SIGH!,,, Heaven on Earth...

This post was started a few days ago,,,

some days it is all I can do to even open my eyes in the morning... never mind function as a human being, and not zombie like!  Lately they've all been hard.  I get up, go to work, go over to Tom's for a bit,, when his schedule allows, then come home, shower, and go to bed.  Zombiestance,, seriously how I feel most days lately, going through the motions of "living".  But today,, the void in my heart was tangible.  I have been on the brink of tears for the last few weeks, and some days I let them fall and other days,, I fake it....  today I faked it... kept it hidden.  I am working on not letting them out at work... only because I am so freaking tired of crying!!  HONESTLY,,,, how is it I can run out of willpower yet seem to have an endless supply of tears???   I would rather run out of tears,, just saying'!

Fast forward to today.

I am headed to spend the afternoon with these two angels and their siblings as soon as they get home from school. My chaos. My happy place. 

On my way, I did something I have not done is almost two years.. I stopped by the accident site.. I put my hazards on, and just sat there.  The weather was pretty much the same as it was the last time I came down to the site.,,, snow trying to melt and fighting to stay. I didn't stay long, just long enough to remember, to try to envision the events that unfolded,, to wonder what their last thoughts were.. did they think of me,, of his children,, of his siblings... did they....  no I can't go there again,, I feel like I am taking 10 steps backwards...

I put my car in drive, turn the hazards off and my signal on, and get back on the road and head to my inseparable sister's house.  I walk in and am greeted by Gramma, (sista had an appointment and hubby went with her), and the absolute cutest smile ever, this little girl just grinned from ear to ear!  Man I love this girl so much!!  Donny,, bless his heart, looks at me and says "Hi Wonna!!! You here!" and gives me a big hug!  I sit and Gramma and I talk a bit about how awesome her daughter is and how much of a strength the entire family is to me... as Gramma is getting ready to leave, I pick up my angel girl and smooch on her cheek... keep in mind this is a 1 yr old as I tell you this part,,,   I pulled her into me for a quick hug and this little one snuggled right in!  Not a "I'm tired so I am gonna lay my head down" but more a "I gotchu Auntie,, you had a rough day?  here's an angel hug!"  She rested her chin on my shoulder and pulled her arms around my neck.   How did she know,,, she never will understand, how very much she has helped my heart heal... for about 20 of the 30 seconds she stayed there and held me, I felt the arms of my angel boy around my neck.  It was a feeling I was starting to forget.  I felt him latch his fingers behind my neck, I felt his breathe on my shoulder and his shaggy hair tickle my cheek.  And I felt him let go, and at that moment that precious angel girl lifted up her head, looked at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, and put her head back on my shoulder.  OH MY HEART!!!  It's a huge thing to put on such a little girl, but that sweet baby was sent here at this time for a reason,, and forgive me for being selfish, *I know she has helped others heal* ,, she is my angel girl.  She has such an amazing power to heal and just make all that is wrong in "my world" right.   I am so eternally grateful for the way things happened that cold December night.  I am forever thankful that, and this is hard for me to say because I would NOT wish this on anyone, my inseparable sister, and my bigger, younger brother were the ones that were right there that night,, that were with my husband and my baby boy the last few seconds of their lives,, that they knew who they were,,, that it wasn't a stranger that tried to help my boys... that it wasn't a stranger that said their names... If they didn't die immediately, that it wasn't a strangers voice they heard... that is what gives me comfort.
It wasn't someone I would never see again, it was someones, that would become my rock, my safe place, my hug, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my healing spot, my chaos, my family.

They have hugged me and shed tears with me when I cry, laughed with me over memories, shared parts of their lives with me, they really never had to,, at all.   They share in my joy, encourage me, and love me without judging me *at least they don't judge me to my face hahaha* I can not express enough how very much I love this family.  No matter how I feel when I walk in,, I always, ALWAYS walk out the front door with a smile on my face and my heart more than full... and that just feels good.

He wasn't just a dog....

Saying goodbye is never easy.


