Don't judge me because I grieve differently than you....

This is something I just can't wrap my head around.  In fact I have texted a dear friend of my family's and asked "why are the expectations of widows and widowers set so freaking high??, why do I have to be a bawling mess to be grieving?"  I seriously don't get it, and honestly I'm kinda tired of people coming up to me with a look of pity in their eyes, and saying "I'm so sorry". 

Make no mistake, I cry,,, I cry every single day, sometimes just a single tear slips out before I realize it has escaped, other times I bawl like a baby,, hugging whatever I can find that still has their scent on it.  I cry.  My heart is missing a major piece, in fact, what's left is kinda small,, almost non existent, even.  

What good would it do for me to be the bawling wreck every single day?  For starters, if my husband could, he'd slap me silly, tell me to suck it up and move on,, how do I know this,,, we talked about his death many times.  He'd tell me to get over it. Ok probably not that harsh, but he would focus on the memories and good time we shared instead of focusing on the fact that he's gone.  Levi,,, well that little ray of spunk, would bring me a dumdum and say "looks like someone needs some happiness!" , laugh his honest to goodness belly laugh, hug me, and walk away.  Yes, I have a dumdum in my purse,, I have one with me at all times,, it is my happiness.  Silly?  I really don't care,, it makes me smile.

I miss my husband and son every single moment of every single day.  I hate walking through a store and not having a hand to hold mine, I miss everything, I miss doing things with them like getting groceries, while they are fooling around in another isle, I miss heir smiles, I miss his kisses on my lips, and Levi's kisses on my forehead, I miss feeling Levi's arms wrap around me and hearing him giggle with glee over the fact that his fingers could touch, I miss hearing them both tell me they love me.  I MISS MY OLD LIFE!!! 

I went to the cemetery today, sat on the ground and bawled,,, I chatted with my men, I told them they sucked for leaving me,,,I asked why did they both have to go,, I felt their love.  I let the tears fall, I let them go.  

And I got in my car and went to get some groceries.  And it sucked, walking through the grocery store to get food for one.  I swear I heard Todd whisper, hey,, you can buy this,, this,,, and this now,, you're buying for one now baby,, enjoy it.  My bill,,,, $25. Haha *ya gotta look at the positive* that was kinda awesome.   As I walked out of the store, (who are we fooling, it was smiths of ourse,, the one I work at), a co worker was there and we almost ran into each other,, this co worker has experienced a similar loss recently and is struggling as well,, he looks at me, pulls me in for a hug and just says "I can tell you're having a moment".  We chat for a few and I head to the car.  It's nice to find someone who is experiencing something of the same at the same time,, he gets that's I can't cry every day all day,, he gets that seeing a pack of candy hearts can push me over the edge,, and it's ok.  (Just a co worker, do not read more into this than what I've written!!!!!)

We all mourn and grieve our own way,, and I get that "im so sorry" is the knee jerk thing to say when you see me, I really do get it.  How about instead of that though, you give me a hug,, ask how I'm doing,, and wait for the answer,,realizing that that is a loaded question at the moment,,  or just smile,, sometimes that is enough. (Oh please hug me, as if I am ever ok with just a smile, unless you don't wanna hug, then a smile will do) 

Life is meant to be lived, and I would miss so much if I stayed home crying all day.  It's apparent I have work to do here, otherwise I'd be with my men,, so let me be me.  I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store for me, I'm scared to be home at night, I love life, I hate being alone, I long to have a cuddle buddy, I love having the bed to myself, I'm just at the beginning of all this, and I'll figure it out as I go😉.  So don't be offended if you invite me out and I decline,, it could be a really sad moment for me,  don't wonder how I'm doing,, ask,, and know sometimes you just don't need to say anything at all, just sit beside me and let me know you're there, and other times, I'll be laughing and pointing out all the hotties in Utah!!, so laugh and help me find them,, it's really rather fun!!