Baby steps

I'm laying in bed, at my parents listening to a friends episode play on my laptop,and feeling the need to write something,,,,, no idea what,,,, but something.  It's the new year,,, and I'm still waiting for Christmas,,,,, Christmas has come and gone and 2015 has begun.  

How can that be,, how can everyone pick up and move on like they didn't even exist,, or matter?  Like they weren't influential in so many lives.... Why hasn't time stopped until I can have a firm grasp on this reality??? I keep waiting for texts in the morning and at night that he sent every single day,,,,, I'm still waiting to hear why, exactly, dad is being unfair and 'the biggest meanie ever',,, 

The events of almost 4 weeks ago,, how can it have been 4 weeks already,, those events keep playing through my mind.  I had to go to training, it was a scheduled class,,,, I didn't want to go,,  I wanted to spend the day with my boys,, it was the first day of Levi's being off track,, he was so excited for 3 weeks of no school.  I was going to go to training and come home, the three of us were going to go somewhere for dinner and go see a movie to kick off the break from school, and to celebrate my new job.  So many things were happening that we were so excited for.  Todd was excited to give the kids what we got them for Christmas. He could hardly contain himself.  He was such a big kid. He was excited to take Levi Christmas shopping, and Levi couldn't wait to buy presents for us and his siblings. 

Everything went as planned,,, right up until I pulled into my garage.  I remember it like it was an out of body experience. Like I wasn't really there,, like it wasn't real.  How I wish that was true, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare,  that I have no choice but to embrace, accept,, and learn to navigate through. 

Those events run through my mind, every time I leave the house, get into a car, walk through a store.  I feel like I am betraying them when I laugh, or don't think about them for 5 minutes! Shame on me right,,,, I mean this should be consuming me to the point of not being able to be, we all know this is what Todd and Levi would want,,,,  NOT!!!  There are days I have to physically remember this.  There are also days when it's way easier.  

I am so grateful for all my friends who have held me up through prayers, good thoughts, hugs, and visits.  I would never want to go through this without each and every one of you.  There are no words to express my Love and appreciation for each one of you.  The jokes on Facebook,the random phone calls,, the understanding, the sitting at my parents table and laughing like I haven't laughed in months.  The hugs,, the long hugs, that come with no words, no expectations,, just love, I feel your love, and I feel your heart ache for me, for my kids.  And I thank you so very much for that.  

Thank you for all your love,,, and patience as I struggle to learn how to live my earthly life without the love of my life by my side (except for work we were hardly ever apart the last year), with out that little pesky boy who could not grow up fast enough.  My door is open, and if you walk in and I'm on the floor,, you don't need to say a word,,,, just offer me a hand up and let me lean on you for just a bit.  Make me laugh,, listen to my stories,, even if you've already heard them,, they're all I have left right now. 

I've babbled enough for one night,, so I'm going to turn out my light, and try to sleep, and when the sun rises, I will take a deep breath, put my feet on the floor, and continue to take the baby steps I need to get me through each day.  I will have a great day,,, with some sad moments,,, and that's ok.

Love love love