This last week was hard for the Herridge family.  On Halloween they lost a family member to cancer,,, cancer sucks.  I can't believe in this day and age that we can carry a computer in our back pocket and have constant access to EVERYTHING, but we are still losing loved ones to cancer.  We went to the funeral on Saturday, the 5th.  I got to know an incredible woman that I never had the opportunity to meet.  Although I never met her, I felt the loss her family felt.

CANCER SUCKS... that is all.

 I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to furbabies.  I have had to bury 3 dogs,, muffy,sephie,, and Bruce... heart wrenching.. the first two had strokes and had to be put to sleep, Bruce died of a broken heart when she lost her two boys.  Yea I bawled!

 Tom was given a puppy by his boys last year, for father's day, I believe,,, a cute little black lab.  Toby is his name... and he is the reason I was able to give Boston and Bentley to the Jacob family.  I miss them horribly, HOWEVER, whenever I needed a dog fix I would head on down to Tom's and be greeted by the most loveable, bouncy, excited puppy to ever grace the earth.  When I first met him he was a little leary of allowing me to be one of his People,, but within about three months, whenever Tom and I would pull up together, Toby would jump back and forth between us, trying to make sure we each knew he loved us.... he also had no qualms with letting me know Tom was his.,.. no if's, ands or buts.  He also had no qualms letting his Dad know, he would protect me,, one time Tom and I were bantering in the kitchen and things got loud,,, not angry loud, just loud, and Toby came and stood right in front of me and just looked at his Dad.., we busted up laughing so hard.

Whenever I was at his house and Tom was at work, Toby would follow me around, lay at my feet while I was cooking, or lay next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, the second he heard Tom pull in the driveway, he would jump up and onto the couch in the living room, barking and whining in greeting while glancing back at me, at times running up to me as if to say "HE'S HOME!! HE'S HOME!! OPEN THE DOOR!!" then he would spend about 5 minutes minimum jumping up on Tom, and trying desperately to pull him down to his level.

To give you an idea of how incredible this pup was,,, when I got the email about Utah Lion's Eye Bank, I went to Tom's to open the email and read it, I knew the tears would fall.  I was sitting at Tom's kitchen table.. sure enough the tears fell as I read the pamphlet,  I just sat there, letting them fall as I do, and the next thing I know Toby has his big paws up around my neck, and he is desperately licking the tears off my cheeks, he would hop down,, walk over to Tom, bump into him slightly, look up at Tom with his sad brown eyes, and come back to me.  That pup was so sad that I was sad,, almost to the point of distress... Tom and I looked at each other in shock, Toby had never before acted like that... mind you he lived in a testosterone filled home, so the opportunity to comfort is rare!!  HAHAHA

This dog was special,, he was a gentle giant.. he loved his people.

He was hit by a car on Friday, and died.

He was not "just a dog" he was part of their family,, he was part of my family...  the house is eerie quiet now,, we all miss the clicking of his toe nails on the hard wood floor,, every one of us miss hearing him paw desperately at the living room window when we pull up into the driveway..  We miss him laying at our feet as we work in the kitchen,, or draping himself over our necks on the couch,, bringing me a stick as I am leaving the house, so we can play fetch...

He is so much more than just a dog.  This fur-baby is forever in our hearts.  And he is missed daily.

I could only think of one thing and was a little apprehensive to tell Tom, because, well in all reality, this isn't my dog,, as much as I love him, he wasn't mine... and I in no way, wanted to "take away" from their loss... however, this brought the biggest smile to Tom's face when I softly said,,

"want to know what I am hoping and finding comfort in babe?...  that he is up there playing with Levi, Levi always wanted a big dog"

Tom looked at me, smiled, and said "That would be awesome!"

So Levi,, look after Toby,, Toby,, look after Levi, play fetch, kiss him right on the face,, jump on him,, Love him for me,, *and while you are at it,, irritate Todd,, as his allergies are no longer a problem!!!*, Take care of each other....  it's comforting to know

All Dogs Go To Heaven.

<3