Just Let Go! Take 2

It's a process, letting go.  Just when you think you have left it behind, something comes along and smacks you right back down! You pick yourself up, stop the room from spinning, just in time to BAM! be hit down again.  AND IT SUCKS!

There seems to be no end in sight.  It's a continuous, vicious cycle.  So it seems.  Until you realize sometimes, most things, are beyond your control, and the best thing you can do, is step aside, so the next BAM! misses you, or at least doesn't knock you completely off your feet.

I learned this a few years ago, when my best friend decided I had done something to completely offend her, and she cut me out of her life, no chance to explain, just cut right out.  I was drowning in grief.  This was someone who was my confidant, who I vented to and she vented to me about kids, husbands, and how much life completely sucked sometimes.  I was frantic to fix what I didn't realize was broken.  It took Todd, over a period of about 6-8 months, *I'm nothing if not stubborn!*, lovingly reminding me this was not mine to fix. I had done nothing wrong.  And what was perceived as my wrong doing had been apologized for over and over.  I had done everything I could, I had to just let it go.  It hurt so bad.  I was mourning the loss of someone who I loved as much, if not more, than family, someone who had become so dear to me I would do anything for her.  And I couldn't stop it.  She wanted out, it was her choice, it was hers to control.  All I could control was what I learned from this experience and how I reacted to it.

Fast forward 3-4 years. I still miss her, or rather what we had.  I have become stronger for it. I learned I can stand through the worst storms, I can be an incredible friend, and I hope that I am one, and I can smile through most anything.

I never really thought about that process of letting go of that grief, that anger of being wrongly accused, until last night, when I saw the most incredible movie

JUST LET GO!!

I had to give it back to her. I couldn't control what she had decided to do, no more than I could control the man who decided to drive that night in December.  It was time to move forward.

Watching this movie, there were scenes where I could physically feel Chris William's pain, his heartache, his anger, his trying to make things right for his kids.  His struggle between doing the right thing and seeking justice.  I felt it right along with him. 

I learned it is ok to forgive, and be at peace one minute, and feel complete anger the next.  It's a roller coaster ride.  One we never asked to be on, one we would love nothing more than to get off of, and just when we think it is coming to a stop, there's a downward hill and we are picking up speed.  

All we can do, all I can do, is hang on to that night... the feeling of peace, of knowing as much as I want someone to blame, as much as people kept telling me to go after the driver, the city, the state, I had to hang on to what I heard that night.  There is no denying it on my part.  As much as I want to some days...

This is God's will, your job is to forgive and give back to Him control.  Let Him carry this for you.

Does God not remember who I am?  I am a control freak, I like to know where, when, why, how and who! and find a solution to fix things that are broken!  And now, NOW I have to let God look after this????

I go back and forth between blaming the driver, and seeing the Lord's hand in all this.  Mostly I see the Lord's hand.  I know this is how things were supposed to play out.  I know I agreed to this and I promised I would do my very best to get back to my Savior.  

It's easier said than done.. that's for sure.  Some days I want to feel the hate, fuel the fire so to speak.. some days that VOID that is ever present in my life, is like a big neon sign that will not lose power.

And some days, I smile, whistle even.  

I am allowed to be happy, angry, frustrated, loved, lonely, sad, at peace, tearful.  I am allowed to move forward, not forgetting what has happened, for that is what is shaping me into a whole new person, but forgiving what has happened.

Someone asked me recently if I have truly given this back to the Lord,, and I didn't know how to answer that then... after last night, I can yes,, Yes I have truly given it back to the Lord.  Sometimes I get a little piece of it within my reach and I grab it quickly and hold it tight for a second... and I am allowed to do this,, if only to remember why I gave it back to Him.  So yes,,, this is the Lord's burden to carry,, *poor guy!* 

I try to see the good in all things, I cringe when my friends complain about their kids, *I want them to know their kids are just being kids,,, and not trying to upset the parental cart*
 I long to wrap the crying parent in my arms and tell them, this too shall pass,,and yes YOU WILL MISS THIS!,

I want to pick up the struggling teenager and tell them life is supposed to be hard, if it was easy, what fun would it be.
 I want to encourage them to express themselves, and be polite, to see ahead of the moment they are in right now, and how it all works out in the end.

It is a daily job, to Just Let Go, it's a conscious decision we each have to make, every single day...  

So many quotes I heard in the movie that I wish I could remember,,,,,

I guess I will just have to go see it again!