The Carribean, Superbowl and oldest boy turning 20

My wonderful inlaws booked a cruise for their kids and spouses for this Christmas, last march.  No one was more excited then my husband,, he couldn't wait,,, he was saving his change, looking at different excursions to do, talking non stop about it.  January 25 came and I boarded the ship with his family, without him.  My anxiety was tangible.  At times I seriously thought it would swallow me whole, and if not for my sweet brother in law, it may have done just that.  Scott didn't leave my side the entire cruise!  I am sure we started rumors within the family, lol. It was sure nice... I almost felt whole again.

Day one we were at Sea, and Scott and I wandered the ship, enjoyed the ocean, the swaying of the ship,, and the sun,, oh that glorious sun!  and visited with everyone else!  On Tuesday we were supposed to dock in Grand Cayman, but the port officials closed the port due to high swells, 6-7 ft high,, and the tender boats couldn't get us safely to land.  That kinda sucked as we were all scheduled and paid to swim with the dolphins and sting rays,, yep I cried a little, but was a little relieved I didn't have to so that without Todd.  It was something we both looked forward to doing together.

So we got to spend an extra day at sea,, we hit Jamaica on Wednesday, Scott, Jen, Coleen, Matt, Gardner and I went ziplining through the forest,, AMAZING experience, I would do it again in a second!!!  Then Gardner, Jen, and Coleen climbed Dunns River Falls, while Scott, Matt and I enjoyed the beach. OH EMMM GEEEE  that water was soo clear, so gorgeous! 

I wandered up and down the beach, let the tears fall and just soaked it all in,, and felt todd walking right next to me.  Scott always seemed to know when I needed him right beside me and when I needed a minute alone, he was usually always within eye shot though.  *I adore him*

Thursday we hit Haiti, and enjoyed some local shopping, and laughed at the vendors who attemped to lure us in and lie to us about what they had made!  One lady pretended she couldn't speak english until I pointed out to Scott that she had cut the tag off a swimming wrap she was trying to sell me, and suddenly she says "oh I put a tag on that said made in haiti and was told I couldn't have that on there"  *the exact same wrap can be found at walmart people!*  

Friday we were at sea again on our way home.  The entire week was amazing and I am so grateful I got to spend some much needed time with our family and build memories! It was an experience of a lifetime!!

We got home last night, late,, and I am not even sure what time I passed out, got up this morning and went to stake conference,, and was feeling incrediblly happy and at peace, although I was missing Jake today,, he turned 20 today dang it!  who said he could do that! SERIOUSLY!

It's superbowl today too,,, and usually we have a party here at our house, tons of food,, friends, and birthday cake when needed... this year, I went to my friends house instead.  and lasted until half time. 

I did great until I put on the pre game show,,  

Right now,, at this moment,, I want to curl up into a ball and cry in the arms of someone who doesnt feel the need to say anything,, someone that can just hold me, let me cry,, and feel safe doing so.  I long to fall asleep knowing I am being watched and protected here in this world again.  I feel like I am living ground hog day over and over again  *I have great days with sad moments,, this is a sad moment that just wants to last a little longer I guess*

This isnt a dream,, it's not even my worst nightmare, this is my reality,, I hate it.  I see things everywhere that remind me of what I have waiting for me and I want them back now,, I dont want to keep doing this over and over....  I drive by the accident site every single day, there's no way around it, when it's right outside your front door.  I miss my kids,, I miss our kids!  I long to talk to their Dad about our 2nd child's wedding coming up in May.  I long to have him by my side as we get things together for her.  I long for him. I long for my baby.  I long for a knock on my door telling me it is all a mistake and they're ok.. I long to hold my husbands hand as the carribean sea kisses our toes.  I long to hear Levi being obnoxious.  I long for people to not feel like they're walking on eggshells around me, or worried they are offending me with every day things! I long for people to love me, but not worry about me,,, like the good old days,,,  I long to turn back time,, I long for my life back!!!

I start work tomorrow,,, I hope I can make it through the day.