Christmas 2014

*editors note,, this is a venting session, a place where I can put my thoughts together and somehow let some of the pain escape,, I am in no way looking for sympathy*

It's my most favorite time of year.  The glistening decorations, the music, the love that we show one another......  Christmas!!

As I was walking through a store yesterday with my mum looking at all the glorious decorations, tears welled up in my eyes and I whispered in her ear,,, "it will never be the same will it?" 

I find myself lacking the enthusiasm to wrap presents this year, to celebrate.  I feel like I am living groundhog day over and over and the tape isn't even skipping. 

I am completely overwhelmed by the love and support of all of our friends, family and community!  The outpouring of love, the sweet tender mercies that I see every where I turn.  I have no words to express my gratitude and appreciation for all of it.  The hole in my heart is still there.  And it will be for the rest of my earthly life.  My arms ache to hold my husband close, my forehead aches to feel one last kiss from my baby boy who was trying so very hard to be a man.  I walk through stores and think how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life? I wonder if the tears will ever stop, if the ache will ever lessen,,  I never thought I would be a widow at 42, *a word that is so very hard to say* and I never dreamt I would be burying my baby at 11 1/2 yrs old.  They were my entire reason for getting up in the morning.

My husband was AMAZING!!!   the way he made me feel, I was THE most important person to him in the entire world.   He loved me so much, and he let every single person he met know exactly that.  I was his sweets!  I was all that mattered.  He took such good care of me, that I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself.  He was my rock,, my mediator, my helpmate, my ego boost, he held me in the highest regard, nothing else mattered to him except my happiness.

Our baby boy, was the spitting image of his daddy.  He loved being the center of attention.  He also loved being alone to create impressive lego structures!!  He knew when I needed a hug, or a kiss or even just a sweet smile.   He greeted me with a HUGE "HI MUM" every day I came home from work,,,  being ever so alert to hear the garage door open so he could open my car door when I pulled in.  He loved telling me about his days, and what he and his dad had done that day,, or how his dad had told him no on something and how unfair that was. 

How I love for those days again.  What would I give to hear my husbands dialysis machine annoyingly beep loudly, letting us know he had rolled onto the tube accidentally, to hear levi stomp down the stairs to his room because we wouldn't give him just $10 for that awesome bionicle on Ebay. 

The tears keep coming,,, no words can stop them.  No amount of normalcy can or will close the hole in my heart.

 And then I see a picture of my Savior embracing a weeping woman and I think,,, That's me, He's got this.

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds throughout these past 10 days.  *10 days,,, it's only been 10 days*   The gifts, the hugs, the outpouring of love from a community we have barely moved into,, the tender mercies all over the place... the way everything just fell into place, I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan. 

So I will continue to get up every morning, breathe in and out, as I plant my feet firmly on the ground.  I will continue to wipe the tears from my eyes, as I go throughout this new life of mine, they will lessen I am sure,  I will continue to look for the tender mercies that surround us, I will return hugs just a little bit tighter and a little bit longer so there is no doubt of my love for you, I will pray a little longer and sing a little louder, and I will continue to have faith in the wonderful Plan of Salvation.