THAT DAY

Tonight is the 32nd night I have gone to bed alone, the 32nd night I haven't said goodnight,, I love you... Tonight is the 32nd night I haven't said 'love me' and felt him wrap me in his arms as he whispers in my ear "I DO LOVE YOU"

Tomorrow marks the 33th day... one month exactly since my phone last whistled at me.... it was Todd telling me that Levi had just asked what was for Breakfast.  That morning we had our ward Christmas Breakfast/party.  THAT MORNING.

That morning  we sat with a family we hardly knew,, that morning we made new friends, that morning I harassed a young man who was celebrating his 16th birthday on that very day. That morning was my last kiss goodbye. That morning I left the house WITHOUT saying my usual joke which was "don't go get dead today!" *I said that every day I left for work and they or he (todd) was awake, it was a joke between us that just became habit, and THAT MORNING I left for work without saying it!*  THAT MORNING, I got my last forehead kiss from a sweet boy who took that responsibility, given him by his oldest brother, very seriously. THAT MORNING I felt his little arms wrap around me for the last time, my ears heard him say that he loved me,,  THAT MORNING, I kissed my husband good bye and instead of saying "see you tonight" I said "see you later", Instead of saying "don't get dead" I said see you later.

THAT MORNING!!!!!!  I want a do over! I want to go back and tell them both how much I love them,, and to NOT GET DEAD!, why didn't I say it THAT MORNING???

THAT AFTERNOON, I talked to my husband on the phone while I was at lunch,, I never call my husband on my lunch break, I usually just vegged,, but THAT AFTERNOON, I did. And we laughed, he was so excited for Christmas, he couldn't wait to give the kids their presents!!  THAT AFTERNOON I got to hear him say I LOVE YOU, one more time, he told me I was beautiful,, it was nothing new for him to say, he said it every day,, but THAT AFTERNOON, it just felt different.

THAT EVENING, I had to stay late at training to get a timecard signed...  THAT EVENING I knew something was wrong.  THAT EVENING I drove past the VERY accident not once but twice.  THAT EVENING, is such a complete blurr.... THAT EVENING, THAT EVENING,,, I got a text from the above mentioned 16 yr old young man saying 'he wasn't sure why, but he thought he should check on me!'

THAT EVENING....

I remember every single event of THAT DAY, but like it was an out of body experience,,

And I am not sure how I have gotten up every single morning for the last 32 days??  I certainly don't remember sleeping,,My nights are fitful at best,  but I wake up every morning.  How am I going to get up tomorrow?

I see them everywhere. They let me know they are here.

I am remembering how to laugh, I am remembering how to smile.  I cry every single day,, sometimes 2 or 3 or 100 times in a day,, I have to consciously remember they are not here, not physically. Many times I have had to put things back that I grab off store shelves.

32 days.  It's only 1 month,,, 4 weeks, I often wonder how am I supposed to go through the rest of my mortality without them?  Todd was the love of my life.  He took pride in looking after me, in providing for me.. he took pride in ME!  I will never again find a love like that.

I sat in church this last sunday surrounded by my brother and his family and my parents,, we were in fort McMurray for my niece's baptism,, and I couldn't sing the songs,, the words in the hymns suddenly mean so much more to me,,my eyes well up every time,,  *I miss his voice supporting mine, I miss holding his hand every time a prayer is said, I miss kneeling with them both at night as we giggle and laugh getting ready for prayers,,, I miss Levi singing his heart out and trying hard to hit the low notes like his dad*

For the last two weeks, there is one particular hymn I can not get out of my head,,, #169,,, the third verse plays over and over in my mind...

'As now we praise thy name with song, the blessings of this day, (that day)
will linger in our thankful hearts, and silently we pray,
for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey,
we love thee Lord, our hearts are full,,
We'll walk thy chosen way'

That right there is how I am getting through this...I have courage as well as faith to accept what has happened,  I love my Father in Heaven, and my heart is full of love and gratitude, as well as sorrow,, and I will walk HIS chosen way. Now is MY chance to get ready for the reunion in Heaven.... NOW is MY CHANCE!  I can't blow this,, I can't screw this up.  I won't MISS this!

I may cry every day for the rest of my mortal life.. and I'm ok with that.  I think.  My eyes burn,, the poor skin around my eyes feels so raw, I have stopped using kleenex and just let the tears fall.

There is so much more I want to say, but I haven't figured out how yet... so for now...


Love love love