Who am I...

This is the question that has been running through my mind the last few weeks.

Today was supposed to be the pre trial hearing for Mr Sumbot, the man who decided to get into his car, and speed while intoxicated on a stormy winter's night, and caused the death of my sweetheart and my baby boy.  I remember his words to me, when we met,, "I thought I hit a dear,  I am so sorry"
When he said those words, I forgave him so easily, I was at peace with everything,,

I didn't know he had been drinking.

I found out about 4 months ago he had been drinking, had an open bottle, almost emptied, in the car, and another bottle waiting to be opened.
When I was told he had been drinking, I was filled with rage, hatred, anger, and every other descriptive word in the english language that can describe what I was feeling that day, and for weeks after. months even.   AND I HATED IT!  I hated those feelings.  I am not a hateful person.  Usually.  I have always been one to deal with what has upset me and move on, let it go.  Once I get what has me upset off my chest I am good to go.  NOT THIS TIME.  It consumed me.  It ate at me while I slept, it brought waterfalls of tears to my eyes while I was awake.  I talked to my Bishop, to my grief counselor, to friends about it, and they all said the same thing,,, "let the atonement work for you.  That is why it is there!"

CRAZY!   What on earth did I do that was wrong? Seriously, aren't we taught the Atonement is all about Christ dying on the cross for our sins?  I didn't do the sinning here, these people, my confidants were all nuts.

I am not sure what happened.. or why,,, but after our trip to Canada, Kenzie and I, I walked into the house and suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  It was like Todd and Levi greeted me at the door and just took all that pain, hatred and anger I had been carrying for months right off my shoulders. I was able to let go.

 I was talking to my mother in law after we were done at the court house.  I was telling her how I hoped they didn't think I was blowing this whole redo on the pre trial off.  That it matters to me, so much, more than anyone else.

The thought came to me.... *get ready it's a good one!*.....

Who am I to not let it go? Who am I to not forgive?  If my loving Savior, my older brother, is able to pray in Gethsemane and fast for 40 days and 40 nights, if my Redeemer is able to walk through the streets and have those whom he has served spit on him, place a crown of plaited thorns on His head, and He doesn't utter one single word of anger, if MY deliverer carries a wooden cross up a hill, lays down on it, and lets people He loves so very much, drive stakes into His hands, feet, and wrists, and plunge a sword into His side, and as He takes His final breathe He says, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"  WHO AM I TO HANG ON TO SUCH HATRED?

My loving older brother, did all of that,,,for you, and you and you and....  FOR ME.  He felt the pain of not only every sin we would commit, He felt our pain, our agony, our heartache, He cried our tears.  He longed to take that pain from us.  He did that for you and He did that for ME!  He felt every ounce of breathe leave my body when I realized that it was my husband, my son on the road that night.  He felt my heart break in two.  He felt my will to die, He felt everything.  That is the Atonement.  That is why He suffered on the cross.  Not just for the mistakes I would make, and there have been plenty, but for all the sorrows you and I would feel as we navigated through this pathway back to Him and our Father.  He cried every tear, every single one of us has ever or will ever shed.

So who am I to hang on to such pain?  How can I continue forward down this path of life if I don't let go of what He has already paid for?

I don't hate the driver.  I don't.  I want justice.  But I am not going to go after him for everything he has,, no matter what happens, it won't bring back my husband, my children's father, my son, my children's brother.  My faith lies with my Father in Heaven, with my Savior Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement.

There is more than one justice system at play here... there is the earthly justice, and the Eternal justice, and that justice is where my faith is.

I keep going back to that night.  At the firehouse, the warmth and love I felt, the waves of peace.. my Saviors arms were wrapped around me that night, in the form of one acting in His place.  I saw the look of pain on His face, I saw how desperately my Redeemer wanted nothing more than to "remove this cup from me", but I had agreed to it, just like He had agreed to His Cup so very long ago.  He couldn't take it from me, but if I let Him, He could walk beside me and help me through it.

I know my Savior lives,, I know HE LOVES ME.  I KNOW I WILL SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN!  I KNOW IT!

Who am I?  I am a Child who is loved beyond words.  I am a child who's Father heartbreakingly gave me His only begotten so that I might return to live with Him again, one day.  And I know that God has got this! (No I am not holding onto the hope that the Lord will thrust the driver down to hell,, that is not a loving Lord.)  I know that He will make everything right.  So, yes, I am letting go.  I am moving forward,, not on, as I am leaving nothing behind.

*feel like I am rambling here... again!*

Love one another... and please,,, let it go. He's got this,, I PROMISE!