Happy Anniversary! Do I have to celebrate?

This is an anniversary I  would rather not celebrate.  One year ago yesterday Todd was diagnosed with kidney failure and acute heart disease.  Today, the heart disease is gone, and the kidneys are failing as expected.  What a year.  There are times that it feels like this has been our lives for so much longer than a year.  Although it never feels shorter!! 

Throughout our entire marriage we have had trials,  who hasn't right?, between being lied about in court, being lied to by ex's, being deceived, trying to blend a family and make the transition smooth, only to be lied to by the kidlets, (yea I know kids lie, its what they do when they are afraid, I really get it, I do.) And the constant pull of the adversary trying to bring you down every time you get ahead just a little bit, and get on the right course, dealing with immigration, more court battles, more threats from ex's, more battling for parental rights, financial ups and downs, THIS is the only year I wish I could change.  It has made me feel soo incredibly weak.  Maybe because there is yet to be an end in sight.  Maybe because every other struggle we have just feels more like a 1000 lb stone being put right on top of MY shoulders.  I try so hard to take care of everything so my sweet husband can focus on the most important thing on our list of to do's,, GET HEALTHY!

I went and got a job 3 years ago out of boredom.  Levi was in school, Kenz was getting ready to move out, Jake was good. I needed one that allowed me to work weird hours, where I could be home when my kids got home from school.  *no matter what anyone says, I firmly believe, and my kids have shown me, that they needed me more as teenagers than as toddlers and preschoolers,* So it was important to me that they do NOT come home to an empty house.  Mum had to be there to greet them, to ask how their day went and to just listen sometimes. 

My very first interview I fell in love with the supervisor,, not romantic love, but a OMG I know you and I  are going to be the best of friends love.  We just clicked and I got the job!!  I loved my job,, I love it still,, most days!, and my old supervisor and I,, yep we are friends... she understands me, and my frustrations, she listens when I need someone to talk to, she doesn't pity me, she gets me.  She tells me to have a pity party every day for about 5 minutes then move on with my day.  She gets it when I say I dont want to go home because I know what's waiting for me, and all I want to do is sleep.  I love her. She is one of my rocks that I lean on quite heavily, and when I don't hear from her after a couple weeks, I start to get worried, *her husband is also disabled*

Anyways I digress,  I never thought my little $11/hr job would be the sole providing income for our family.  Todd was always so good at providing for us. Then 2013 hit, and boy what a roller coaster.  We went from $XXX,XXX.00 a year to $18,000.00  WHAT? really?  Talk about a shock for the pocket book.  I mean I can totally do poor, I have done it most of my adult life, with the exception of when Todd was working, so that wasn't the problem.  The problem was now my husbands whole entire sense of worth and purpose was gone.  He could no longer see well enough to work, *I don't want to get into all the things he can no longer do, y'all can read those in previous posts* He could no longer handle the stresses of every day life, of dealing with the ex's, and all the sweet stuff they like to throw at ya, of dealing with the bills, the rent, the noise kids make. Yes you read that,, he could no longer deal with the noise kids make being kids.  So I went into overdrive and became the middle man between him and the kids when he got angry, I started worrying about the bills, I stepped up and did everything while Todd focused on getting better.  I took over everything.  He can't see to pay the bills, or even read them, I took over disciplining the kids because it was better that I do it, than he fly off the handle over someone not picking up a towel, or leaving a noodle mess in the sink,  watching him cook is somewhat hilarious, but he does still do that.

This is my life, *sigh* (please don't comment that you're sorry we are going through this,,,etc.etc.  I love reading your comments but I don't need pity, what I need is a BREAK! LOL,I don't remember what it is like to go 24 hours without someone needing something from me, a sign *work* a schedule *work* their blood kit, their medicine, dinner, socks, stop this argument!  I post this only to vent, I know this is happening for a reason, I'm not sure the reason, but I do know this is all part of my Heavenly Father's plan for our family)

3 am get up, exercise and get ready for work.
530 leave for work
630-230 work, *tiring in and of itself*
3 pm home
check on hubby, make sure he's breathing,, no jokes, he's usually back in bed after getting levi out the door for school
4 pm levi gets home and get him going on homework, do whatever laundry I need for the next day
5 pm dinner,,, depending on how he's feeling one of us cooks, although now that it's just mister picky spoiled pants at home, dinners consist of a salad for Todd and I and whatever for Mr PSP.
6 pm kitchen, or not,,, most nights it's not.
7pm get Mr PSP in the shower and get myself ready for bed.
730-8pm I go to bed, exhausted, emotionally, physically and spiritually

lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat, this is what runs through my mind lol

So yes this is an anniversary I would rather NOT celebrate.  One I wish we didn't have.  However, it has taught me patience, tolerance and to accept help from others.  

We are so very grateful for all the support we have received from family and friends through the various fundraisers that have been held for us.  We now have insurance to cover Todd and his medical needs,,, $400 a month with a $986 deductible, once that is used up,, everything is free!!!  So he can now go get his eye surgery that he is in desperate need of to stop the bleeding behind his eyes. Hops is on the horizon, hopefully he can get his eye sight back! What a wonderful day that will be. 

I'm off to finish the Harry Potter Marathon with my favorite 10 yr old,, Mr. PSP!!

Thanks for listening