I am sitting here watching a silly sitcom, and there is a scene where Mom is having coffee with "Jesus" and she asks why her (ex) husband had to die and He responds with "He has done all he needed to" she asks "why not me" and He says "you still have work to do with your daughter, and her children," she then asks, "when does it stop hurting?" and He responds "when you wake up", she wakes up from her dream, and rolls over and hugs her daughter.
I have asked my self those same questions so many times,, I have asked Him those questions so many times.
And for some reason, today, watching this show,, this hit me,,,, hard. When you wake up.... when you realize you still have things to do, when you realize you still have loved ones that need you, when you realize that they are where they need to be and you are where you need to be,, when you realize you are so very far from alone. That He is beside you every step of the way. That is when the hurt lessens, when the tears slow down. And it doesn't happen at a set time,, or the same time for everyone. We are all different.
I am still needed, my kids need me. They don't seem like they do, but every once in a while I get a call from my son asking for help, I get a call from my daughter wanting to vent, or asking for a recipie, (how do you spell that word????) I get a call from a friend, just wanting to talk. And, to be honest, I like to think that Tom needs me too! (I know I need him!)
I was worried that the hurt had stopped all together. I got through this last anniversary without tears, or loneliness, and it scared me. It scared me when I realized I haven't cried in a few months, and thoughts of Todd and Levi brought a smile instead of tears. My heart still aches, and I think of them daily,, like seriously daily!! but the tears are no where near as often. My kids and I talk about them and we laugh, we remember the happiness and not the dark day that everything changed.
This December I deleted facebook off my phone for the month. ( I have it back on my phone, but I have turned off my notifications, and have the app "hidden" so I only look at it maybe once a day, so if you need me, message me or text me!) I needed the break,, I needed to "wake up" I guess. I needed to remember them with happiness and love, and not the sadness that seemed to follow. I still love talking about them, I still see their picture every day. I still love them with my entire being. And I still feel them with me. Something has changed though. I know the hole in my heart is still there, I know it always will be,, but there seems to be a silver lining around that hole now,, and I kinda like it!
