At the beginning of the week, I was laying in the lovesac, a beanbag "chair", at the end of our bed watching tv, Todd had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on the edge of the bed, when suddenly I heard "what the heck..... Honey, I'm bleeding everywhere, come here please!" Me being the incredibly awesome caregiver that I am, sigh heavily, and roll off my comfy seat to go look. Todd has his hand cupped around the bottom of his big toe, and the ENTIRE bottom is raw, red, not bleeding though. THE ENTIRE BOTTOM OF HIS BIG TOE!
I look at him and say "what the crap did you do?, does it hurt?" He says no, but I can hear the anxiousness in his voice, he is freaking out. I kinda am too to be honest with y'all.. this is gross and peculiar. I grab some gloves, a gauze, tape and lavender oil, wrap it up, find the piece of skin that was discarded on my floor and toss it out.
The next day I am looking at his toe, changing the dressing on it, and I notice a HUGE blister on the toe right next to his big toe.. DUDE WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?????? He doesn't go anywhere, he sits in his chair in the family room watching tv, the furthest he walks is simply around the house. How on earth is he getting these freaking sores???? Think, think, think, he sits in his chair in the family room,,, with the DISH HEATER on HIGH right at his feet. Slap my head! Seriously, he has burnt his toes and can not even feel it! WHO DOES THAT?? Someone with horrid nerve damage is who.
I have our friend who is a nurse come take a look at it and she confirmed he has burnt his toes.
WELL, being the loving caregiver that only I can be, That heater is being tossed in the garage, hidden far from sight,,, (he can't really see so I have to hide it from the minion kids that do his bidding when I'm not around!) and pulling out his electric blanket! He claims he doesn't use it because he's afraid he will trip on the cord. My response, (loving caregiver voice of course), Don't walk around the house with the blanket on goofy!!!!
I was freaking out that he was going to lose his toes, until we figured out what was going on. He didn't realize he had burnt his toes because he has no feeling in his leg. Every time I turn around, or think we are ahead of this battle just a little bit, something like this happens to bring me crashing down to earth. If he can't feel when he's burning his feet, what else could happen?? I mean seriously,, what other damage can and probably will unintentionally be done because he can't feel anything. It's like no matter what we do, I can do nothing more but pray and watch as this quicksand takes over his entire body. I can do things to slow the quick sand down, but it wont stop it,, not until he gets that new kidney.
Seriously,,, I dare anyone to come up to me and tell me Diabetes doesn't kill any more. Go ahead. Accept the challenge.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Depression
What a title! It has caused some heated disputes on social networks and in family's I'm sure.
It is something I have delt with for 20+ years. Something I had been afraid to talk about or share with anyone for years. Why? Because of the stigma that came with it. Because of the comments I have heard directed towards those with this disease. Because I didn't want to be labelled as a mental case. When members of my family found out I was taking anti-depressants all those years ago, I got comments like, "you don't have depression. You're too happy!" And "what on earth are you taking those for, just suck it up
FYI,, these comments do NOT help.
My depression first reared it's ugly head when I was a single mother with a baby and a toddler, barely making ends meet, dealing with divorce lawyers, and an ex who let his lawyer do all his fighting for him. I went to the dr and got the needed medication and,though the change wasn't sudden, it was like night and day. When my sweet 2 yr old baby girl spilt sprite on her aunt Brenda's futon we were using, she didn't look at me fearful of what was going to happen. She simu said "mommy, oopsie!" Climbed off the futon and got a towel to clean it up. The things that shouldn't matter didn't. I woke up happy, usually, I could handle conflict and be the calm reasonable one, I started exercising and eating better and thus started losing weight.Thus learning you can heal some mental disorders with proper nutrition and exercise and soon able to be off the man made medication. I continued on this glorious path for about 10 years.....
Enter baby #3! My "postpartum" was fulblown, let's face it, who seriously can keep up eating healthy and exercising when you have a watermelon growing in your midsection???? (Seriously at the end of this pregnancy I couldn't wrap my arms around my stomach he was THAT BIG!!!)
