Today was no exception. I used to be in my seat at least 10 minutes early, if not I was late,, however, lately I leave my house about 3 minutes before my meetings begin. I pray I can slip in, and get through sacrament without tears streaming down my face. It is so hard to see these boys,, most of them friends of my son, my baby, passing the sacrament, and know I will not be able to see him do this in this life. I miss him. I miss rubbing his head in sacrament meeting. I miss telling him to be quiet or fold his arms, I miss feeling him lay his head on my lap and ask me to lightly scratch his back. I miss his laugh.
I miss holding Todd's hand during prayers, or snuggling into his arm during dry council sunday! I miss his smell,, I miss how he balanced me out,, he kept me calm, he loved me like no one else every has or will... he lived for me!~ HE was my rock! my safe place,, I miss everything about THEM!
I was downstairs the other night with some friends, and kinda looked around, and noticed Levi's scriptures just sitting there,, waiting for him. (I haven't held it together well since then!) I started looking through his hospital pics of when he was born, and his baby album,, I didn't take nearly enough pictures. I thought I took too many.
There isn't enough pics of Todd and I together either. only 12 years worth. Looks more like 3 years worth to me. My heart hurts today... aches really. feels empty,, broken, incomplete. I am surrounded by friends and people that love me, all day, every day, but the nights are always the same. The house is always empty, well I have my dog, but she stinks! haha, and she never asks me how my day was. :-)
I have so many pictures that need to be hung downstairs and in our master bedroom, but there they sit,, on my coffee table,, collecting dust.. sometimes I think,, why bother, I don't wont be going downstairs,,, or all I look at in our bedroom in the tv anyway. Maybe I'll just put them in a box, so at least my living room looks less cluttered.
Guess I will just keep going to bed every night and pleading for dreamless sleeps, (everytime I take anything to help me sleep I have very vivid dreams, so it's either, dont sleep, or dream dreams you don't want to dream), get up every morning, greet each day with a smile, and know that my Father has this,, and I will see them again,, soon,,,,,
this helps,,,
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng#watch=video
love love love
my comment to Jakey goes double to you:
ReplyDelete" they're still with you buddy. they always will be. God doesnt "need" them more than you. But God DOES want to see how you will handle this trial. Strong people are given HARD things. They were 2 men who were too good for this earth and for what this earth is becoming. But they are standing behind you EVERY moment of EVERY day, cheering you on, saving you a place and loving you without end. "
I love love love you ♥