*I have thought long and hard, about blogging about this, and have started and erased it so many times I have lost count*
I have really had a hard time these last few months, with letting go of things I can't control. Mainly, letting go of the fact that the DA is not charging the driver with vehicular homicide, and has turned the case over to the city for a DUI charge. When I was told this, I was so very angry. I actually felt bad for the officer that came into my home to tell me what the DA's findings where.
I called the DA and had a lengthy discussion with her as to why charges were not being filed for the death of my husband and son. Turns out UTAH law states that the driver has to be the main reason the accident happened, and because it was dark, stormy, and no shoulder on the road, *read Todd and Levi were on the edge of the driver's lane, never mind that pedestrians always have the right of way*, the driver's negligence is not the main reason why the accident happened. *I am paraphrasing here, but you get the point,, and don't bother telling me how ridiculous this is,, I am very aware!* So he is being charged with a DUI.
In 2007 there was an accident where a teenage driver, 17 I believe he was, who was drunk, hit a car with 5 people in it, killing 4 of them,, the wife of the hit vehicle was expecting, both her and the unborn baby were killed along with two of her children. The man, the father, the husband who's entire world changed in a split second, made the decision to forgive the driver, before the paramedics even got to him. There is a movie coming out called "Just Let Go" and it is this man's story, of forgiving and letting go of the past. THIS IS A MOVIE I WILL BE GOING TO! I am hoping this will help me let go of the anger that has dwelt in my heart way too long... I really go back and forth between anger and pity for the driver in my story,,, As I watch the trailers for it, I am brought back to the night my life completely changed. I remember asking the Lieutenant who was with me, about the driver, how he was doing. I remember telling my Bishop that he had to let the driver know I don't blame him, that this was a complete act of God. I remember feeling complete peace with this decision.
A few months ago,, the anger hit... I wanted him persecuted. I wanted him "hung". I wanted him to feel the pain I feel every single day...
So what changed? I found out he had be drinking. I found out what his BAL was. And I was suddenly sick to my stomach. Should any of that mattered? It didn't for the man I mentioned above.. And as I watch the trailers, I am reminded of various quotes,
- Who among us is without sin?, Let him cast the first stone
- Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours
here's the clip
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/16/forgiveness_n_1886057.html
I can't control the driver. I can't control what he did that night, any more than I can control what he is going to do tomorrow, what the judge is going to do, or what you are going to do.
I have to let the Lord have this. I need to focus on healing my family. On going forward. I need to focus my energy on what I can control, which is actually not a lot,, and I have a lot of energy.
So as I strive to get that peaceful feeling back, that I had the night our world completely changed, I need to remember to Just Let Go, let go of the hatred, the blackness that seems to be working hard on keeping residence in my heart. I will go to the court house, when the driver has to appear. I will say nothing, I will pray for peace as the Judge does what he feels is fair. And I will move forward, with my family.
I am falling to my knees more, cracking open my scriptures and searching for verses on forgiveness and letting go, reading conference talks in the Ensign, and above all, I am very much aware of two angels, who are with me, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., they help me get out of bed, they help me keep going forward, and I simply can not let them down. So as much anger you feel on my behave, on my kids behave, on my family's behave, please... don't. Pray for peace and faith in our hearts. Because in the end, all I want is to be able to have those two angels, my family, and my Savior pleased with how I got through this trial. And maybe, just maybe forgiveness can help me heal... help my family heal.
*I really wish all my thoughts would gather at once and in order, I feel like I am completely rambling and I can't seem to form a coherent thought to save my life,... bad pun!*
Love
is all that matters in the end. To give it and to feel it in your own life. That is what I can control.
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