The difference this time,, I had a loving husband who helped me through all my emotions and picked up when I couldn't.
After about 4 years I was able to get off my meds again by controlling my dust and exercise.
Then we moved to Vegas. No family, no friends, nothing. And I spiraled. When my husband finally convinced me to go to the dr, the dr looked at me and said "if you're diabetic you wouldn't stop taking your insulin would you?, so why did you stop taking your meds?, it's the same thing!" Having never heard it put that way before a light went on in my head. Ok. This make sense. Now those of you who really know me know my struggle with food has been my whole life. I'm not diligent enough to eat clean continually to stay off my meds. So this is a part of my daily routine that I accept and deal with. Get up, brush my teeth, take my pills,,,,
Becoming a caregiver of your most beloved eternal companion when you're only 40 is in no ones life goals. It can really really stress you out, pull you down, weigh you down, and DEPRESS the crap right out of ya! So I was talking to a friend yesterday and when she asked what helped me feel closer to my Heavenly Father and kept me going I responded with "listening to my scriptures on the way to work, but I struggle to stay awake it's sooooooooooooooo monotone and,,,, boring!" *dont judge me*. She suggested I listen to conference on my way to work and I said I'd give it a try,,
I get in my car this morning and open the app on my phone, open conference talks, and guess who's popped up,,,,,,,,
Go ahead,,,,,,,,, guess,,,,,,, I'll wait!
Elder Holland's talk. *im behind in conferences so I hadn't heard it yet*, from this last October. Ok. I absolutely love Elder Holland, this is excellent.
"A broken vessel" really??? I am. Ok let's do this.
As I'm listening he is thing about depression and being a caregiver and I start tearing up. Perfect timing,,,, I think so. I know with assuridy that I'm not alone. I know we can do this. I know there are things I need to do to look after myself before I can look after my sweetheart. And what I can't do,,,, it's ok.
My goal today,,, to not let the adversary bring me down. I'm in control. Not him. I decide. Not him.
Bring it on world! My team is ready to face ya head on.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Happy Anniversary! Do I have to celebrate?
This is an anniversary I would rather not celebrate. One year ago yesterday Todd was diagnosed with kidney failure and acute heart disease. Today, the heart disease is gone, and the kidneys are failing as expected. What a year. There are times that it feels like this has been our lives for so much longer than a year. Although it never feels shorter!!
Throughout our entire marriage we have had trials, who hasn't right?, between being lied about in court, being lied to by ex's, being deceived, trying to blend a family and make the transition smooth, only to be lied to by the kidlets, (yea I know kids lie, its what they do when they are afraid, I really get it, I do.) And the constant pull of the adversary trying to bring you down every time you get ahead just a little bit, and get on the right course, dealing with immigration, more court battles, more threats from ex's, more battling for parental rights, financial ups and downs, THIS is the only year I wish I could change. It has made me feel soo incredibly weak. Maybe because there is yet to be an end in sight. Maybe because every other struggle we have just feels more like a 1000 lb stone being put right on top of MY shoulders. I try so hard to take care of everything so my sweet husband can focus on the most important thing on our list of to do's,, GET HEALTHY!
I went and got a job 3 years ago out of boredom. Levi was in school, Kenz was getting ready to move out, Jake was good. I needed one that allowed me to work weird hours, where I could be home when my kids got home from school. *no matter what anyone says, I firmly believe, and my kids have shown me, that they needed me more as teenagers than as toddlers and preschoolers,* So it was important to me that they do NOT come home to an empty house. Mum had to be there to greet them, to ask how their day went and to just listen sometimes.
