It is something I have delt with for 20+ years. Something I had been afraid to talk about or share with anyone for years. Why? Because of the stigma that came with it. Because of the comments I have heard directed towards those with this disease. Because I didn't want to be labelled as a mental case. When members of my family found out I was taking anti-depressants all those years ago, I got comments like, "you don't have depression. You're too happy!" And "what on earth are you taking those for, just suck it up
FYI,, these comments do NOT help.
My depression first reared it's ugly head when I was a single mother with a baby and a toddler, barely making ends meet, dealing with divorce lawyers, and an ex who let his lawyer do all his fighting for him. I went to the dr and got the needed medication and,though the change wasn't sudden, it was like night and day. When my sweet 2 yr old baby girl spilt sprite on her aunt Brenda's futon we were using, she didn't look at me fearful of what was going to happen. She simu said "mommy, oopsie!" Climbed off the futon and got a towel to clean it up. The things that shouldn't matter didn't. I woke up happy, usually, I could handle conflict and be the calm reasonable one, I started exercising and eating better and thus started losing weight.Thus learning you can heal some mental disorders with proper nutrition and exercise and soon able to be off the man made medication. I continued on this glorious path for about 10 years.....
Enter baby #3! My "postpartum" was fulblown, let's face it, who seriously can keep up eating healthy and exercising when you have a watermelon growing in your midsection???? (Seriously at the end of this pregnancy I couldn't wrap my arms around my stomach he was THAT BIG!!!)
The difference this time,, I had a loving husband who helped me through all my emotions and picked up when I couldn't.
After about 4 years I was able to get off my meds again by controlling my dust and exercise.
Then we moved to Vegas. No family, no friends, nothing. And I spiraled. When my husband finally convinced me to go to the dr, the dr looked at me and said "if you're diabetic you wouldn't stop taking your insulin would you?, so why did you stop taking your meds?, it's the same thing!" Having never heard it put that way before a light went on in my head. Ok. This make sense. Now those of you who really know me know my struggle with food has been my whole life. I'm not diligent enough to eat clean continually to stay off my meds. So this is a part of my daily routine that I accept and deal with. Get up, brush my teeth, take my pills,,,,
Becoming a caregiver of your most beloved eternal companion when you're only 40 is in no ones life goals. It can really really stress you out, pull you down, weigh you down, and DEPRESS the crap right out of ya! So I was talking to a friend yesterday and when she asked what helped me feel closer to my Heavenly Father and kept me going I responded with "listening to my scriptures on the way to work, but I struggle to stay awake it's sooooooooooooooo monotone and,,,, boring!" *dont judge me*. She suggested I listen to conference on my way to work and I said I'd give it a try,,
I get in my car this morning and open the app on my phone, open conference talks, and guess who's popped up,,,,,,,,
Go ahead,,,,,,,,, guess,,,,,,, I'll wait!
Elder Holland's talk. *im behind in conferences so I hadn't heard it yet*, from this last October. Ok. I absolutely love Elder Holland, this is excellent.
"A broken vessel" really??? I am. Ok let's do this.
As I'm listening he is thing about depression and being a caregiver and I start tearing up. Perfect timing,,,, I think so. I know with assuridy that I'm not alone. I know we can do this. I know there are things I need to do to look after myself before I can look after my sweetheart. And what I can't do,,,, it's ok.
My goal today,,, to not let the adversary bring me down. I'm in control. Not him. I decide. Not him.
Bring it on world! My team is ready to face ya head on.
Finally I understand. We compensate for what we think are our downfalls. Finally coming out about what "ales you" can also be some of the best meds you can take. Remember there are also those on the other side that are there to help too.
ReplyDelete"Oh, did you hear that?" It was a voice in my head, and it wasn't mine. No you're not going crazy either. Listening closely I heard a very familiar voice, because I had heard it before as a youth. Someone I knew only in pictures. My uncle Bobby, "I know it is tough, I know, but keep going, you are ok."
Gods love, the love of those around us on both sides of the vale, and Faith in our Savior, along with those dog gone pills will help us get through the tough times.