I worked today,, I hate working Sundays,, really really hate it,, I need the sacrament every week. I need to feel the Savior beside me as I plunge head first into yet another week, I need that reassurance that I am NOT ALONE. In my heart I know this,, but sometimes that hole just fills up with pain and sorrow and I forget. Anyways, I digress... I worked today, and had to do the scan audit, which is where we scan all the holes on the shelves before the rush comes in the afternoon so we have time to stock our shelves for our customers..., Usually I am ok doing this,, most times I am,, but not today,, I did great until I see something I need to get for his birthday, which is saturday, chips,, Potato chips,, UGH I hate the little things that put that horrid anxiety in my stomach. OF ALL THE THINGS, POTATO CHIPS,,,, REALLY? Then I get to the lego isle and that pit in my stomach grows,,, and the nausea sets in, *getting kinda sick of that too FYI!* All I see is what I no longer get the chance to buy,,, never get the chance to watch him build and get excited when he's telling me about all the awesome things it does. I manage to get out of the lego isle without one tear escaping it's barrier of eyelids and mascara,, and just as I am wrapping up my scan, a man walks by, I smile and greet him,, as he passes me it hits my nose,, todd's cologne,, *que tears* I went up to my store managers office and he took one look at me and told me to grab a chair,, and he let me cry. We talked, about different things, but mostly about losing someone close to us,, or two someones close to us,,, once I got myself together, I went back down to work. *I really do love everyone I work with, they are incredible!!*
That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day. Although, thankfully there were moments that were more easily handled. My friend came over after church and helped me put my treadmill together, and we laughed at the fact that neither one of us could do this with our respective spouses without getting angry. Then we, well he, bbqed some steak and chicken for dinner and another friend came by with his kids, so my house was blissfully noisy.
I am so grateful for the little things,, for the friends that text me saying they missed me this morning coming over in the am,, just because... for the friends who have an inkling as to what I am going through and just let me be sad,, and make me laugh,, for my brother who sent me flowers because he loves me,, the timing couldn't be better, for my assistant store manager who delivered the flowers to my house and stayed for a visit, for my store manager who just knows, for the hugs, the messages of kindness on facebook, for a bishop who, in the middle of his busy schedule, continues to check on me and make sure I'm,, well I'm ok, for my home teacher and his incredible family who just love me,, for my family next door, who hug me every single day, who include me in activities they don't have to, mostly for sharing with me that as parents they have taken a step back and seen what matters, what doesn't and how quickly it can all be taken from someone, and appreciated their kids more., for the friend who calls me every morning and every evening to wish me a good morning and see how my day went.
Some times I wish I could go back to my rebellious days, and drink this pain away, and not care about the consequences, Something I never though I would want to do again. Maybe this is the reason we moved to Utah,, haha. I joked about vodka since the night of the accident,, I actually voiced today to a friend that it is a very conscious decision I make every morning to just get through the day without it. *no I am not an alcoholic, I would be if I drank though so I don't drink!* It would be so easy to just drink until I didn't feel this pain, this depression, this anxiety any more. My friend agreed it would numb the pain... and didn't judge me for saying what I said. I will never do it,, Todd would kill me,, haha, but seriously, it's something that I wouldn't do, I want to,, but I want to see my husband again, and have him greet me with open arms, and not an iron fist! I want him to be roud of the way I am "dealing" with all this,, I want to be worthy of him and his love for me,, and our eternal blessings we have been promised.
I think I have rambled enough tonight... It's going to be a really long week...
hug your kids a little harder, kiss your spouse a little longer, and pray for peace..
love love love
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