It isn't every day that I would lie.. some days I am fine. But I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. And I don't like it.
(venting post,there will be ramblings, and probably repeats of what has already been said, you've been warned)
I relive different parts of our past on a daily basis. I will walk into the kitchen and "see" Todd standing there, with the fridge door open, waiting to give me that last kiss good bye.. I "see" Levi downstairs, when I am brave enough to go down there, playing with his legos, waiting to show me his newest creation that he painstakingly built. I look over at the end table Todd's grandpa made and I see his dialysis machine's ghost sitting there, what I would give to hear that annoying piece of machinery beep one more time. Blood strips in my medicine cabinet, Todd's soap in my shower, Levi's toothbrush, hair brush, cards, memories,, memories,, EVERY WHERE!!!!!!
I relive that night every single time I drive past THAT spot, or see the firehouse, which is right next to it. I avoid the cemetery because when I go, I can't leave. I want to take a pillow with me and just stay there. I feel guilty when I leave.
There are a few distractions,, but even those are tainted with their memories. Our oldest is getting married next year... she and I talk on almost a daily basis, about everything. Lately wedding stuff. AND I LOVE IT! I have waited to help her do this her whole life. Then we talk about the ceremony,, and there comes the void.. her dad,, HE was supposed to be here for this,, he had already given Jeff our blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. HE is supposed to be here to watch the sheer joy on her face, to walk her down the isle. To hand her off and to welcome her husband into our family. Levi is supposed to be here, to stand beside Jeff, to hand him the rings,, whatever,, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
I went to the movie last night with my friend and her daughter. We saw "Once I was A Beehive". Somewhat cheesy mormon movie about girls camp and family. Yep I cried! I loved it. There is a quote from that movie that I absolutely love,, After the girl's dad dies, and her mom remarries a mormon, and she spends a week with a bunch of girls she has never met,, she realizes,, "Right at that exact moment, right at that exact time, I am exactly where I need to be, with who I exactly need to be with" This is my life. Right now, I am exactly where I need to be, surrounded by exactly who I need. I get it. It's funny that 11 months ago I had said to Todd that I hated living here. I knew we had to because of his health, but I had no friends, I hated my job, more so the hours, and the drive. I didn't want to live in an HOA, seriously always said I never would.. talking to my Mum on Sunday I think, and I told her I would never live anywhere else. I have never felt more loved by people who weren't related to me than I do today. I love that I can walk into my neighbors house and join in celebrating BYU's epic win, that I can walk in and just get a hug, or sit down to eat dinner with them because I am lonely. I love that I can call someone and say Hey,, I am having a crappy day and her and her husband come down and just sit with me,, let me talk,, even though everyone has heard it all before, many times over. No judgement, no harassing that I need to get over it, nothing but Christ like love. I love every single one of my friends,, they are like family. And if I can't be with Todd and Levi right now,, I am glad these people let me be with them.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I still have to force myself to get out of bed every single day. I still avoid things I know are triggers. And I find new ones daily. I ache. I miss the people I thought would still be in my life, who have chosen to take themselves out of it.
My heart physically hurts every. single. day. My throat feels like there is a giant spike going right through the middle of my neck and out the back of my head, every. single. day. Somehow,, some way my cement encased feet manage to keep moving me through this.. moving me forward. I keep getting up in the morning, and going to bed at night, and sometimes I don't even have to remember to breath,, it just happens.
I am sure you are all tired of hearing me ramble and cry. *not looking for any 'it's ok rhonda' comments, I'm tired of hearing it.*
This is my reality,, this is my life,, and I have to learn how to keep moving forward, and it is all of you that help loosen that cement on my feet even just a little.. it's all of you who help me and give me strength. So thank you, for being exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.
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