2013 Johnson style : Reflecting pool

I have spent the last 20 days reflecting on the last 384. So much has changed.

It continues to amaze me what the human heart can survive. I am sitting here completely surprised that I am sitting here,, if that makes sense. The month I expected to be the absolute hardest and worst month of my life, for the rest of my life, was amazingly filled with love, family and building new memories! I am not even really sure what I want to say, so I am just going to type it and hope I don't sound like a complete blubbering fool.

For the first time in over a year, I actually feel like my brain is solidified. I can hold a thought for more than 30 seconds, I can recall conversations from the day before,, mostly. I smile, and I mean it. I love life again. I whistle mostly every day again. I want to live. I want to see my babies get married, which is happening for both of them this year!!!, I want to see my grand babies, and love and spoil them like no other!!!! AND IT FEELS GOOD!!

I feel validated in my anger, and in my forgiveness. I can honestly say that I am so very grateful for that miracle we call forgiveness,, never thought of it as a miracle until this last year. I spent a lot of time going back and forth over and over. between anger verging on hatred and forgiveness towards the man who ripped apart my life and the lives of my children. And I have learned that that is completely OK! I don't have to like him,, I don't have to get the warm fuzzies when I see him at my grocery store,, yes it will always be MY grocery store. I feel sorrow for him mostly, don't get me wrong, sometimes the anger still comes up... most days it's sorrow. He is in complete denial as to his part in all this, and when it hits him over the head,, it will hit him hard. It may not be this lifetime that this happens, but it will happen. Of this I have no doubt, and it will tear him to his very core.

Having said all that, I am moving forward. I am focusing on the positive things in life, and all that anger is far from positive. Life is GOOD!!!

I got to spend the 13 of December with Mackenzie, and just remember Todd and Levi and all that was them!!!
On December 14 our Elder returned home with honor from his 2 year mission in the Georgia Macon Mission. On the 18th, my parents arrived, the 20th was Jacob's homecoming here in Utah, and then Christmas!!!!!

A few tears were shed Christmas day. It was eerily quiet, peaceful, and full of love.. their presence was tangible. My mum bought all of us little lego kits and I had bought lego figures,, the tree,, that I finally decided I would put up, was covered in BYU, Lego and Dr Who ornaments, with one tiny Ute ornament, and 3 snowmen for Kenz, Jeff and Jake. It was quiet, we played card games, we laughed, we shed a few tears, I can't speak for everyone but I knew exactly where those two men were every minute of that day!

December 26, caught my parents driving north to head home, and Jake and I driving south to Henderson for his homecoming in our ward there. Is it possible to have more than one home,, they say home is where the heart is, and my heart is divided,, between Canada, Utah, Henderson and Heaven,, how does one choose?

Jake had his homecoming on December 27, and our sweet friends had an open house for us, and we got to visit with all our family down there. *I have said it before and I will say it again, my heart knows no difference between blood family and friend family,, family is family*

I dropped Jake off in St George on my way home on the 28th. And that man child went and proposed to a sweet girl we have known for years!!!! So we have ANOTHER wedding this year!!! April 23, in St George. To say I am happy for them is an understatement. It will be exciting to watch these two young adults grow and mature together! And seriously, I have loved her and her family for years, they are one of our closest friends in St George, so it just makes sense!

I struggled a little bit with Jake being down in St George when our plan was he would live here with me, yet something changed, not sure what it was,, that brought peace to my heart with the whole thing. It will work out. And honestly, I am kinda liking not having to continuously worry about said man child, and come and go as I please.. If I want to cook, I cook, if I don't I don't. To say I have adjusted to living alone, well,, it's a true statement.

New Years Eve, was spent sober and engagement free with friends! haha We, well my girlfriends husband BBQed in the 5 degree weather, while my date kept him company, haha, And Mandi and I sat inside, and played with her son, and had a mini new years with him, then sent him to bed so the adults could party!

That brings us to today,, the first page of the next 364 of my life. I love where my life is going right now. I love watching Mackenzie and Jacob become adults, and figure out how to maneuver through life. It has been... fun isn't the right word, but fun to watch as Kenz and Jeff adjust to all the changes in their lives, and getting all the wedding prep done. Their wedding is October 1!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!!!

So as I reflect on the last 384 days, I have noticed that

the world is full of good people that are all too often overshadowed by the ones making choices that negatively affect others
that not everything has to be ok all the time.
you can be happy and sad simultaneously
people often speak without thinking first and don't always mean how they say something
some things there are no letting go of and that is completely ok, I mean I am not the Savior, I am trying to be more like Him, but I am not HIM!!! (and let's not forget He too had times of anger and frustration!!!!!!! and no one told Him to Let it go!)
you can smile through the pain and fake it as long as you need, then one day you will realize that your smile isn't necessarily fake any more.
tears are ok
sadness is ok
the things we learn in this life are simply amazing
you can love more than one person at the same time, and that is ok too! (provided one of them is waiting for you on the other side!!!!)
what you think you can't possibly survive, you will
your heart will heal
your heart will still ache
you are stronger than you think
braver than you believe
and smarter than you know...
and as hard as it is to believe in the middle of the dark cloud of grief.. you will be ok. You will always shed a tear for lost loved ones, and that is perfectly ok.

So here is to an amazing 2016!!! May it find you all happy, healthy, and knowing you are loved and cherished beyond your wildest dreams!!

Jake and I went to the cemetery with my parents so my dad and Jake could see the headstone,,, I bought the boys a drink and chocolate! haha Jake and I decided to sprinkle the M&M's and drizzle the drinks over them so no one would take them!!