My sweet baby girl and I went on a 12 hour drive to visit my parental units in Alberta, Canada, for one week.
Those that know her and I, know that we are ALOT alike,, like scary alot!, We are both outspoken, yes I taught her that, stubborn, she gets that from her dad,, I am far from stubborn, and we can both be VERY VERY LOUD! And I wouldn't change a thing... except for the fact that we butt heads,,, alot. ALL THE TIME. She was my rock when I went through my divorce 21 years ago,, that's a lot of pressure to put on a 1 year old. She made me smile, I loved seeing the world through her eyes, and the things she taught me, I can never repay her for. Then she hit the teen years, and tried to spread her wings, but I clipped those puppy's rather quickly. Looking back now, there are things I did, that I would do differently, *don't we all feel that way?*, however, she always got straight A's, her own personal challenge, not mine, and she graduated early from high school with advanced honors. She moved out when she was 17 and graduated from high school, and that is when we really started butting heads, *as I remember it, she may remember it differently, kids usually do!* We argued over things that didn't matter, but we both are stubborn, and what young adult doesn't think their parents know nothing. Todd was our buffer. We would yell and scream at each other, and she would go to her dad, vent, and he would come to me, and help me see where I was wrong,, I wasn't always, but when I was HE was the one who showed me,, and when I wasn't, he was the one that would make me see what mattered more, who was right, or who was loved.... if that makes sense. (I remember one time her and I were yelling at each other, I can't remember what about,, but she called her dad and said "DAD, you need to get home and control your wife, she's nuts!,, he chuckled when he told me, then promptly told me to calm down,, haha) Make no mistake, I love this lady more than words can say,, I just raised her to be a strong independent woman, although I should've been more specific as to who to be strong around,, ;-)
So you can see the apprehension we both had at the thought of being alone together, in a car, for 12 hours, then with my parental units for 7 days, then back in the car, assuming we hadn't killed each other first, for another 12 hours. We had a prayer before we got into the car and began our journey, and we were off!!!!...
Can I tell you I have not laughed so hard in such a long time? Just when I didn't think I could love this girl any more than I already do. We laughed the entire 101/2 hours up to my parents house. Yea, we made excellent time!!!! It didn't feel like we had been in the car that long at all. We joked with each other, we talked, we laughed, I think we even cried once together. We let our love for each other come out uninhibited, we let it flow freely for each other., we didn't judge, we didn't criticize, we simply loved each other. We both got to do what we wanted up there without the other one getting upset, as has happened in the past. We visited with my parents, our friends, visited with memories from us being there as a family. I think, I HOPE, for the first time in a very long time, I let my little girl be just that, a little girl *only she's not any more*, I let her lean on me, I hope I showed her how much she is loved. There are no words to describe how I feel towards her...
We got home on Sunday night, and she continued onto her home. I cried. I cried as she drove away, my heart wanted to jump out of my body and grab her and hug her one more time and not let her go. I cried as I walked into the house, which I totally expected, but I realized I was crying for reasons I wasn't expecting... I expected to be sad and lonely and cry for those reasons, and as I crawled into bed that night, after saying my prayers, I realized I had shed tears because of how free I felt, how at peace I felt, how incredibly loved I felt by my own child that I was scared I had pushed away through my own grief.
I'm not sure why it happened,but I feel like the fog has lifted. Someone pointed this out to me today at work, there's a sparkle in my eyes, I feel better, I look better, rested, like I can take on the world,, *Please dear Lord, do NOT see that as a challenge for this meek and humbled servant!*, And there is guilt over not being in bed, and being the blubbering mourning widow everyone thinks I need to be...
I am allowed to be happy, I am allowed to move on, I am allowed to mourn, I am allowed to love one man while falling in love with another, *For the love of ME DO NOT read too much into that there is no man I am falling in love with at the time of this blog post!!!!* I am allowed to be a widow, I am allowed to laugh, to cry, to not have my every waking thought be of what is waiting for me on the other side of the veil. I am allowed to go an entire day without tears, *rarely happens but still,, I am allowed*, I am allowed to live and be loved.
What I battle with now, is the guilt, the guilt of not being sad daily, of not crying, of loving the hope that I feel in my heart,,,
There are still going to be hard days ahead, days where I dont want to face the world, or my reality!, But I will.... I will because I know. I KNOW what matters.
Love.....
Cousins! Family is what matters! these two beauties drove 12 hours, to spend a few hours with their older beautiful cousin! 
me and my sweet cousin Susan, I love her!
playin with mum's phone yo!
On our way!
My girlfriend from 40+ years ago! Lisa Ursenbach! Can't wait to see you in September!
this lady and I have been through so freaking much together and I thank God every day she is still in my life!!! Kristi Parker
I didn't take nearly enough pictures,,, Ranae Hatch, you are on my radar for next time, and Mum and Dad, I will get you this week!!! *for some reason, I struggle with taking pictures now, not sure why,,,, I guess I hope if I don't capture the memory I will be able to make new ones with the same people???"
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