Change of Focus

It's funny how your perspective changes with the events that happen in your life.  Christmas used to be about the kids... getting the perfect present for each one of them, finding just the exact right gift for my sweetheart.  Easter, used to be about filling their baskets to the brim with Chocolate, and reminders of the love of our Savior. I used to go nuts buying chocolate for Easter, this year... not so much.  This year, I see reminders of my Savior every where I look.  I see it in the tulips and daffodils that are struggling through the hard Utah soil to push through, and then grow in leaps and bounds in a matter of weeks, bloom,,, and die,,,, only to wait until next spring to do the same thing all over again.  Such a short life span these delicate flowers have.  Maybe 6 weeks... if you remember to water them.  The blossoms don't even last that long I dont think. 

Kind of like our lives here on earth no?  We struggle to get through our lives here, to be the best we we can be.  And we BLOOM!  We rock it, we live our lives to the fullest..  and then we die.  How sad that would be if that were the end.  If there was nothing else but blackness and "soil" if it were.  Thanks to the loving sacrifice of our Lord and Savior, we have the opportunity to be with our loved ones again.  We have the chance to live forever, to be married to our eternal companions for ETERNITY!  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING IT IS TO HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE!

To know I get to see my son and my husband and all those that have gone before me, because Jesus Christ was willing to take on all of my sins, your sins, and everyone else's sins, and did die on the cross at Calvary for you,, for me,, for all of us!  To know I get to have the opportunity to raise my son and watch him grow into the man I know he already is.  What a joyous day that will be when I get to feel not only my Father in Heaven's arms wrap around me again, but those of Todd and Levi., of my Grandfather, my older brother, my Grammas. 

When I have rough days, *like last night* and my heart literally wants to leap out of my chest and onto the floor and beat it's last beat, I am comforted by the thought of what Heavenly Father endured, watching HIS Only Begotten Son, endure all He did, for all His brothers and Sisters to be able to return to our Lord's presence one day.  Did Jesus know the pain he would endure?  Did Father know the heartache He would feel when He heard His Son cry out "Father, why hast thou forsaken me?"  Did He weep at the sight of His children taunting His Only Begotten?  Did THEY know?  Christ stepped up, He stepped forward and said "send Me!" 

Did we know what pain we would endure in this life?  I know Todd and Levi are watching me, and I know their hearts break every time they see me cry for my loss.  How do I know??  I saw it with my own eyes, I watched my husband's heart break every time we got hurt as parents, every time I wept, he wept with me.  He wept for me.  He heart broke that he couldn't take that pain from me, and just deal with it himself.  That is how I know.

I know our Savior and our Father in Heaven knew exactly what THEY would experience, the pain they each would feel.  They both agreed to it.  They knew the end result is worth all the pain in the world, which is what, I believe THEY EACH EXPERIENCED.  They both wanted each of us to return to be with THEM in the end.  That is the end goal,, that is the eternal blessing we each want.

I miss them.  EVERY. SINGLE.DAY.    The tears are fewer, and further between, the memories are happier, the hole in my heart is there, it hasn't gone away, I am still learning to live with it in it's place, I don't expect it will ever leave, nor do I want it to, but I am looking forward,,, 2 months ago, I was at 20% ok.... today,, I'm about 45%, I want to be 98% whole again.  That 2% is the hole that will never leave. That 2% is what will get me through this life and it will get me to the 98%. 

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/as-now-we-take-the-sacrament?lang=eng

Triggers..

It is weird what can suddenly change your great mood, to an ok mood, to a downer day.  And it really sucks.

