Who am I...

This is the question that has been running through my mind the last few weeks.

Today was supposed to be the pre trial hearing for Mr Sumbot, the man who decided to get into his car, and speed while intoxicated on a stormy winter's night, and caused the death of my sweetheart and my baby boy.  I remember his words to me, when we met,, "I thought I hit a dear,  I am so sorry"
When he said those words, I forgave him so easily, I was at peace with everything,,

I didn't know he had been drinking.

I found out about 4 months ago he had been drinking, had an open bottle, almost emptied, in the car, and another bottle waiting to be opened.
When I was told he had been drinking, I was filled with rage, hatred, anger, and every other descriptive word in the english language that can describe what I was feeling that day, and for weeks after. months even.   AND I HATED IT!  I hated those feelings.  I am not a hateful person.  Usually.  I have always been one to deal with what has upset me and move on, let it go.  Once I get what has me upset off my chest I am good to go.  NOT THIS TIME.  It consumed me.  It ate at me while I slept, it brought waterfalls of tears to my eyes while I was awake.  I talked to my Bishop, to my grief counselor, to friends about it, and they all said the same thing,,, "let the atonement work for you.  That is why it is there!"

CRAZY!   What on earth did I do that was wrong? Seriously, aren't we taught the Atonement is all about Christ dying on the cross for our sins?  I didn't do the sinning here, these people, my confidants were all nuts.

I am not sure what happened.. or why,,, but after our trip to Canada, Kenzie and I, I walked into the house and suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  It was like Todd and Levi greeted me at the door and just took all that pain, hatred and anger I had been carrying for months right off my shoulders. I was able to let go.

 I was talking to my mother in law after we were done at the court house.  I was telling her how I hoped they didn't think I was blowing this whole redo on the pre trial off.  That it matters to me, so much, more than anyone else.

The thought came to me.... *get ready it's a good one!*.....

Who am I to not let it go? Who am I to not forgive?  If my loving Savior, my older brother, is able to pray in Gethsemane and fast for 40 days and 40 nights, if my Redeemer is able to walk through the streets and have those whom he has served spit on him, place a crown of plaited thorns on His head, and He doesn't utter one single word of anger, if MY deliverer carries a wooden cross up a hill, lays down on it, and lets people He loves so very much, drive stakes into His hands, feet, and wrists, and plunge a sword into His side, and as He takes His final breathe He says, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"  WHO AM I TO HANG ON TO SUCH HATRED?

My loving older brother, did all of that,,,for you, and you and you and....  FOR ME.  He felt the pain of not only every sin we would commit, He felt our pain, our agony, our heartache, He cried our tears.  He longed to take that pain from us.  He did that for you and He did that for ME!  He felt every ounce of breathe leave my body when I realized that it was my husband, my son on the road that night.  He felt my heart break in two.  He felt my will to die, He felt everything.  That is the Atonement.  That is why He suffered on the cross.  Not just for the mistakes I would make, and there have been plenty, but for all the sorrows you and I would feel as we navigated through this pathway back to Him and our Father.  He cried every tear, every single one of us has ever or will ever shed.

So who am I to hang on to such pain?  How can I continue forward down this path of life if I don't let go of what He has already paid for?

I don't hate the driver.  I don't.  I want justice.  But I am not going to go after him for everything he has,, no matter what happens, it won't bring back my husband, my children's father, my son, my children's brother.  My faith lies with my Father in Heaven, with my Savior Jesus Christ, and in the Atonement.

There is more than one justice system at play here... there is the earthly justice, and the Eternal justice, and that justice is where my faith is.

I keep going back to that night.  At the firehouse, the warmth and love I felt, the waves of peace.. my Saviors arms were wrapped around me that night, in the form of one acting in His place.  I saw the look of pain on His face, I saw how desperately my Redeemer wanted nothing more than to "remove this cup from me", but I had agreed to it, just like He had agreed to His Cup so very long ago.  He couldn't take it from me, but if I let Him, He could walk beside me and help me through it.

I know my Savior lives,, I know HE LOVES ME.  I KNOW I WILL SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN!  I KNOW IT!

