Change of Focus

It's funny how your perspective changes with the events that happen in your life.  Christmas used to be about the kids... getting the perfect present for each one of them, finding just the exact right gift for my sweetheart.  Easter, used to be about filling their baskets to the brim with Chocolate, and reminders of the love of our Savior. I used to go nuts buying chocolate for Easter, this year... not so much.  This year, I see reminders of my Savior every where I look.  I see it in the tulips and daffodils that are struggling through the hard Utah soil to push through, and then grow in leaps and bounds in a matter of weeks, bloom,,, and die,,,, only to wait until next spring to do the same thing all over again.  Such a short life span these delicate flowers have.  Maybe 6 weeks... if you remember to water them.  The blossoms don't even last that long I dont think. 

Kind of like our lives here on earth no?  We struggle to get through our lives here, to be the best we we can be.  And we BLOOM!  We rock it, we live our lives to the fullest..  and then we die.  How sad that would be if that were the end.  If there was nothing else but blackness and "soil" if it were.  Thanks to the loving sacrifice of our Lord and Savior, we have the opportunity to be with our loved ones again.  We have the chance to live forever, to be married to our eternal companions for ETERNITY!  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING IT IS TO HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE!

To know I get to see my son and my husband and all those that have gone before me, because Jesus Christ was willing to take on all of my sins, your sins, and everyone else's sins, and did die on the cross at Calvary for you,, for me,, for all of us!  To know I get to have the opportunity to raise my son and watch him grow into the man I know he already is.  What a joyous day that will be when I get to feel not only my Father in Heaven's arms wrap around me again, but those of Todd and Levi., of my Grandfather, my older brother, my Grammas. 

When I have rough days, *like last night* and my heart literally wants to leap out of my chest and onto the floor and beat it's last beat, I am comforted by the thought of what Heavenly Father endured, watching HIS Only Begotten Son, endure all He did, for all His brothers and Sisters to be able to return to our Lord's presence one day.  Did Jesus know the pain he would endure?  Did Father know the heartache He would feel when He heard His Son cry out "Father, why hast thou forsaken me?"  Did He weep at the sight of His children taunting His Only Begotten?  Did THEY know?  Christ stepped up, He stepped forward and said "send Me!" 

Did we know what pain we would endure in this life?  I know Todd and Levi are watching me, and I know their hearts break every time they see me cry for my loss.  How do I know??  I saw it with my own eyes, I watched my husband's heart break every time we got hurt as parents, every time I wept, he wept with me.  He wept for me.  He heart broke that he couldn't take that pain from me, and just deal with it himself.  That is how I know.

I know our Savior and our Father in Heaven knew exactly what THEY would experience, the pain they each would feel.  They both agreed to it.  They knew the end result is worth all the pain in the world, which is what, I believe THEY EACH EXPERIENCED.  They both wanted each of us to return to be with THEM in the end.  That is the end goal,, that is the eternal blessing we each want.

I miss them.  EVERY. SINGLE.DAY.    The tears are fewer, and further between, the memories are happier, the hole in my heart is there, it hasn't gone away, I am still learning to live with it in it's place, I don't expect it will ever leave, nor do I want it to, but I am looking forward,,, 2 months ago, I was at 20% ok.... today,, I'm about 45%, I want to be 98% whole again.  That 2% is the hole that will never leave. That 2% is what will get me through this life and it will get me to the 98%. 

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/as-now-we-take-the-sacrament?lang=eng