Tums,,, SIGH!  Seriously, antacid can put me in tears.  My girlfriend came over last week and helped me pack up my little man's room, and the things I found... a book of his writing, little things I had forgotten all about and I figured he had as well... but he had them tucked away.  His brother Jacob's first ctr ring he got when he was baptised,, Jake gave it to Levi when Levi got baptised.  I was supposed to put it in Levi's casket with him and I couldn't find it.... now it's on my pinkie.  As I closed his door, I found the bottle of tums I bought him, he figured it was a good source of calcium, and besides,,,, "Dad takes them all day long, 2 a day won't hurt me Mum,, it'll help my bones!" So I got him his own bottle, and somehow it ended up behind his door.  As I held that bottle in my hands, so many thoughts came rushing to my head.....  do I throw it out,, do I keep them and use them,,, these were his,, his little fingers were in this very bottle picking out his favorite flavors... how can I toss them away, or eat them like they mean nothing.  I open a tote and toss the bottle inside, close the closet door, lock the bedroom door and walk back upstairs,, the hole in my heart isn't closing any time soon.

I am helping a very close friend of mine pack up his house, He's moving to the Lehi area.  Good for him,, sad for me!  *I'm kinda selfish that way!!!*  His wife passed away 3 years ago next month.  And he is simply incredible.  The big brother who's a year younger than me.  :-) If I'm not careful and I read this he will need to find an even bigger house for his ego! lol

I offered to help him pack up some of his house as my schedule is less demanding then his,, and as I was going through his memories the tears started flowing, thinking of all the things his wife, and my husband and son will miss.  And all I can think is Damn them all for leaving us here, to deal with this, to be parents alone, watch our respective kids grow and struggle alone, to have to date again,, seriously you three angels,, ya suck!!!!,   We joke that we have a list,, a poop list,, and they are on both of ours!   thank heavens, either we are both crazy for the things we hang onto, or we are completely normal,,,  I am gonna go with 'we are both a new normal!' 

Part of me wishes I had hung onto some of Todd's things, his medications, the dialysis machine, etc etc, but why?  I would just have to throw it out!!!!  However, there is still a pile of his clothes sitting on his computer chair waiting for him to put them away.... *how has it only been three months,, it feels like an eternity*  I am not sure how long they will sit there, I guess eventually I will move them myself to the top of the closet,, I just don't know. 

The tums will stay in that tote, along with all my baby's other treasures I could bear to pack away until I am ready to go through them.. no sooner, no later. 

Sometimes I feel so weak, other times I can conquer the world.... Going through memories sucks,, whether they are mine or someone elses,...they suck! 

It's been a hard day....

It's been a fantabulous day!!!  I wouldn't have done it any other way!  I woke up crying, remembering years past and how I would wake him up by jumping on his bed singing "Happy birthday to YOUUUUUUU!" and him pulling the covers over his head and trying to kick me out of his room!  *oh the fun times we had!*, I knew I would need help getting through today so I put out an APB to my awesome home teacher and he came down and gave me a much needed priesthood blessing.  *OH I LOVE TO PARTAKE IN THE LAYING ON OF HANDS!*

We went to the graves today, and for the first time, I brought flowers,, and a batman balloon that said happy birthday, for my baby.  My inlaws were there waiting, along with two of my sisters in law and their families.  I cried,,, I cried because I only was able to buy him flowers and a balloon for his birthday, I cried because I selfishly wanted him at home, in bed, with the covers pulled up, I cried because tomorrow he was supposed to be ordained a Deacon, I cried. 

We came home and got ready to head to Red Robin for the celebratory feast that was about to ensue... 75 people were there, 75 PEOPLE!  And each one of them are like family to me.  Every single one of them have touched my life in one good way or another.  I just kind of stood back and looked at that awesome room overflowing with love for a boy they hardly knew, and his grieving Mum.  There was so much happiness, so much love, so much friendship,, so much.....  the list goes on and on.  I am in awe of it all!  *watch for pictures to come shortly!*

The staff was simply a-freaking-mazing!!!   The manager told me she was having anxiety all day over making sure everything was perfect, she kept asking me if I was happy, if there was anything she needed to get fixed,, I don't think one order was mixed up!!!!   They brought us appetizers and everyone was asking if I had ordered them,, NO I DID NOT, those were on the house!!  As we left, Natalie, the manager told me that if we wanted to do it every year to please do so, she loved having us and would love to do it again for Levi. 

Now I am home,, with Kenzie, Jeff and my Mum..  my heart is happy, my eyes are smiling,, and I am at peace still.

