Triggers..

It is weird what can suddenly change your great mood, to an ok mood, to a downer day.  And it really sucks.

Tums,,, SIGH!  Seriously, antacid can put me in tears.  My girlfriend came over last week and helped me pack up my little man's room, and the things I found... a book of his writing, little things I had forgotten all about and I figured he had as well... but he had them tucked away.  His brother Jacob's first ctr ring he got when he was baptised,, Jake gave it to Levi when Levi got baptised.  I was supposed to put it in Levi's casket with him and I couldn't find it.... now it's on my pinkie.  As I closed his door, I found the bottle of tums I bought him, he figured it was a good source of calcium, and besides,,,, "Dad takes them all day long, 2 a day won't hurt me Mum,, it'll help my bones!" So I got him his own bottle, and somehow it ended up behind his door.  As I held that bottle in my hands, so many thoughts came rushing to my head.....  do I throw it out,, do I keep them and use them,,, these were his,, his little fingers were in this very bottle picking out his favorite flavors... how can I toss them away, or eat them like they mean nothing.  I open a tote and toss the bottle inside, close the closet door, lock the bedroom door and walk back upstairs,, the hole in my heart isn't closing any time soon.

I am helping a very close friend of mine pack up his house, He's moving to the Lehi area.  Good for him,, sad for me!  *I'm kinda selfish that way!!!*  His wife passed away 3 years ago next month.  And he is simply incredible.  The big brother who's a year younger than me.  :-) If I'm not careful and I read this he will need to find an even bigger house for his ego! lol

I offered to help him pack up some of his house as my schedule is less demanding then his,, and as I was going through his memories the tears started flowing, thinking of all the things his wife, and my husband and son will miss.  And all I can think is Damn them all for leaving us here, to deal with this, to be parents alone, watch our respective kids grow and struggle alone, to have to date again,, seriously you three angels,, ya suck!!!!,   We joke that we have a list,, a poop list,, and they are on both of ours!   thank heavens, either we are both crazy for the things we hang onto, or we are completely normal,,,  I am gonna go with 'we are both a new normal!' 

Part of me wishes I had hung onto some of Todd's things, his medications, the dialysis machine, etc etc, but why?  I would just have to throw it out!!!!  However, there is still a pile of his clothes sitting on his computer chair waiting for him to put them away.... *how has it only been three months,, it feels like an eternity*  I am not sure how long they will sit there, I guess eventually I will move them myself to the top of the closet,, I just don't know. 

The tums will stay in that tote, along with all my baby's other treasures I could bear to pack away until I am ready to go through them.. no sooner, no later. 

Sometimes I feel so weak, other times I can conquer the world.... Going through memories sucks,, whether they are mine or someone elses,...they suck!