Our oldest, Kenzie and I are headed up to Canada for a few days of much needed R&R.
Usually, no not usually, In The Past, when there is something big like this happening, I am ubber excited and call my parental units daily to count down how many more sleeps.. This time,, it is forced. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go have my Mum look after me for a week,.. I am excited to be able to hug my Dad, see friends I haven't seen in months... I am not excited to have people ask me what happened. To travel so far without my eternal sidekick, to be there without my baby boy who made me laugh so freaking hard and drove my parents nuts with how much I spoiled him. *admitting it is half the problem and I'd do it all again if I could*
Last time I was up there was just after the funerals, and everywhere I went there were reminders that slapped me in the face that I was alone. I can handle the expected reminders,, the walking into my house, the getting into my car, the waking up, the going to sleep... I expect and can prep myself emotionally for those... the last couple days however, all I seem to focus on is the egg nog I had to put back on the shelf in January because the thought of drinking it alone, without my pickiest eater drinking it with me and feeling like he was heaven, was too much. I did not expect that.
I am content to sit at home, where nothing unexpected can slap me in the face, where I am safe from outside triggers. I get that you can't understand it unless you have gone through it,, I get it. As hard as I try to move forward, I truly feel safest in doors.
I have family that is ready to make new memories to honor their dad & brother, son & grandson, Brother & nephew,,Uncle & cousin,, I am scared to death of taking that first step. I tried, I immersed myself in fun singles activities for the last 4-5 months, bowling, movie nights,, dinners,,, and something suddenly hit me,, and it hit hard. The grief I was working so hard at avoiding slapped me down, and it hit hard!
I miss them,, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY,, EVERY SINGLE HOUR,, EVERY, SINGLE, SECOND. I troll facebook and see all our friends getting their boys ready for their first scout camp and it brings tears to my eyes,,, Levi was so excited to go to camp. He loved Scouts and made it his goal to get his Eagle Award before he turned 16... well done son... you did it! Summer Spence,,, I miss our BOY!!!!
Maybe, just maybe I can get through this trip with my sweet girl by my side. Maybe my anxiety of driving through mountains and past huge drops with subside, or the anxiety of saying the wrong thing with the wrong intonation will go away, that is what I am praying for... that we won't kill each other as we are together in the car for 12 hours... that we will love and support each other as we have over the last 6 months,, *I know it's been 7,, the 1st one doesn't count*, I truly can not wait to laugh with her, to joke, to reminisce, to make new memories. It scares the crap out of me, but I can't wait to do it... I hope she will hold my hand as we go out and I face these triggers, whatever they may be... and let me know it will be ok. There is one else I would rather take this trip with then her, she was the very first person to steal my heart, and she still holds it in her hand! So be gentle my dear,,, it's kinda tattered. <3. 
I feel like I am rambling at this point, so if you're still with me, you truly do love me!! Thanks!
Right now,, Christmas is on my mind,, 24 more fridays until Christmas, and I could care less... I worry, I worry about saying something or not saying the right thing and upsetting one of my kids, I am already having anxiety attacks over putting up the tree, buying presents, hell let's be honest, I am worried about waking up Christmas morning... In the Past, I would be all over it, shopping, getting excited, bugging Todd to let me put the tree up in October,, it became a tradition of our to banter about whether or not the tree was going up that early.. I should've just left it up last year dang it,,, Levi decorated it.. should've let it be.
I am trying.... and that is the best I can offer all of you right now. I want nothing more than to be able to wake up and be happy, to be able to fall asleep knowing that every one in my family is sleeping and dreaming happy dreams, to be able to walk out the door and know that everything will be the same as when I left.... because if I hadn't left the house that day,, every thing SHOULD have been the same,,, but I did, and I came back to something completely different, something I didn't ask for, but I agreed to. So please bear with me,, have patience and try to understand that if I say no to coming to visit you it does NOT mean I don't want you to come visit me. It just means that I need my parental bubble, and you are more than welcome to come see us.
Please, I know you are sorry, please just don't tell me you are sorry,,, don't ask me how I am holding up,, tell me you love me and give me a hug and lets talk about your family, or memories of when we lived there... it's not that I don't want to talk about it, I do,, I love talking about the love of my life and the baby I never thought I would be blessed to have... or how much our kids have grown and how gorgeous our daughters are,, ask about my missionary,,, he's awesome too!!! And for the love of Peter, DO NOT ask how I am doing this, because I do not know!! (sorry if this sounds harsh, I never did have a filter! lol)
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