Yet another milestone....

Today marks 3 months.  Off and on all day I was going between thinking I can't believe I have done this for 3 entire months,, and I can't believe it's only been 3 stinking months.  I was doing great at work today,, all day,,, right up until I went to buy flowers to put on my baby's headstone tomorrow for his birthday.  No Mum should ever have to buy her 12 yr old son flowers for his birthday.  I would go broker than broke if I could've bought him legos instead. 

My house is full today.  Most of my kids are here to help celebrate Levi's 12th birthday tomorrow. (Elder Johnson is still serving the Lord in Georgia!), I have missed the noise.  I have gotten used to the silence.  It's really confusing how to deal with all these emotions especially when they can change in a single second,, a millasecond actually.  All it took the other day was a stranger,, male, walking through Smith's and I caught a whiff of his cologne,, I swear it was the same cologne Todd would wear. It's weird the things that can trigger your emotions.  I love having most of my kids in our home.  I wish they lived closer.  It's hard to sit here with them and feel the obvious emptiness that is in the room, however, it is comforting to sit back and listen as they share their memories of their Dad and Levi. 

We are going to Levi's favorite restaurant tomorrow, Red Robin,,, I am so grateful for all of our friends that will be there to help me get through the day.  I am dreading it, I am excited to see everyone, I am scared.  I am so scared that people will forget that spitfire son of mine. This weekend basically sucks in general.  This is the Sunday he would've been ordained a deacon in the Aaronic Priesthood, this is the Sunday that his Dad would've ordained him. 

My heart hurts.  My heart physically aches....

My heart is at peace. 

I have a very close friend who recently gave birth to her 5th baby.  I was so excited for her when I found out she was expecting a girl again!!!! (3 boys and 1 girl)  We became friends through our children,, she had a Levi,, who looked just like my Levi did when he was born!!..  Her beautiful baby girl lived for 44 minutes.  Just long enough to be held by the mother who carried her, be given a name a blessing by her father and physically meet every one of her siblings.  When I got the news, I physically felt the hole in my heart grow just a little bit bigger.  No mother should ever have to bury her children.  On a happier note, we are now brought even closer, in my heart at least, because we were both trusted by our Father in Heaven to bring two of his choicest spirits into this world, and provide them with what they needed to finish their missions on earth.  I like to think that Levi was at the gates to greet his friend who had left him only moments before to gain her earthly body.. It makes me laugh to think that he is giving her a hard time because she only had to be here for 44 minutes, he had to be here 11 years!, it gives me great comfort to think that he took her hand and hugged her tight as she watched from above as her Mom, Dad and siblings cried over losing her much too soon.  My heart hurts for my friend.  I pray she finds comfort and peace in the atonement.  I pray this experience brings them closer together as a family.  I pray for the hurting to stop, for them, for me, for all of those who have experienced such a loss. 

Mostly I pray for happiness