Who am I?  I am a Child who is loved beyond words.  I am a child who's Father heartbreakingly gave me His only begotten so that I might return to live with Him again, one day.  And I know that God has got this! (No I am not holding onto the hope that the Lord will thrust the driver down to hell,, that is not a loving Lord.)  I know that He will make everything right.  So, yes, I am letting go.  I am moving forward,, not on, as I am leaving nothing behind.

*feel like I am rambling here... again!*

Love one another... and please,,, let it go. He's got this,, I PROMISE!

Life goes on...

Back to School,,,, I used to look forward to the days when I didn't have to buy school supplies, take kids back to school shopping, set my alarm for 5 am so I can make sure they are up for seminary *Not everywhere has seminary integrated into their school system Utah!*.

This week I see pictures of my friends kids with signs saying what grade they are going into, the brightly colored new back packs filled to the brim with sharp pencils, virgin white paper waiting to be inked, paints, notebooks with uncracked spines,, I want that.

We always want what we don't have right?

 I never in a million years thought it would affect me like this, I never thought I would miss it.  It would've been different if he had graduated highschool, if I had the opportunity to relish all his academic accomplishments and celebrate them with him like I did our other children.  It is hard to be on facebook and see all your posts about how excited your kids are to start a new adventure.  It's hard to see how excited all of you are to have the house to yourself's again.  And please, I am not blaming you, and I certainly am in no way upset with you, I get it! I was there, only a year ago.  I was so freaking excited to get back to a schedule, a routine.  It just hurts my heart that I can't share in it with you.  I want to be excited to have the house to myself again, to have a few moments with my husband before my boy walks in the door from school.  So please keep posting them!!!

I get to think about something new this year.  His eyes will see things in a different light, his heart still beats, and hopefully that person is excited for the new school year.  Hopefully his heart flutters and is a little anxious at meeting the new teacher, making new friends,, did he just move this year as well?  Hopefully his eyes will see all the wonderful things he/she can accomplish, maybe they are giving sight to a mom, who is anxious to get back to a routine again, or who is sending her baby off to first grade.  Wipe them gently mom.  I worked hard to make those eyes.  Hug that heart just a little tighter will you please?  You have no idea how much love is in that heart, bursting to get out.

I had a hard time with organ donation, until that dreadful night,, Now... Now, I love that part of my son still lives, and gets to experience this life.

https://video-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xap1/v/t42.1790-2/11353770_1641829746040113_175762992_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjMwMCwicmxhIjo1MTJ9&rl=300&vabr=160&oh=92918c1ba8025b4bef7a6652fc5d02df&oe=55D4CBD0


because after all is said and done, Life does nothing, if not go on...

Comfort

There are few things that give me comfort, well no, there are alot of things that give me comfort, they are just different from what used to bring me Joy.  These are not the same thing.

One of the things that brings me much comfort is my friends.  Old friends that I have had for 43 years, friends that I have made because of the accident, and friends I have because one young boy decided a mission was his to server.  One young man.  Made a decision, to leave his family for two years, and because of that young man, I now have so many friends in Utah, and Georgia.  I got the opportunity to meet a few of these friends last night.  I am so so very glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and met up with these family's and connect with them on a personal level.

Two of these incredible family's also had young people who decided to give up two years of their lives to serve in Georgia, and left their families to work with my young man.

The one in the blue shirt, she has welcomed my young man into her home,  fed my young man, hugged my young man, loved my young man, and touched my life in ways she will never know.

Today is her day, to allow her young man to leave her for two years as he serves the Lord in the Utah, St George Mission.  She asks me, how am I going to let him go? And memories come flooding back of how so very hard it was for me to let my young man go, and the tears fall.  All I can say is "because you have faith my sweet friend, my sister, and faith with out works is dead".  My heart is mixed today, it hurts for her as much as it did that day almost two years ago, when I had to drive away and give back to the Lord with what He had entrusted me with 18 years ago.  My heart also sings for her, for the blessings that will come to her because she has returned to the Father, what He entrusted her with 18 years ago, will be numerous and plentiful!  There will be tears... there will be heartache, there will also be joy, and happiness and comfort.  And when you are missing him so much you feel like you are going to break apart,, your family, us other missionary mommas that broke bread with you last night, we will be there to bring you comfort no one else can!

