I woke up this morning and that all too familiar pit was right where it was last week,,, residing in my tummy. I had an appointment with my bishop this morning, so I got up, got ready for church, went to my appointment, turns out he was just checking on me haha. We talked for about 25 minutes and I asked him for a blessing again,, *I wonder if I will ever be told no!,, I sure hope not!* Church wasn't til 1, so I went to choir practise,, and they are learning this incredible song called "I Will Rise" , Yea I couldn't get through it. So I sat there and listened.., Sorry Zach,, not sure I will be there next week,, love ya buddy! Then I came home to finish off a few things before Church started.. And I was feeling pretty darn good... until we started our meetings... Sunday is apparently tear day for me.
It was fast sunday today,, 3 months ago was the last time I got to sit
in church with my husband and our son.,, it was the last time I would
hear their testimonies,,,,, luckily I caught and recorded some of
Levi's,,, yay for heeding promptings,, I read it today during testimony
meeting, to myself. Bitter sweet. Watching those boys,, Levi's friends,,, I just sit there with my eyes closed, praying I don't sob out loud. I sit with my friends and their young son puts his head on my lap and I start scratching it, rubbing his head, and he falls asleep. *sigh* the tears just fall,, I don't even hide it any more, I feel this young boy's mom's hand on my shoulder,,, I sit on the couch with a friend and her husband, and another friend, during sunday school and I actually reach out to scratch her husbands back,, purely out of habit.... my arm ended up dropping on the back of the couch,, I'm pretty sure no one noticed,, except me. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. I know certain people are watching me, making sure I am ok, and I am grateful for them.
Sometimes I just feel like saying "OK Satan,, ya got me,, you win,, I give up!" So badly I want to say that some days,,, I miss them. I miss being a mum,, I had another friend's son tell me "I'll be your (his name), is that ok?" Oh I hugged that little man,, I miss the feeling of safety of my husbands arms around me. That's why when you hug me I hang on just a little tighter, a teenie bit longer. And without sounding creepy,, if you're a man, I soak in the scent of your cologne, *I swear I am not a creeper!*
I'm exhausted, from crying,, *Thought I had a handle on it seriously*, from waking up alone, from missing loving arms around me, from putting on make up only to look like a raccoon, seriously need waterproof mascara!, from longing to once again feel safe and secure, from feeling like a weak little girl when everyone makes comments on how strong I am. So if you happen to hug me and I fall apart, just hold me. Let me cry. I may just cry myself to sleep, because I am just exhausted, from being "strong".
Love love love
The fact that you get up every day.
ReplyDeletethe fact that you get out of bed every day.
the fact that you put makeup on every day.
THAT is why you are strong.
the tears and smudged makeup prove you have a heart....that you loved....that you love still.
you ARE strong, Sweetie.