Will this feeling of nausea ever go away?
Most days I feel like I have a very firm grip on this new reality, and all it takes is one little thing,, and the flood gates open, which I'm totally ok with, the feeling of nausea plants itself right in the pit of my stomach and seems to set up camp. Today's little thing,, pictures, pictures of my sweetheart, the love of my life,that I spent 12 wonderful years with and pictures of the little boy I was so blessed to have in my life for 11 short years.
Dad says I need to give myself time to mourn and quit being strong for everyone else. I'm not being strong for everyone else, I'm being strong for me. Mourning sucks. Being sad sucks. Crying sucks even more. I look horrible with red puffy swollen eyes. Todd and Levi both lived to make me laugh. I was the most important person in both of their lives. (Not me being arrogant, just believing what they both had said repeatedly to me)
I'm sad. That's ok. I cry every day and that's ok. I see their faces everywhere I turn, and that's OK too. I worry about my in laws,I need to be there for them. (Seriously I have the best in laws in the entire world and I love them like they're my parents) I worry about my kids, I worry about my parents worrying about me. And yes. I worry about me.
I said to my mum today as we were looking at pictures 'I just wish I could peek into Heaven and make sure they are ok, I know where they are and I know what I believe is true but....'
I want to see Todd stand tall without faltering, I want to see Levi running around making people laugh, I want to hear them tell me they are OK and they are saving a spot for me. I want to feel whole again. I want to wake up and feel fantastically wonderful and I want food to taste good again (although being down 20 lbs is rather excitjng haha) I want to go 24 hours without tears wetting my cheeks.
I miss the texts, the banter, the laughter, feeling safe in his arms, even though he was so sick he always made me feel protected.
One day I want to get on here and post wonderful happiness. I know it will come.
Until that time comes I'll continue to breath in and out, throw back the covers and plant my feet firmly on the ground every single morning, and take it one step at a time.
Love love love.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
ReplyDeleteTo every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. You're okay Rhonda. Every person has their own trials to go through. I know it's no fun when you're going through it, but if you keep your faith, your trials will refine you.