Please no!/Please KNOW!

Trials are funny things. We don't often know, at least I don't, if its Satan trying to steer us off the path of righteousness or if it is Heavenly Father saying to us "hang in there, you can do this."

These last couple weeks have been a struggle.  And I have been putting off posting because I hate whiners!  I'm more of a, if life hands you lemons, you cut those suckers and squirt the advisery in the eye, kinda gal! 

Todd had dr's appointments a couple weeks ago, that I was not able to go with him for due to work.  So Jacob, being the awesome young man he is, drove his dad to St George and chauffeured him from one dr to the next all day.  After blood tests and looking at his glucose levels for the last couple months, the doctors all came back with the same diagnosis.  His kidneys have lost their second wind.  His creatin levels are at a 2.8.  These are levels we want below a 2, at 3 the docotors start talking dialysis.  We have been worried about his liver function and my bestie and I have both noticed that he is starting to look a little yellow, the dr's say his liver is ok.  Not great, fantastic, no worries.  Not horrid, dying, non functioning, just ok.  His body is running on half the blood of a normal healthy man his age.  Thus putting a huge strain on his body and organs.  His kidneys are not filtering the blood like they are supposed to, which is causing a whole bunch of problems, including his constantly being exhausted, I mean seriously exhausted. To the point where just the thought of getting undressed and taking a shower makes him want to nap, never mind actually doing it. (you think I'm kidding,, come on over!)

Ok, we can deal with this, we knew this was ultimately what was coming,,, the transplant I mean,  and it seems to have peeked now.  So there is no more waiting 3 months in between visits, we now have to go every month. Which is great because they can keep a closer eye on him. 


A few weeks ago we found a killer deal on a cute little bug that I really wanted, and we were able to buy it, as my car was needing to go to another home.  Well, last week, I was driving home from a meeting with Todd in the car, and I hit a dip in the road.  YES I was going the speed limit, get pulled over once by the Henderson NV police and you would too!!, well I guess I hit it just right, because not 15 minutes later, Todd went outside and I heard him yell, WHAT DID YOU HIT?.  OIL was gushing out of the bottom of my car.  Yep, HUGE hole in the oil pan.  OK, we can deal with this too,,, sigh.  We paid our tithing, we are doing everything right, have a little faith, it'll all work out... right?  This just means I have to take the truck to work for the next few days until we can get it fixed.  Any of you ever leave your house at 3 am, even in the desert it's freaking COLD!

I hop in the truck, which I've been telling dear hubs we need to trade in, and crank the heat,,, after a 30 minute drive to work, my teeth are chattering,, seriously, fingers are frozen around the steering wheel, can't feel my toes,, its warmer outside in the rain than it is in my truck kinda cold.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Breathe Rhonda, just breathe,,, we got this! My sweet hubs, is trying desperately to read the owners manual and find out if it's just a fuse or if its the heater core.  *remember he's blind!, cant see hardly anything*

Last night I open the dishwasher to start loading the dishes, and there is a pool of water just sitting there in the bottom as happy as can be growing all sorts of bacteria, not really but go with me here, it's been like that all day.  10 yr old boy doesn't think to say "hey mom, there's still water in here" when's he unloaded it the night before... So I put it through a rinse cycle to try to get it to drain,, nope, water is still there, thank heavens there's not more water in there,, same amount, but it's just sitting there happy as a clam. Mocking me really at this point,, saying, "whatcha gonna do??"

One more thing to frustrate the hubs, two years ago, my car would've been fixed within the hour, the truck would've had heat and my dishwasher would have been taught a lesson on what happens when you talk back! 

Between all this going on at home, on top of my sweetheart's health, I've got a 18 yr old young man, whose chomping at the bit to get to the MTC and start on the next phase of his life, although between you and me he's just a little too eager to leave me!, not really but I cry every time I try to figure out what I'm gonna do when he's gone.