Love you Nancy!  More than you will ever know! it is our turn to help you!!

Realizing you dont have control over everything...

*I have thought long and hard, about blogging about this, and have started and erased it so many times I have lost count*

I have really had a hard time these last few months, with letting go of things I can't control.  Mainly, letting go of the fact that the DA is not charging the driver with vehicular homicide, and has turned the case over to the city for a DUI charge.  When I was told this, I was so very angry.  I actually felt bad for the officer that came into my home to tell me what the DA's findings where.

I called the DA and had a lengthy discussion with her as to why charges were not being filed for the death of my husband and son.  Turns out UTAH law states that the driver has to be the main reason the accident happened, and because it was dark, stormy, and no shoulder on the road, *read Todd and Levi were on the edge of the driver's lane, never mind that pedestrians always have the right of way*, the driver's negligence is not the main reason why the accident happened. *I am paraphrasing here, but you get the point,, and don't bother telling me how ridiculous this is,, I am very aware!* So he is being charged with a DUI.

In 2007 there was an accident where a teenage driver, 17 I believe he was, who was drunk, hit a car with 5 people in it, killing 4 of them,, the wife of the hit vehicle was expecting, both her and the unborn baby were killed along with two of her children.  The man, the father, the husband who's entire world changed in a split second, made the decision to forgive the driver, before the paramedics even got to him.  There is a movie coming out called "Just Let Go" and it is this man's story, of forgiving and letting go of the past. THIS IS A MOVIE I WILL BE GOING TO! I am hoping this will help me let go of the anger that has dwelt in my heart way too long... I really go back and forth between anger and pity for the driver in my story,,,   As I watch the trailers for it, I am brought back to the night my life completely changed.  I remember asking the Lieutenant who was with me, about the driver, how he was doing.  I remember telling my Bishop that he had to let the driver know I don't blame him, that this was a complete act of God.  I remember feeling complete peace with this decision.

A few months ago,, the anger hit...  I wanted him persecuted. I wanted him "hung".  I wanted him to feel the pain I feel every single day...

So what changed?  I found out he had be drinking.  I found out what his BAL was.  And I was suddenly sick to my stomach.  Should any of that mattered?  It didn't for the man I mentioned above.. And as I watch the trailers, I am reminded of various quotes,

•  Who among us is without sin?, Let him cast the first stone
• Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours

just to name a few.   One thing that Chris Williams does say in this clip is that you need to be honest with yourself as to what you can control.

here's the clip

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/16/forgiveness_n_1886057.html

I can't control the driver.  I can't control what he did that night, any more than I can control what he is going to do tomorrow, what the judge is going to do, or what you are going to do.

I have to let the Lord have this. I need to focus on healing my family.  On going forward.  I need to focus my energy on what I can control, which is actually not a lot,, and I have a lot of energy.

So as I strive to get that peaceful feeling back, that I had the night our world completely changed, I need to remember to Just Let Go, let go of the hatred, the blackness that seems to be working hard on keeping residence in my heart. I will go to the court house, when the driver has to appear.  I will say nothing, I will pray for peace as the Judge does what he feels is fair.  And I will move forward, with my family.

 I am falling to my knees more, cracking open my scriptures and searching for verses on forgiveness and letting go, reading conference talks in the Ensign, and above all, I am very much aware of two angels, who are with me, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., they help me get out of bed, they help me keep going forward, and I simply can not let them down.  So as much anger you feel on my behave, on my kids behave, on my family's behave, please... don't.   Pray for peace and faith in our hearts.  Because in the end, all I want is to be able to have those two angels, my family, and my Savior pleased with how I got through this trial. And maybe, just maybe forgiveness can help me heal... help my family heal.

*I really wish all my thoughts would gather at once and in order, I feel like I am completely rambling and I can't seem to form a coherent thought to save my life,... bad pun!*

Love
is all that matters in the end.  To give it and to feel it in your own life.  That is what I can control.