Learning to walk

*seriously,, these ramble sessions are more for my benefit than yours,,,, I can't keep a thought straight in my head so the following post is going in a million different directions,, good luck*


I feel like a toddler,,, younger than a toddler actually,, I feel like an 12 month old learning to walk.  Everything takes so much effort right now, even breathing... every once in a while I have to think to myself,, BREATHE IN!, Exhale! Breathe in,, EXHALE!.  Things that used to come so naturally,,, take the greatest effort.  My smile feels plastic, forced,, fake.

I didn't even feel this helpless when I was a single parent with two kids... I just did it then,,, I don't know how to be a WIDOW.

I am at my parents house for a few weeks, trying to figure out how I am supposed to survive this new reality, although I have to say, as long as I stay in their house, I do pretty damm awesome at avoiding facing it.  It's when I step outside, into the literal coldness that reality hits.  I look outside the window and watch the snow fall silently from the sky and all I can think is,,, I have a young boy who would love nothing more than to stomp right through that virgin snow in Papa's backyard and make snowangels all day long, have a snowball fight with whomever was brave enough, usually it was his Dad,  to face the frozen air to make memories with this boy.

But I don't have him,or him, they are  home, where they are supposed to be, with our Father in Heaven, doing what He needed those two to do.  AND I MISS THEM!  I miss their smile, I miss his mischievousness, his smart mouth, his laughter, the twinkle in his eye,, OH HOW I MISS THEM BOTH!  My arms ache to hold him,, my ears ache to hear him and his Dad laugh hysterically as they plot out how to "get mum".

We went into Lethbridge today, and I remember whispering to my Mum, "will I ever be able to go into a store and not leave in tears because I see something that reminds me of my boys?"  her response, "not for awhile I'm afraid".  I tried on the sweetest pair of heels today, and thought, 'OMG He will Love THESE!, and I put them back on the shelf, and walked out empty handed...before anyone saw the tears well up in my eyes.  I walked into a store today and saw the BIGGEST collection of DR. WHO memorabilia I have ever seen, I could've stood there all day just staring at it,, seriously!!!  I can't even look at the kids department anymore,, why bother.... I saw a sweater at costco and immediately thought, Todd would love this!,, that's when I turned to my mum and asked if I would ever be able to shop again......

Todd's parents are taking us, the kids, on a cruise at the end of the month, and I am so scared to go.  Don't get me wrong,, I absolutely adore my inlaws,, all of them,, I seriously have the best inlaws in the entire world,  This was something Todd and I were so excited to do together, with his family.  How do I get on that plane, that ship without him?  *my thoughts are so jumbled right now*,, How do I enjoy and have fun without the one person in the entire world that fully completed who I am?
How do I do this when getting out of the house completely drains me?  *no I am not offering up my ticket!!!!* I am still looking forward to it, I just don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do any of this.

 So, when you ask me what you can do to help, here is my response, come sit with me, hug me, laugh with me, walk with me down my  path of memories, let me cry,, let me laugh, let me sit in silence as I enjoy knowing I am not alone, just let me....

 Please don't tell me it will get easier, or it will be ok,, it will never be ok.... It will be tolerable, and I will learn to live and navigate through this, but it will never be ok,, don't tell me to remember my faith, my faith is strong, I believe in life after death and I know I will see and be reunited with my sweet husband and son and other loved ones again.  NOTHING will ever shake that!! I know what I believe is true.  This hole in my heart is also true.. and NOTHING will ever fill it.

 You don't have to say anything at all,,, really,, because I know you are sorry, I know you worry about me, please just be my friend, don't leave me alone, but don't push.  Let me know you are there, or here, bring kleenex.  Come sit with me, go for a walk with me, don't be upset if I don't want to talk, look at pictures with me,

Don't be shocked when I make jokes about the widow Johnson, or how the position of marital partner is now open,, if you know me at all you know this is how I deal with stress,, humor.
Don't look at me with pity, look at me with love,, don't tell me you know what I am going through, but empathize with me,

I will continue to wake up every morning, breathe in, and breathe out, put my feet on the floor and move forward, through this pain that has my heart in its grips, through the agony, through the fear, the sorrow, and the tears\, just please walk beside me, hold my hand and let me know you are there.