It's the little things...

The smell that is faintly still on their clothes,,, walking down stairs to the boycave,, the batcave,  and seeing his toys just as he left them, finding a snickerdoodle cookie mix in the pantry, seeing his watches on his dresser, These are the things that trigger my tears. That make me want to shut my door, lock it and not let anyone in.

I went downstairs for the first time today since I've been home, with the intention of going through Levi's clothes, *a lady in our ward has offered to make me a quilt out of Todd and Levi's clothes*, I walked into his room and the knot in my stomach grew 10 times,,, the ache was tangible.  I stood in front of his closet and saw his suit,, the suit he had to have so he looked like his big brother, and my eyes welled and spilt over.  His smell was there,, it was faint, but it was there.  I started pulling his clothes off the hangers and came upon his scout shirt... how this boy wanted to be an eagle scout.  His first scout camp he earned 11 badges!  He loved scouts,, he loved his leaders and the boys he got to hang out with.  

With the closet finished, I sat on his bed,,, tears streaming down my face,, how I miss him.  How my heart aches to hear his laugh again. to sit on the bed with me and mock the fact that I was crocheting so that made me an old lady.My heart has a hole in it,, that will never be closed.  I started going through his dresser.  OH MAN! How am I supposed to choose what I want in this blanket?  I want every article of clothing stitched together and laid out on my bed.  I find the underwear I bought him that he HATED and wouldn't wear and laughed through the tears,, man for a boy he could be picky!  He liked his Hanes boxer briefs.  His tshirts,, batman, levi's, minecraft, and BYU,, I smelt each piece of clothing as I put it in a pile to give to my sweet friend who is making the blanket for me.

I let the tears fall, I let the sobs escape my throat.  My best friend is sitting beside me,, she doesnt say a word, she just cries with me.  We finish up downstairs and we head on up to my closet,, to our closet.... *sigh*  We go through Todd's clothes and that is a little harder,, do I want to have them close to me, or do I want to see our boys wearing them, or give them to our girls to wear as night shirts,,,, again the tears fall.   My bf's husband is headed out the front door and I run down stairs and he just hugs me tight and lets me sob.  I am lucky enough to have a friend who knows that sometimes you just need a "husband hug".  (a purely platonic non creepy hug!)

I don't want to let go when you hug me!  And it doesn't really matter who you are.  Hugs help relieve just a tiny bit of the heartache, the pain,, the hole seems to feel less black and foreboding.  

I cleaned off Todd's phone today and found video that was taken the day of the accident,, they were in Smith's,, I could hear Bruce's trumpet playing in the background,, I could hear Levi's sweet laugh, and my sweet husband's voice as he cracks a funny. I would give anything to have been with them that night, to be part of the laughter.  I can't believe how many pictures Todd had on his phone!  I am so glad he has so many!!!!

It's the little things that make me cry,, it's the darkness that comes at night, and I know it's time for my friend to go home,,, it's the pictures of  my baby and his dad, it's hearing a silly video of  Levi laughing while his dad calls his name,, it's the little things that make me cry,, and make me want to keep going through each day, so I can finish whatever it is I have to do here on earth, and be reunited with these two again!  

So please hug me close, but you don't need to say anything.. just let me cry,, 

love love love