Dill Chips and Eggnog

Everywhere I look I see memories, I can't escape them.  They are all encompassing. I see the snow covered mountains and tears fill my eyes as I remember how excited we all were to have a white Christmas, to feel the cold wind chaff your cheeks and you sped down a hillside on your crazy carpet sled you couldn't wait to get, the excitement on your face when your dad said he would pull you around the neighborhood with his jazzy,,, the glee in his eye at the ease in which you were happy.  

I walk into our bedroom, and what once felt crowded now feels enormously empty, the spot where you once laid your head, is now mine, and the smell is fading,, smells fade way to fast. Your cologne that was for special occasions, sits where you left it,, I spray my clothes when the days are hard, your soap in the shower,, I hold it to my nose, as the hot water washes my tears.  I'm so scared it will dissolve I keep it on the highest shelf in our shower so water doesn't melt it.

I dread the nightfall, that's when the events of that night play over and over in my mind.  The darkness that veiled the road, the lack of stars, the eerie silence,,, the spirit quietly whispering in my ear as I drove home from work,,, how I couldn't seem to get home fast enough,, before I even "knew". I drove around the accident, thinking how sad it was that something had to happen this time of year, little did I know,,,,, and yet I knew.  

I was walking through a store today with my mum and saw dill pickles on a shelf and tears filled my eyes as I let the memory of you asking for dill chips, and me thinking you wanted potato chips, flood my mind.  The all to familiar numbness came over me as I continued through the store,,,, eggnog, I see eggnog for 30% off and I grab a carton thinking What a great surprise it will be for Levi,,, I carry it about 20 feet before reality hits me, I slowly turn and put it back on the shelf, wondering if I will ever enjoy eggnog again, or dill pickle chips without crying, or feeling nauseous.  

Sleep is unrestful, when it does decide to invade my space.  I dream of you both, the memories are nonstop when I sleep,, if you can call it that.  I wake up anxious to push these to the back of my mind. I crochet until my wrist hurts because when. I crochet I count,,, my mind is busy, concentrating as best it can.

My eyes hurt,, they long to release tears that on,y seem to come in spurts.  My arms ache to hold you both, my ears long to hear your laughter.  I am at a loss as to what to do and how to live.  

I guess I will just keep putting my feet on the floor every morning, breath in and out, and pray,, for guidance through this new life, for peace to remain in my heart, for the comforter to stay by my side, to be my constant companion, for prayer to be in my heart and for dill chips and eggnog to taste good again,,,,  one day.