My very first interview I fell in love with the supervisor,, not romantic love, but a OMG I know you and I are going to be the best of friends love. We just clicked and I got the job!! I loved my job,, I love it still,, most days!, and my old supervisor and I,, yep we are friends... she understands me, and my frustrations, she listens when I need someone to talk to, she doesn't pity me, she gets me. She tells me to have a pity party every day for about 5 minutes then move on with my day. She gets it when I say I dont want to go home because I know what's waiting for me, and all I want to do is sleep. I love her. She is one of my rocks that I lean on quite heavily, and when I don't hear from her after a couple weeks, I start to get worried, *her husband is also disabled*
Anyways I digress, I never thought my little $11/hr job would be the sole providing income for our family. Todd was always so good at providing for us. Then 2013 hit, and boy what a roller coaster. We went from $XXX,XXX.00 a year to $18,000.00 WHAT? really? Talk about a shock for the pocket book. I mean I can totally do poor, I have done it most of my adult life, with the exception of when Todd was working, so that wasn't the problem. The problem was now my husbands whole entire sense of worth and purpose was gone. He could no longer see well enough to work, *I don't want to get into all the things he can no longer do, y'all can read those in previous posts* He could no longer handle the stresses of every day life, of dealing with the ex's, and all the sweet stuff they like to throw at ya, of dealing with the bills, the rent, the noise kids make. Yes you read that,, he could no longer deal with the noise kids make being kids. So I went into overdrive and became the middle man between him and the kids when he got angry, I started worrying about the bills, I stepped up and did everything while Todd focused on getting better. I took over everything. He can't see to pay the bills, or even read them, I took over disciplining the kids because it was better that I do it, than he fly off the handle over someone not picking up a towel, or leaving a noodle mess in the sink, watching him cook is somewhat hilarious, but he does still do that.
This is my life, *sigh* (please don't comment that you're sorry we are going through this,,,etc.etc. I love reading your comments but I don't need pity, what I need is a BREAK! LOL,I don't remember what it is like to go 24 hours without someone needing something from me, a sign *work* a schedule *work* their blood kit, their medicine, dinner, socks, stop this argument! I post this only to vent, I know this is happening for a reason, I'm not sure the reason, but I do know this is all part of my Heavenly Father's plan for our family)
3 am get up, exercise and get ready for work.
530 leave for work
630-230 work, *tiring in and of itself*
3 pm home
check on hubby, make sure he's breathing,, no jokes, he's usually back in bed after getting levi out the door for school
4 pm levi gets home and get him going on homework, do whatever laundry I need for the next day
5 pm dinner,,, depending on how he's feeling one of us cooks, although now that it's just mister picky spoiled pants at home, dinners consist of a salad for Todd and I and whatever for Mr PSP.
6 pm kitchen, or not,,, most nights it's not.
7pm get Mr PSP in the shower and get myself ready for bed.
730-8pm I go to bed, exhausted, emotionally, physically and spiritually
lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat, this is what runs through my mind lol
So yes this is an anniversary I would rather NOT celebrate. One I wish we didn't have. However, it has taught me patience, tolerance and to accept help from others.
We are so very grateful for all the support we have received from family and friends through the various fundraisers that have been held for us. We now have insurance to cover Todd and his medical needs,,, $400 a month with a $986 deductible, once that is used up,, everything is free!!! So he can now go get his eye surgery that he is in desperate need of to stop the bleeding behind his eyes. Hops is on the horizon, hopefully he can get his eye sight back! What a wonderful day that will be.
I'm off to finish the Harry Potter Marathon with my favorite 10 yr old,, Mr. PSP!!
Thanks for listening
Throughout our entire marriage we have had trials, who hasn't right?, between being lied about in court, being lied to by ex's, being deceived, trying to blend a family and make the transition smooth, only to be lied to by the kidlets, (yea I know kids lie, its what they do when they are afraid, I really get it, I do.) And the constant pull of the adversary trying to bring you down every time you get ahead just a little bit, and get on the right course, dealing with immigration, more court battles, more threats from ex's, more battling for parental rights, financial ups and downs, THIS is the only year I wish I could change. It has made me feel soo incredibly weak. Maybe because there is yet to be an end in sight. Maybe because every other struggle we have just feels more like a 1000 lb stone being put right on top of MY shoulders. I try so hard to take care of everything so my sweet husband can focus on the most important thing on our list of to do's,, GET HEALTHY!
