explained it to me like this,,, "we wanted to do it a little slower.  Think of it as landing a plane,  you want a nice smooth, bump free landing,, instead your kidneys went 'look!! AN AIRSTRIP!' and did a complete nose dive right to the tarmac."

He sent a referal into the Kidney Transplant Team immediately, and we are expecting to hear from them in the next week. 

He talked to us last visit about the different options we have for dialysis.  There are two main types, there's  hemodialysis where you go to a dialysis center and sit for 4 hours, 2-3 days a week and get hooked up to a machine that removes all the blood from your body, cleans and purifies it, and puts it back in,, sounds pleasant doesn't it?  This can be really hard on your heart.  Here is the internets definition:

blood passes from the patient's body through a filter in the dialysis machine, called a "dialysis membrane." For this procedure, the patient has a specialized plastic tube placed between an artery and a vein in the arm or leg (called a "gortex graft"). Sometimes, a direct connection is made between an artery and a vein in the arm. This procedure is called a "Cimino fistula." Needles are then placed in the graft or fistula, and blood passes to the dialysis machine, through the filter, and back to the patient. In the dialysis machine, a solution on the other side of the filter receives the waste products from the patient.

Then there is Peritoneal dialysis.. which uses the patients own body tissues inside of the belly (abdominal cavity) to act as the filter. The intestines lie in the abdominal cavity, the space between the abdominal wall and the spine. A plastic tube called a "dialysis catheter" is placed through the abdominal wall into the abdominal cavity. A special fluid is then flushed into the abdominal cavity and washes around the intestines. The intestinal walls act as a filter between this fluid and the blood stream. By using different types of solutions, waste products and excess water can be removed from the body through this process.

This second type is done at home, after the catheter is put in and healed, you go in and they teach you how to hook up to a machine and you do this before going to bed at night.  You get to sleep through dialysis.  You do this every night.  This is the option we are doing.

Todd will get a dialysis catheter put in, we are hoping, within the next two weeks, and then after there is a good seal of scar tissue around it, about 4 weeks after the surgery, we go in and get set up with a machine, tubing, and all the equipment we need to do this at home.  Scary,,, kind of.  HOWEVER, being as our dr's are in St George, and we can't switch dr's in the middle of trying to get disability, this is an excellent option for us.  Even Dr Leon said Todd is a prime candidate for this type of dialysis.

So now we are waiting for phone calls from the Transplant team and the surgeon who will place the dialysis catheter in Todd's abdomen.

When we meet with the transplant team they will give us a list of criteria for potential matches for a kidney.  I know I plan on going and getting tested asap. (Please know, we are not asking any one to go out and be tested. I have had several people call me, or come up to me and ask what the criteria is for a match, and I just want to put it out there that I will let them know as soon as I do.)

Our boys, bless their hearts, all said they want to go get tested too. To which I looked at Jake and said, If that is what you really want  to do and the dr's say ok you are healthy enough to live with one kidney, then ok.  Todd and I both turned to Andrew and Adam and gave a stern "NO FREAKING WAY are you two getting tested!'  *these are Todd's two boys from his first marriage*, when they asked why, looking hurt and livid that I would say that, I explained that they are at such a HIGH risk of diabetes,, their father, maternal grandfather, and paternal grandparents, and uncles all have it,, they are going to need both their kidneys!!!

It seriously amazes me how Heavenly Father just gets everything to fall into place at EXACTLY the right time!!  I thought these auctions and fundraisers were not going to do much to help, make no mistake, I am beyond grateful for all the hard work, donations, time and effort that went into all the fundraising efforts!!  Words can NOT express how grateful we both are.

They ended at just the right time.  Todd was able to find health care that is $400 a month, with a $950 deductible, once that deductible is paid, everything else, including prescriptions, and transplant surgery, is covered for the rest of the year.  This health care went into affect on February 1 of this year.  So 5 days into it, and we have already paid close to $500 of the deductible.  After I pick up his insulin prescriptions today, we will be at about $7-800 paid.  Do you have any idea what a relief this is, to have that money there, knowing that is what it is for.. I don't have to worry about NV energy coming after us or threatening to shut off our power because I needed to get todd's insulin, or get his to a dr's visit?  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!   

So now we wait!

 We get up in the morning,, say our prayers, thank our Father in Heaven for another fantastically wonderful day!, we ask that our missionary is protected and doing well, We do what needs to be done through out the day, we seek out opportunities to help those less fortunate than we are, *we are so freaking blessed!*, and we give thanks at the end of our day. And do it all again tomorrow.

We have seen over and over again that our Father in Heaven is taking care of us, He's got this!!  *although He seems to leave the cleaning of the house to me!  :-( *

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support!! We will keep you posted!



  

Life is what you make it!

I get that life is hard. In fact it down right sucks at times. I also completely understand the need to vent and have a place where one can release the yuck, so to speak. It gets very disheartening when I see the same people post over and over again how much their life sucks. All I can think is, life, seriously, is what you make it. The first two years of my marriage my husband and I were separated by the country's boarder and immigration issues, then we had teenagers, then dealing with ex's and all that BS and mind games that go along with that, now kidney failure and only child syndrome. I make a conscious decision every single morning to: get up, brush my teeth, put on my smile, and plow head first into the day. I don't go timidly, I stand up and ready to face whatever comes our way. I try to keep a positive outlook, although sometimes all I want to so is hide from the world. I've learned a lot the last couple years,, one being attitude determines your altitude, another being: serving others makes my problems easier to handle. We choose our own paths. The decisions we make guide us to what path we are on. We are not the only one who influence that path however we are the only ones who control where that path leads. Things like "fml", I hate,,, etc etc take us down a path that is lonely dark and overwhelming. Dwell on the positive,, change the negative. Take control of YOUR path. YOU DECIDE to be happy. You decide whether to have a fantastic day, an ok day or a horrid day. The point here,,,,,, YOU/I am the common denominator in these choices. What's your choice going to be today?