A friend told me today that he has realized we are never alone,, and he is right, even when we are all alone, we are never alone, those that have gone before us are always with us,

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers...


Thank you to everyone who made a hard tearful day, an amazing day of memories and love!!!!

Yet another milestone....

Today marks 3 months.  Off and on all day I was going between thinking I can't believe I have done this for 3 entire months,, and I can't believe it's only been 3 stinking months.  I was doing great at work today,, all day,,, right up until I went to buy flowers to put on my baby's headstone tomorrow for his birthday.  No Mum should ever have to buy her 12 yr old son flowers for his birthday.  I would go broker than broke if I could've bought him legos instead. 

My house is full today.  Most of my kids are here to help celebrate Levi's 12th birthday tomorrow. (Elder Johnson is still serving the Lord in Georgia!), I have missed the noise.  I have gotten used to the silence.  It's really confusing how to deal with all these emotions especially when they can change in a single second,, a millasecond actually.  All it took the other day was a stranger,, male, walking through Smith's and I caught a whiff of his cologne,, I swear it was the same cologne Todd would wear. It's weird the things that can trigger your emotions.  I love having most of my kids in our home.  I wish they lived closer.  It's hard to sit here with them and feel the obvious emptiness that is in the room, however, it is comforting to sit back and listen as they share their memories of their Dad and Levi. 

We are going to Levi's favorite restaurant tomorrow, Red Robin,,, I am so grateful for all of our friends that will be there to help me get through the day.  I am dreading it, I am excited to see everyone, I am scared.  I am so scared that people will forget that spitfire son of mine. This weekend basically sucks in general.  This is the Sunday he would've been ordained a deacon in the Aaronic Priesthood, this is the Sunday that his Dad would've ordained him. 

My heart hurts.  My heart physically aches....

My heart is at peace. 

I have a very close friend who recently gave birth to her 5th baby.  I was so excited for her when I found out she was expecting a girl again!!!! (3 boys and 1 girl)  We became friends through our children,, she had a Levi,, who looked just like my Levi did when he was born!!..  Her beautiful baby girl lived for 44 minutes.  Just long enough to be held by the mother who carried her, be given a name a blessing by her father and physically meet every one of her siblings.  When I got the news, I physically felt the hole in my heart grow just a little bit bigger.  No mother should ever have to bury her children.  On a happier note, we are now brought even closer, in my heart at least, because we were both trusted by our Father in Heaven to bring two of his choicest spirits into this world, and provide them with what they needed to finish their missions on earth.  I like to think that Levi was at the gates to greet his friend who had left him only moments before to gain her earthly body.. It makes me laugh to think that he is giving her a hard time because she only had to be here for 44 minutes, he had to be here 11 years!, it gives me great comfort to think that he took her hand and hugged her tight as she watched from above as her Mom, Dad and siblings cried over losing her much too soon.  My heart hurts for my friend.  I pray she finds comfort and peace in the atonement.  I pray this experience brings them closer together as a family.  I pray for the hurting to stop, for them, for me, for all of those who have experienced such a loss. 

Mostly I pray for happiness

Cologne, Legos and the week of his 12th birthday

I think legos will always make me cry,, even when I am 90 years old.  To me when I see lego's I see my son, content, concentrating on putting those very so small pieces  in the exact right place on his creation.  He would make creations for me, of things he knows I love,, like supernatural,, the tv show.  He used my polymer clay to change the hair color on his lego men, and did the cutest little tribute to Sam, Dean and Casteel,, *watch the show, you'll get it*

