Where do I start.........A year in review,,, nah, it's all already on here... how about the last couple weeks in review...
Our oldest daughter, Todd's sisters, and Mom all held an auction on Facebook to raise money to help us with our medical bills and living expenses until disability kicks in. This has been, indeed, a very humbling experience. My husband is a proud man, who loved being able to give his family whatever they needed or asked for for that matter, and these last couple years have been a huge struggle for him to go from bread winner to,,, watching his wife go out a bust her butt for pennies compared to what he was making. It has been amazing to watch people we don't know, who don't know us, donate items for this auction, bid on items donated and OH, the humanity of it all. (is that the right term?? probably not,, I'm tired!) It has brought me to tears on many occasions, and truly humbled us.
Our oldest son is leaving for an LDS mission for 2 years, on December 18th for Georgia Macon. This is a huge opportunity for him. This was his decision, We have told him for years that although this is something we hope he will do, it had to be his decision and we were ok if he didn't want to go. When he decided to go, which honestly has just been in the last 8 months,, we were thrilled. Then reality hit me,, my baby boy would be gone,,, serving his Heavenly Father for 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days!!!!!! AUCK! seriously? I'm not sure I can go that long with no hugs, no him sneaking into my room and jumping on the love sac to join me in watching a movie, randomly hugging me,,, because he can see I need it,... no "love you mom" at the end of every night...(great now I'm crying AGAIN!!!!!! grrr) I'm being selfish. I don't want to share my kids with anyone. I want them to stay safe in my mommy bubble forever. (Meanwhile Todd is thinking, "go my son, conquer Georgia, grow, learn, come back a man, blah blah, blah) They can get married and have my grand babies, but they have to stay in my mommy bubble. I'm scared to send him out there. On the other hand, this is a huge leap of Faith for me. I trust that my Heavenly Father will watch over and protect Jacob. I know he is going to rock Macon Georgia! And make so many new friends!!! He will grow so much. This is where he needs to be at this point in
Work has been crazy because, well,, it's fourth quarter! enough said?? I go into work anytime between 2 am -6 am and work 8-10 hour shifts. Yea I know, it's the norm for some of you,,, in fact some of you work longer shifts, and I really am blessed to have a job that I absolutely love!
I'm just exhausted, and stressed. This is a new position for me, remember I was a stay at home mom for 15 years, (YIKES has it been that long??), I feel like every time I take a step forward I get pushed back two. I am having to learn tact, it's a trait I seemed to have missed out on, to tone down my sarcasm, way harder than it sounds, and to be a leader. Kinda overwhelming for a person who's biggest battle for 15 years was getting the kids to do the dishes,, can't spank employees,, they kinda frown on that,, GO FIGURE! And then come home and leave work stresses in the car or better yet at work, and put on my parent/wife hat when I walk through the door, when all I want to do is crawl into bed.
Christmas... it's leaner this year than in years past. We have talked to our kids about it, and bless their hearts, they get it, they understand. At least they say they do. Doesn't stop a mom from feeling guilty about not wanting to give her babies the best Christmas ever though,, so this year we have made hygiene bags and collected blankets and a few toys and are taking them to a local family shelter this Saturday for Christmas. When we talked to the kids and asked them if we could do this instead of struggling to spend money we don't really have, on ridiculous items we don't really need, they all said "YES!" My heart overflowed! They will still have one present under the tree from us, and from each other,, stockings will be slimmed down quite a bit (I can easily spend $100 on EACH stocking, a very sore spot with my husband as he doesn't seem to grasp how much I LOVE STOCKINGS!), and there will be nothing under the tree that isn't needed or useful. And we are all ok with that.. We have received so many blessings this past year that Todd and I felt it was important to give back and to teach the kids, (the youngest ones mainly, the older ones get it) that doing service for others is the greatest gift out there.
Now onto the title of my post... are any of you still out there reading this? Sigh
Todd had a dr's appt about a month ago and was told his kidneys were on their final lap. I don't remember numbers and where his levels were, I wasn't able to go up with him to his appt's that day.
The dr's told him no more 90 days between visits, they wanted to see him every 4 - 6 weeks. Ok no problem. We went up yesterday, well he went up the night before because he had to get a bunch of lab work done, and I went up yesterday right after work (just so you understand why this post is such a jumbled mess, I was up from 9 pm Monday until 8 pm tuesday, and got up at 11 pm tuesday to go to work wednesday morning, thus the lack of brain function!)
I made it in time to go to two of the three appt's with him. Dr Leon, who is our kidney specialist walks in and says basically, ok this is it,, the next time I see you, we will need to figure out what kind of dialysis you want,, Todd's creatin levels are at a 3.36 with a gfr of 21. GFR is some medical term that gives them the percentage at which your kidney's are functioning, (thank goodness for the notebook app so I could take notes during this visit), When your kidneys are function at 20% you are eligible to be on the transplant list, NOT 1% before you hit 20. At 15% with symptoms of loss of appetite, tiredness, constant itchiness and others I'm sure the PA mentioned, you go on dialysis. He is still loosing alot of protein in his urine, and his potassium levels are high.
We knew this was coming.. and honestly, through the Grace of our Lord, we have made it further than we thought we would. We were expecting to be on dialysis NOW, as were our dr's. So, Dr. Leon told us there are two kinds of dialysis, one you do at home, every day, at night for 7 hours while you are sleeping, and one you do 3 times a week at a dialysis center. He thinks we are perfect candidates for the at home dialysis, and I sure hope he is right. Not that I've ever had to do either one, but the at home one sounds easier to me. With the exception of the threat of pulling out your port in your sleep and bleeding out.. (thanks bestie with all the medical knowledge for that little tidbit!)
We go back on the 21 of January for more lab work and to get on the transplant list, make an appt to meet with the transplant team and get that ball rolling. Dr Leon said obviously he would prefer a live donor, and if we can find one then we may be able to skip dialysis all together. When I asked him what the criteria was for a match, he said we would get all that info when we meet with the transplant board. Both dr's are very happy with where Todd is at. He is doing everything he himself can do to ensure he is not damaging anything any further.
I, on the other hand, just want my healthy, easy going, laid back, non tired husband back. I try not to dwell on it, to think about it or over think it. I try to hide my stress from our boys and Todd, the last thing he needs is to stress about me stressing about him.
I sit here and think, how on earth can I do this on my own?? Jake has been my 2nd hand man, his dad's chauffeur, my errand runner, his dad's company during the day, and evenings. I listen to my scriptures on my way to work every morning and that really helps me get through the day without needing bail money,, no seriously. I am scared to ask for this burden to be lifted from our family..Heaven only knows what's around the corner for pete's sake! I know there is something we need to learn or teach someone from all this. I wish I knew what it was. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle,, I firmly believe that. Some times I just wish I felt as strong as the Lord seems to think we are.
and for those of you who missed it, or want to listen to it,, here is the link for his farewell talk he gave this last sunday in church:
We hope you all have a happy and joyous Christmas season, and may the true meaning of Christmas linger in your hearts and homes the coming year!
Love The Johnson Clan!