I went and got a job 3 years ago out of boredom. Levi was in school, Kenz was getting ready to move out, Jake was good. I needed one that allowed me to work weird hours, where I could be home when my kids got home from school. *no matter what anyone says, I firmly believe, and my kids have shown me, that they needed me more as teenagers than as toddlers and preschoolers,* So it was important to me that they do NOT come home to an empty house. Mum had to be there to greet them, to ask how their day went and to just listen sometimes.
My very first interview I fell in love with the supervisor,, not romantic love, but a OMG I know you and I are going to be the best of friends love. We just clicked and I got the job!! I loved my job,, I love it still,, most days!, and my old supervisor and I,, yep we are friends... she understands me, and my frustrations, she listens when I need someone to talk to, she doesn't pity me, she gets me. She tells me to have a pity party every day for about 5 minutes then move on with my day. She gets it when I say I dont want to go home because I know what's waiting for me, and all I want to do is sleep. I love her. She is one of my rocks that I lean on quite heavily, and when I don't hear from her after a couple weeks, I start to get worried, *her husband is also disabled*
Anyways I digress, I never thought my little $11/hr job would be the sole providing income for our family. Todd was always so good at providing for us. Then 2013 hit, and boy what a roller coaster. We went from $XXX,XXX.00 a year to $18,000.00 WHAT? really? Talk about a shock for the pocket book. I mean I can totally do poor, I have done it most of my adult life, with the exception of when Todd was working, so that wasn't the problem. The problem was now my husbands whole entire sense of worth and purpose was gone. He could no longer see well enough to work, *I don't want to get into all the things he can no longer do, y'all can read those in previous posts* He could no longer handle the stresses of every day life, of dealing with the ex's, and all the sweet stuff they like to throw at ya, of dealing with the bills, the rent, the noise kids make. Yes you read that,, he could no longer deal with the noise kids make being kids. So I went into overdrive and became the middle man between him and the kids when he got angry, I started worrying about the bills, I stepped up and did everything while Todd focused on getting better. I took over everything. He can't see to pay the bills, or even read them, I took over disciplining the kids because it was better that I do it, than he fly off the handle over someone not picking up a towel, or leaving a noodle mess in the sink, watching him cook is somewhat hilarious, but he does still do that.
This is my life, *sigh* (please don't comment that you're sorry we are going through this,,,etc.etc. I love reading your comments but I don't need pity, what I need is a BREAK! LOL,I don't remember what it is like to go 24 hours without someone needing something from me, a sign *work* a schedule *work* their blood kit, their medicine, dinner, socks, stop this argument! I post this only to vent, I know this is happening for a reason, I'm not sure the reason, but I do know this is all part of my Heavenly Father's plan for our family)
3 am get up, exercise and get ready for work.
530 leave for work
630-230 work, *tiring in and of itself*
3 pm home
check on hubby, make sure he's breathing,, no jokes, he's usually back in bed after getting levi out the door for school
4 pm levi gets home and get him going on homework, do whatever laundry I need for the next day
5 pm dinner,,, depending on how he's feeling one of us cooks, although now that it's just mister picky spoiled pants at home, dinners consist of a salad for Todd and I and whatever for Mr PSP.
6 pm kitchen, or not,,, most nights it's not.
7pm get Mr PSP in the shower and get myself ready for bed.
730-8pm I go to bed, exhausted, emotionally, physically and spiritually
lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat, this is what runs through my mind lol
So yes this is an anniversary I would rather NOT celebrate. One I wish we didn't have. However, it has taught me patience, tolerance and to accept help from others.
We are so very grateful for all the support we have received from family and friends through the various fundraisers that have been held for us. We now have insurance to cover Todd and his medical needs,,, $400 a month with a $986 deductible, once that is used up,, everything is free!!! So he can now go get his eye surgery that he is in desperate need of to stop the bleeding behind his eyes. Hops is on the horizon, hopefully he can get his eye sight back! What a wonderful day that will be.
I'm off to finish the Harry Potter Marathon with my favorite 10 yr old,, Mr. PSP!!
Thanks for listening
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