I worked today,, I hate working Sundays,, really really hate it,, I need the sacrament every week.  I need to feel the Savior beside me as I plunge head first into yet another week, I need that reassurance that I am NOT ALONE.  In my heart I know this,, but sometimes that hole just fills up with pain and sorrow and I forget.  Anyways, I digress... I worked today, and had to do the scan audit, which is where we scan all the holes on the shelves before the rush comes in the afternoon so we have time to stock our shelves for our customers..., Usually I am ok doing this,, most times I am,, but not today,, I did great until I see something I need to get for his birthday, which is saturday, chips,, Potato chips,, UGH I hate the little things that put that horrid anxiety in my stomach.  OF ALL THE THINGS, POTATO CHIPS,,,, REALLY?  Then I get to the lego isle and that pit in my stomach grows,,, and the nausea sets in, *getting kinda sick of that too FYI!*  All I see is what I no longer get the chance to buy,,, never get the chance to watch him build and get excited when he's telling me about all the awesome things it does.   I manage to get out of the lego isle without one tear escaping it's barrier of eyelids and mascara,, and just as I am wrapping up my scan, a man walks by, I smile and greet him,, as he passes me it hits my nose,, todd's cologne,, *que tears*  I went up to my store managers office and he took one look at me and told me to grab a chair,, and he let me cry.  We talked, about different things, but mostly about losing someone close to us,, or two someones close to us,,, once I got myself together, I went back down to work.  *I really do love everyone I work with, they are incredible!!*

That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.  Although, thankfully there were moments that were more easily handled.  My friend came over after church and helped me put my treadmill together, and we laughed at the fact that neither one of us could do this with our respective spouses without getting angry.  Then we, well he, bbqed some steak and chicken for dinner and another friend came by with his kids, so my house was blissfully noisy.  

I am so grateful for the little things,, for the friends that text me saying they missed me this morning coming over in the am,, just because...  for the friends who have an inkling as to what I am going through and just let me be sad,, and make me laugh,, for my brother who sent me flowers because he loves me,, the timing couldn't be better,  for my assistant store manager who delivered the flowers to my house and stayed for a visit, for my store manager who just knows, for the hugs, the messages of kindness on facebook, for a bishop who, in the middle of his busy schedule, continues to check on me and make sure I'm,, well I'm ok, for my home teacher and his incredible family who just love me,, for my family next door, who hug me every single day, who include me in activities they don't have to, mostly for sharing with me that as parents they have taken a step back and seen what matters, what doesn't and how quickly it can all be taken from someone, and appreciated their kids more., for the friend who calls me every morning and every evening to wish me a good morning and see how my day went. 

Some times I wish I could go back to my rebellious days, and drink this pain away, and not care about the consequences,  Something I never though I would want to do again.  Maybe this is the reason we moved to Utah,, haha.  I joked about vodka since the night of the accident,, I actually voiced today to a friend that it is a very conscious decision I make every morning to just get through the day without it.  *no I am not an alcoholic, I would be if I drank though so I don't drink!*  It would be so easy to just drink until I didn't feel this pain, this depression, this anxiety any more.  My friend agreed it would numb the pain... and didn't judge me for saying what I said.  I will never do it,, Todd would kill me,, haha, but seriously, it's something that I wouldn't do, I want to,, but I want to see my husband again, and have him greet me with open arms, and not an iron fist! I want him to be roud of the way I am "dealing" with all this,, I want to be worthy of him and his love for me,, and our eternal blessings we have been promised.

I think I have rambled enough tonight... It's going to be a really long week...

hug your kids a little harder, kiss your spouse a little longer, and pray for peace..

love love love

Oh what a reunion It must have been...

On Thursday, March 5th.  My toy poodle/Chihuahua mix joined her boys in heaven.  I was angry,, heartbroken,, sad, relieved.... how can you feel all those things at once?  She was with Levi and Todd again,, she loved them so much.  I was third choice.  But what comfort she brought me over the last three months.  I miss seeing her on my bed, while I lay there and watch TV until the wee hours in the morning and sleep finally creeps in.  I truly come home to an empty house now.  Everything for a reason.  *sigh*

Levi's birthday is this Saturday.  Oh I miss him.  I am having a huge number of friends and family join me at his favorite restaurant for his birthday,, Red Robin.  He loved the mac and cheese.  haha
My children will all be here except our missionary, I haven't seen most of them since December.  I miss them too.  It will be so odd to have them all here, and not have their dad and brother here.  I found their Christmas presents in the back of my closet... sigh. 

