The more things change........ The more they stay the same....

I made it home.  The whole day has been filled with traveling, first to Calgary to catch my plane, then on the plane to Phoenix, Arizona,, (don't ask), then a 3 hour layover, before I get on a plane to Salt Lake City.  I was doing great,, fantastic even! Right up until we touched down in Salt Lake.  I was home.  I made it.  I made it home.

I got off the plane, and walked to baggage claim, looking to see if my ride had made it,, and I caught myself looking for Todd.  The pain was tangible, the anxiety was swelling in my stomach.  My heart hurt all over again.  The emptiness was real, and reality was slapping me right in the face.  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?  My sweet friends stay with me for a couple hours and ask if I want them to stay with me tonight... Do I have to decide?  Part of me desperately wants them to stay, I am scared to death of being alone in my house,, the other part of me,, the reality facing part of me knows this has to happen sooner or later, so I suck it up and bite the bullet and answer no,,, I can do this. I lock the door as they leave, and walk upstairs... past the pictures on the wall of my family,, our family,, our kids,, my pride and joy, past the man cave,, HIS happy place, His dream room so to speak.

I miss my parents,, I miss the comfort of knowing they are right above me. I walk into our bathroom and see his deodorant, I can't help myself and I open it and smell that familiar smell... the smell that meant he was right here, beside me, protecting me,, waiting to hold me in his arms, to kiss me, to tell me he loves me, to ask me how my day was.  THAT SMELL.  The smell I have longed for, yearned for even.  The tears break free quite easily, and take that all too familiar trail down my cheeks.

I want him back. I WANT THEM BOTH BACK!!!  I take a tiny bit of that smell and rub it right under my nose.  It helps,, it causes even more tears but it helps.

I'm reading an incredible book by Elder Jeffrey R Holland,, called "To My Friends"

Can I just express my love and adoration for this man?  He is amazing!  It's like he wrote this especially for me.  So much help and guidance in this book.

I'm ok,,, most of the time. Some of the time I am not ok,, and THAT'S OK!  It's completely ok to not be ok.

So now I am going to curl up on our bed,, and smell the crap out of that smell that is currently residing on my upper lip..... it reminds me of when he was just out of the shower and would kiss me.  I would nuzzle into his neck and breathe deeply, and he would wrap me in his arms.

I am going to hug my big Teddy bear that my mum bought me, and pray that sleep comes swiftly and I dream happy dreams.. or none at all... and in the morning,, I will get up, put my feet firmly on the ground and breathe in and out,,, and keep on going forward, in my new reality.

Love Love Love