The thought has entered my head on more than one occasion these last *almost* 9 months, as recently as the last two weeks. DO NOT CALL ANYONE! I am not going to do anything. I see a counselor and we talk openly about it. She knows, and is aware of all my thought. *I have no filter*.
I get it. I understand now the thought process. The feeling of emptiness that is so completely overwhelming that you lose all sense of reason. The dark pit. The abyss. The loneliness, feeling like a burden, the longing to be needed again, to feel treasured, desired, wanted, helpful, loved. I could go on, but I am sure you get the point.
It would be so easy too, just go to my car, leave the garage door shut, and turn it on,, fall asleep.,, don't wake up. That was my first thought when I(haha) woke up on December 14, 2014. I could just slip away.. join them. Then I saw my daughters face, and the face of her boyfriend.. what would that do to her? She just lost her dad and her brother.. I couldn't do that to her.. BUT OH THE PAIN IS SO MUCH! How can I keep going? And my son,, the one on his way home for the funerals,, what would that do to him? I would miss so much of their lives,, weddings, babies, joys, sorrows,, THE SORROWS,, How on earth can I keep going? I put a call into my dr, who happens to be family, and expressed my concern and worry about running out of my anti-depressants and the thoughts going through my head,, I believe my words were something like this.,, "I'm scared, All I keep thinking about is going into my garage and turning on the car, but I don't want to do that. I can't run out of my medication right now,,,"
So, to help me get over this and put these thoughts out of my head I went to Canada with my parents for 3 weeks... I was never alone for very long.. My parental units checked on me, when I slipped away to my bedroom downstairs, on a fairly regular basis.. they are really good about giving me my space while letting me know they were right there.
The thoughts went away for a while. Even after I got back home, people stopped by, fairly regularly, making sure I ate, I,, haha slept, I got out... after a few months, people started getting on with their lives, moving on, doing their routine. AND THAT IS OK!, oh my hell that is MORE than ok!! But my life didn't go anywhere, while everyone was doing their routine, I was struggling to get out of bed, and I let that darkness back in.
I am not sure what has happened these last two weeks, but that darkness all but consumed me. I didn't answer calls, unless I felt I had to, I lied and said I was fine. I wanted to be alone.... I wanted to self destruct. I know I am loved, I don't think I understand how fully I am loved, because even though my friends and family all continue on with their routines, they still find ways to tell me and to show me I am loved... Not one of them has said,, "still mourning?" no one has commented on how I have to get over it,. they ,,,, YOU say you get it,, that I am ok, that you are there for me.
My daughter and I talk at least once a day, usually more, and lately it has been about wedding stuff,,, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! My son tells me he loves me every single time he emails me.
YOU all have posted one thing or another in the last 9 months, whether it be on facebook, or that has kept me going, that has lifted that foreboding darkness, even just a little... you have all reminded me that I am here for a purpose, *no idea what that is yet though* You have all made me feel so loved, that I don't dare do anything to myself. This particular picture has shown up on my timeline so much the last little while it was actually getting annoying... until last night,,, I looked at it again for probably 15 minutes, reading it over and over. Look at the love this man has for you,, for me,, for us... He does, and he doesn't even know who we are.. but he loves us! I cried last night, sobbed actually. I am not alone, you are not alone... no matter what we are facing right now, we are not alone.
This month is suicide awareness month. I don't write this post to have everyone in a panic that I am going to commit suicide. I AM NOT! I have too much to do here, and too many grandbabies that need ME to spoil them rotten,, soon, I hope! lol
I write this to thank you all for all your love and support. And to hopefully help someone, someone who is scared... someone who has been through something so horrendous that they feel their only option is to end the pain, someone who can somehow smile, and fake it, and they don't want to fake it anymore.
I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS, WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, OR WHERE YOU ARE. WHEN YOU NEED A FRIEND CALL ME, I WILL ALWAYS ANSWER MY PHONE FOR YOU, I WILL GET IN MY CAR AND COME GET YOU. You want to get out of your house,, call me! You need a hug... CALL ME!!! I actually crave affection and will hug you so hard and not let go until you can feel how much I love you!, you want ice cream,,, DUDE CALL ME!!!!!!!! You want to just sit and cry,, and have me not talk,,, yep,,, CALL ME! I have pretty big shoulders,, you can soak them all night long!
WE ARE LOVED! Each and every one of us! Our families love us, our friends love us... our SAVIOUR loves us, He has felt our pain, He has shed our tears, He has given us literally everything.
So DON'T you dare give up! Do NOT give in. Let that love envelope us, and keep us buoyed up through the trials and blessings we get to experience down here, on earth.
WE CAN AND WE WILL SUCCEED at our missions here in life. There is help, and there is love...
More than we can possibly comprehend.
No comments:
Post a Comment