I'm feeling frustrated today.  Frustrated with all the crap we have to go through in this life.  Stuff we agreed to in the pre-exsistence.  *Did I honestly agree to these trials,,?*, why do we have to go through so much yuck to get to the good stuff? The eternal blessings we are promised?  Then I think of my loving Savior, who went through so much more for each one of us.  The pain He endured in Gethsemane, the betrayal He felt by those closest to Him, that moment when His Father had to leave Him completely alone,, that 30 seconds....when his Father couldn't bear to watch His only Begotten in so much pain and agony, yet they both knew it needed to be done,, for you and for me.  If He can do that, surely I can do this menial little challenge,, can't I?

  I went for a walk today around my neighborhood with a sweet friend, and came upon a group of Levi's friends.. their hugs brought tears to my eyes.  These sweet boys make me feel so loved.  They hug me like they actually mean it, not some wussy *if I have to hug you I will * Hug,, but an honest to goodness, we love you Rhonda hug.  They smile when they see me,, no matter where.  I hope they never stop.  I am pretty sure they have no idea how much I need them all!!

So again, as Saturday draws closer, when you see me,, please hug me just a little longer, don't tell me you're sorry,,, I already know that,  just tell me you love me, come joins us at Red Robin, as we laugh, cry and share all that is that little bundle I never thought I would have.  And if I'm crying,, feel free to join me. 

#somedaysareharder

They have had to leave me while I finish my mission here,,, I know I will see them again! AND what a reunion that will be!

Strong? Not even close..

I woke up this morning and that all too familiar pit was right where it was last week,,, residing in my tummy.  I had an appointment with my bishop this morning, so I got up, got ready for church, went to my appointment, turns out he was just checking on me haha.  We talked for about 25 minutes and I asked him for a blessing again,, *I wonder if I will ever be told no!,, I sure hope not!*  Church wasn't til 1, so I went to choir practise,, and they are learning this incredible song called "I Will Rise" , Yea I couldn't get through it.  So I sat there and listened.., Sorry Zach,, not sure I will be there next week,, love ya buddy!   Then I came home to finish off a few things before Church started.. And I was feeling pretty darn good... until we started our meetings... Sunday is apparently tear day for me.

It was fast sunday today,, 3 months ago was the last time I got to sit in church with my husband and our son.,, it was the last time I would hear their testimonies,,,,,  luckily I caught and recorded some of Levi's,,, yay for heeding promptings,, I read it today during testimony meeting, to myself.  Bitter sweet. Watching those boys,, Levi's friends,,, I just sit there with my eyes closed, praying I don't sob out loud.  I sit with my friends and their young son puts his head on my lap and I start scratching it, rubbing his head, and he falls asleep.  *sigh* the tears just fall,, I don't even hide it any more, I feel this young boy's mom's hand on my shoulder,,, I sit on the couch with a friend and her husband, and another friend, during sunday school and I actually reach out to scratch her husbands back,, purely out of habit.... my arm ended up dropping on the back of the couch,, I'm pretty sure no one noticed,, except me.  I'm not as strong as you all think I am.  I know certain people are watching me, making sure I am ok, and I am grateful for them.

Sometimes I just feel like saying "OK Satan,, ya got me,, you win,, I give up!"  So badly I want to say that some days,,, I miss them.  I miss being a mum,, I had another friend's son tell me "I'll be your (his name), is that ok?"  Oh I hugged that little man,,  I miss the feeling of safety of my husbands arms around me.  That's why when you hug me I hang on just a little tighter, a teenie bit longer.  And without sounding creepy,, if you're a man, I soak in the scent of your cologne, *I swear I am not a creeper!* 

I'm exhausted, from crying,, *Thought I had a handle on it seriously*, from waking up alone, from missing loving arms around me, from putting on make up only to look like a raccoon, seriously need waterproof mascara!, from longing to once again feel safe and secure, from feeling like a weak little girl when everyone makes comments on how strong I am.  So if you happen to hug me and I fall apart, just hold me.  Let me cry.  I may just cry myself to sleep, because I am just exhausted, from being "strong".

Love love love