 I've got 4th quarter going on at work, and big wigs that decided that it would be a fantastically wonderful time to come drop by our store and make sure we are up to par on the BIGGEST ONE DAY SALE OF THE YEAR sale day.. and district managers pulling me in all sorts of different directions, totally new thing for me, being someone they need to talk to.

And we are trying to pay our bills with no assistance. hmmmmmm  At $11/hr, 30 hrs a week, yea I can barely cover rent, and we've done great the last month or two, however, there is just no way we can pay for all these repairs on our vehicles and dishwasher and still pay our bills.  (So not asking for help here!)

We were at a meeting at our church a couple nights ago and our Bishop saw us and asked how work was going.  I just looked at him and walked away, I didn't want him to see me crying,,, AGAIN!... seriously I swear that man thinks I'm a mess, which I am, but who likes to show weakness??  He runs through a classroom in the building and cuts me off, as I try to avoid him, he grabs me and says in a calm rational voice, that I have a love/hate relationship with, "it's ok, You are being tried, hang in there, You're doing everything right and Satan hates that. He is working overtime on your family" 
I know this, rationally I know this. All I can think is NO!  Please NO! I can't deal with anymore.

You need to know that the Bishop is the only other Human being we have let into our marriage, he has helped us through so much.  We can tell him anything and know we are not being judged.  So I take his counsel to heart.  In my eyes, where I am at right now, he is the closest I can get to my Father in Heaven short of hitting my knees and praying.  So when he says something, I tend to listen.

We head home, and I troll on facebook and find this :  (this is a family in Herriman Utah, that I have been following for quite a while. they recently lost their 10 yr old boy to acute heart failure, he was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy,in 2005)

Here is what I read:

PLEASE, NO / PLEASE KNOW
Natalie and I left Mitchell’s room as he drifted sleep. Mitchell was slipping away. Everything was escalating and we knew time was running out. We both sat in the hall just outside his room and wept. Our tears came from a well of the deepest sorrows. I eventually looked to my weary wife … exhausted, frightened and heavy with grief. My heart broke even more because I knew this woman, who has the tenderest of hearts, loved her little boy in ways only a mother can know. The “fix it” father in me desperately wanted to make it all go away, but I could not.

There were many occasions that I prayed to God “Please, no.” I petitioned over and over that somehow … some way … my son would be spared. Yet, every medical intervention was riddled with peril. Too much was happening, too late. Every path was a dark path. Even still our prayers continued, “Please, no.”

At some point during my wrestle of the soul I received a distinct impression. After I had cried out what felt a million-and-one times “please no” I was finally answered with “please know”. What followed was a most unique spiritual experience. A peace and understanding had fallen upon my wife and me; and while we didn't have words to describe what we were feeling, we had a strong sense that we were being told “Please know, everything is as it’s meant to be. I've got this.”

Over the years I have come to understand that mortality, our life on earth, is a schooling the soul. It is an education that takes a lifetime to complete. There are books to study, things we must do, knowledge and faith we must acquire … and there are tests. Oh, there are tests.

There are tests of prosperity; what we do when the sun is shining and our pockets full or overflowing. There are tests of faith; what we do when the lights go out. Test of hardship; how we respond to our difficulties. Test of anonymity; what we do when nobody is watching. So many experiences we encounter … so many learnings, if we become students of the soul.

When I consider this hardship I pray that the child in my heart can rise above this profound sorrow. I know I can. And I will. But losing my son has broken every bone in my body, wrenched my soul and pulverized my heart. With all that I understand and have felt spiritually my heart still cries out for my son and I miss him terribly.

This hardship has taught me, however, that while I may plea to God “please no” … if the answer is no, I must change my plea to “please help me know.” That is the foundation upon which we grow.

.......

