Would you know....

So this picture popped up on my newsfeed today....

With the question,, "would you recognize Him if He showed up looking like this?"

Good question... would you??   

I am wanting to share a very personal, very spiritual experience with you that happened on the night of the accident... It is THE ONLY thing that brought me comfort that night, and my only regret is I didn't realize it until about 1 month later.... 

I remember:

• driving around the accident... not once, but twice and thinking how horrid that something would happen this time of year and I hoped that everyone involved was ok.  
•  wanting to punch the officer that wouldn't let me down to my loved ones when I realized it was them
• thinking if I do punch him I will end up in jail
• hearing Todd whisper to me that everything was ok, and I would get through this 
• the grief councilors trying to comfort me and me telling them to NOT touch me
• only letting the Lieutenant help me into his truck and making sure I stayed standing
• listing off people who needed to be called,, here is where it gets interesting...

The very first person I asked them to call, *I had already called my daughter and my inlaws, beyond that I was useless*, was my Bishop.  This is how the conversation went:

Me: My bishop,, someone needs to call him,, I really am going to need a blessing,,, he doesn't know who I am, we just moved into the ward,, he knows Todd though and Levi, but I have worked every Sunday almost since we moved here, is it ok to call him... do you think he will come?

I was assured that he would come... I think someone said that,, 

Someone, I don't know who, called him....  He was at the other end of the accident,, apparently waiting for me to be notified....  neither of us knew where the other one was.

He was told I was at the fire house.

I looked up a few minutes later *should NOT blog at work! HOLY CRAP tearfest 2016!* and I saw a man walk into the fire house... he all but ran to me, opened his arms and just held me.  I don't think I have ever seen such a completely crushed demeanor on a human.  His arms wrapped completely around me whispering to me "I am so sorry, Rhonda, I am so sorry" "I wish I could take this from you"  "Please know how sorry I am"  and every single time I looked up at him and said "THIS ISN"T REAL, Please tell me this is nothing more than a horrid nightmare,, they are my life, I NEED THEM BACK NOW!"  Fresh tears spilled from his eyes and he just kept saying how desperately he wished he could take this from me.....

Jump ahead a month or so.. and people are telling me to let the Atonement work,, let it do it's job.  I was furious.  How on earth is the Atonement supposed to work for ME? I didn't do anything wrong!!!  I wasn't the one who got drunk and decided to drive home at 5 in the freaking after noon..... this was not something the Atonement could fix for me.

I had a huge misunderstanding of the Atonement, and what it does.  Our Savior did not bleed from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, fast for 40 days and nights, be persecuted, have His friends betray Him, and then be hung on a cross and die only for our sins...  This is what most people think of when the Atonement is mentioned... it is what I thought of.  

Our Savior has felt every tear each of us has shed, every single heart break, minor or major, every single wrong done unto each of us, He has felt it all.  

I don't remember exactly when I realized what had actually happened that night, but it hit me like a ton of bricks,, Those words that our sweet Bishop whispered into my ear on the darkest night of my life,,, they weren't from him,, but from HIM.  It was my Savior's arms around me that night,, His heart that broke along with mine, His voice that whispered those words of love and comfort,, His face that I saw when I saw a broken, crushed, man.  It was my Savior that wanted desperately to take this pain from me, He wanted to protect me from this heart ache, this black hole that I had been thrown into... He couldn't take it from me, because I had agreed to it.   He had already done His part.  He had already fulfilled His promise to me.  Now I needed to fulfill mine to Him. 

*sorry if this sounds like I am rambling AGAIN!*

So when this picture of my older brother popped up on facebook today, all I could think of was YES!! I already did.  I know who HE is, I know HE loves me... and I know through Him I can do all I had promised Him I would do.  And knowing He is walking beside me daily does nothing more than help me get through this life and strive to be worthy to be greeted by Him, and my boys again one day!!!  

This is my ah-ha moment. 

 This is what I carry in my heart daily.

  I KNOW WHO HE IS! and I pray that tomorrow, I will recognize Him much sooner than I did on that day.