My brick wall came tumbling down,  I bawled.  I've been praying wrong, asking for the wrong things. What has happened to my faith?  Time to go back to the basics.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that I don't always know the reason, but I trust He who does.  I will pick up my bootstraps, I will put a smile on my face and faith in my heart, and pray that I will learn from this what I need to.  Out of all of this I will become a stronger person, with steadfast faith in my Saviour, (I'm Canadian,, deal with the U!), I feel His arms around me every minute of every day.  Sometimes I just get too overwhelmed and forget He is right there waiting for me to hand over everything to Him, so I can keep doing what I do without stress and needless worry.  Perhaps this is what I need to learn from this,, that we, as a family are strong enough to say "Ok Lord,, we are letting go, we KNOW, You got this!"

The Wall

I think there comes a time, when no matter how strong we are, we hit a wall, it may not be for days, weeks, months or even years, but we will hit that inevitable "I'm over this wall!"

I hit my wall last night.  Hubster has a really hard time with his meds, I get it, I really do.  Some days he just sits on the couch and doesn't say a word, I have come to realize this is him holding his tongue.  Other days he flys off the handle over simple things like cereal not being put away, or a towel used to mop up juice on the floor still laying there after hours of having done it's job.  Something about being handed essentially a death sentence tends to put one on edge,, go figure...

After having a day where we are being pulled in 15 different directions and everyone at works needs you to do something right now, hey it's part of the job, we like nothing more than to walk into a happy home, with kids who are pleasant, a house that has had something done to it today, pickup up, vaccumed, something... the last thing we want or need is to walk into a home where you are again pulled in every direction,  "HEY MOM'S HOME, I need this, I need that, can I have this, can you do this for me, do you remember my password to.., MOM, dad said no!" 

But let's face is, being a parent is a full time job.  and when  your partner is down for the count, it is even more harrowing.  so yes, yesterday I hit a wall,, everyone was losing it, and I just wanted peace, and quiet and to not be needed for 1 hour.. 1 second even.  I locked myself in the bathroom and cried, and vented to my bestie, thanks Bestest Bestie!, and when I was done crying and venting, I laid in my bed and pulled the covers up and went to sleep, at 7:30 pm, because I was done. 

I am now up and heading out the door, to do it all again, because as parents, as caregivers, and as providers, as meanial as that whooping $11 per hour seems, this is what we do, it is what I do. We get up in the morning, we get done what needs to get done, and what doesn't need to get done,,, well sometimes that can wait until tomorrow, so my floors are not vaccumed, or mopped, the family room is cluttered, the bathrooms need to be cleaned.... For now, that can wait, maybe until I get home from work,, maybe until thursday, or friday,,, who knows.  Right now, they can wait.

Right now, I'm attacking the wall!! wish me luck.

Bless her heart!

I love our children, every single last one of them! They continue to amaze me as they grow into fantastic adults who make great choices and live life selflessly. 

Our oldest daughter read the blog post I posted a few days ago when I dumped my entire heart on here.  She decided to take it upon herself to try and help us, so she set up a website for donations,, here http://www.gofundme.com/4zgey0 Then she contacted the newspapers and radio stations in St George and asked if they would do a story on her Dad. She got a call back from one paper and they are running a story, not sure when, but it is the St George News that is doing it.  So because of this, her dad knows about her efforts and it is no longer a secret.  Through her efforts we have raised over $1500.00 in 5 days! 

 I am in awe of the love and support from friends, family and strangers.   People we don't talk to or see very often or have never met have donated.  We are humbled and brought to tears over everyone's generosity. We feel very undeserving of such love.  Thank you to everyone who has shared her link, read our story and help, whether it be by picking Todd up in St George and taking him to his dr appt's, or taking him down here to his eye appt's , or just calling or texting him to see how he is doing.. And to you all who text call, and check up on me to make sure I am still sane.  We love you all so very much, and would be completely lost without you.

The last few days have been good days, Todd has been able to do more and keep things down. Although it feels like he is surviving on his anti-nausea medication on an hourly basis.  

I am off for the next 2 days so I am hoping to get caught up on laundry and at least pick up a bit today and let my sweetheart rest as much as possible, then enjoy Sunday at church with my family. 

Love to all, embrace what you have today and treasure it!