Anniversarys

Anniversarys are usually filled with flowers, sentimental gifts and love. And this one will be no different. We will have flowers, the love will be tangible and the sentimental gifts are under the tree this year. It's been a year of learning who I truly am.  And how strong my children truly are. It's been a year of becoming closer than I ever dreamed with my first born, of prayers for my second born, of dreams, of figuring out where I fit in my extended family and realizing how loved we truly are.  It's been a year of asking for priesthood blessings, reaching out for hugs and comfort, of letting people in. Forgiving, even when he doesn't think he did wrong.

A year of figuring out how to live with half my heart with our Father in Heaven and the other half still beating within me. 

This year I have seen so many blessings. I have seen people at their best and their worst. My family has grown so very large.  I have realized that family isn't always blood. I hug more, I am slower to anger, I love more willingly, I seek what is important and am working on not letting what doesn't matter affect me in a negative way. Love is eternal. And that is all we can take with us. 

I know I will get to see them again. I have seen them In my dreams.  I have felt their love surround me during difficult times. I have witnessed the tender mercies of our Lord. 

I have never been so happy to see a year come to an end. 

As Christmas approaches I am reminded of the greatest gift we ever received.  The birth of our Savior. Because of that gift, I get to be with my family forever!  Because of that gift I will be reunited with those that have gone before me, and it will be as if not one day has passed that we were apart.

So I ask you today and this Christmas season, fill your homes with love. Hug a little harder. Let the little things go, the things that won't affect your eternal happiness. Remember the true meaning of Christmas. And love.  Love like you won't get a tomorrow. Make memories. Take pictures. Because one day, that is all we will have left that truly matters and helps us through each day. 

I miss them. Every single day. Some days with smiles, some days with tears. Some days with heartache, and others with laughter. I crack inappropriate widow jokes, I laugh, I cry. I continue to love.  

Thank you is not enough., yet there is nothing more I could say,  But my family could not have gotten through this year without all of you. I love each of you so very much.  And consider you all my family. 

Here's to 2016 and doing what really matters.  

Everything happens for a reason,,,,,

I have heard this statement, even said it from time to time, so many times over the last 12 months, and I believed it,,, until one day it hit me out of the blue...

NO! Not everything happens for a reason, unless that reason is someone's stupidity... sometimes bad things happen to good people.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no purpose in it happening, it is not meant to help you, make you stronger, bring you peace, etc. etc.. sometimes stuff just happens!!!!

Let me be clear, I believe that we agree to everything that will happen on this earth in the pre-existence, before we are born.  I believe with all my heart, that I sat upon my Heavenly Father's knee and promised him that I would be "oh so good" if He would just let me go down to Earth and experience having a body.  A body that bled, that loved, that hurt, that ached, that felt.  I firmly believe that He showed me everything that would happen, in my life, that we sat together and He said to me, 'my precious daughter, you will experience heartache like no other.  You will want to give up, you will want to come back, you will want to quit... please know that I love you, that I am here for you, all you have to do is call Me, and I am there'.  He knew what would happen, He knew that on that day, at that time, a drunk driver would take what I held dearest to me from me. He knew,, and He could've stopped it,, but then why? Why would He have given us His Son, Why would He have let Himself experience such heartache and pain as to watch His children persecute and torture His Only Begotten Son?

I was talking to a friend that is more like an awesomely protective older brother, who is really younger than me,,, and I said, you know,, there is no reason this happened,,, right?  and he whoelheartedly agreed with me... that is when I was able to look at this differently...

There was no reason, it was not planned, but it was agreed to.  I agreed to go through this.. my children agreed to go through it, my family agreed to as well.  *Although they may not agree with me saying this.. haha*  It wasn't so I could be stronger,,, I am plenty strong enough, honestly!, It was simply an accident, caused by the negligence on someone else's part. And if the Lord had stepped it, and stopped this person's decision, then the Atonement would have been useless.  Everything has a price, and that price has been paid by our Savior.

Right now, my job, as much as I hate it, is to forgive... forgive this man for taking the life of my husband, my son.  For robbing my children of having a father for the important stuff, of having a grandfather for their kids, and an Uncle who would get down and play with them and teach them all the bad things to do.  Right now, my job, is to be strong for my children. To show them, as our Father in Heaven has shown us, how to forgive the unforgiveable.  How to keep moving forward when all we all want to do is just stop.

That is my only job right now.  Myself and my family.... we will be ok.  Eventually, not today, not tomorrow, not next week,, but we will be ok.... We will lean on each other, and the Lord, we will hold each other, pick each other up, and above all listen.... we will take turns crying,, there will be days when I will be as solid as a rock, and there will be days when I will need someone else to be the rock, and that's ok!

I love this article and the message it has.....

http://brightside.me/article/not-everything-happens-for-a-reason-the-magic-words-to-say-when-everythings-going-wrong-55105/

My list of to do's...

I borrowed this from someone in a widow/widowers group that I am part of on facebook,, People ask me how I have changed,, how my life has changed, and I just look at them with a blank "are you serious" look... so here it is!!!  *Sometimes other's can put into words what I simply can't wrap my head around quite yet!*

"Someone asked me recently how my life has changed being a widow. Here are some things you can tell someone that doesn't realize how much your life has changed.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decission
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid"

* credit to Grace Christophersen-Chumley for writing this list, and putting so eloquently down what I could not get together to make sense in my head!

This nails it!   I could comment on each little "it is.." but you get it,, I hope.... Some of these are easier than others,,, and some you just can't do overnight....

Mixed emotions, need a place to spew!

I am so over emotions... seriously.. over them.  One minute I am laughing my head off and the next I cry like a colicky baby.   I love Christmas and everything it represents...

• I love being around my family
• I love decorating 
• I love wrapping the presents and anticipating the looks on my loved ones faces
• I love shopping for or making that ONE perfect gift

This year is so different.  So Strange,, so foreign.  I don't ever recall a time when I dreaded the Christmas season... that's not the right word, I don't dread it,, I just don't want it to come....

My entire floor on my main level is completely ripped up, due to the negligence of Lowe's fridge installers, and mold was found... YIPEEEE!!!!  Now I get to fight with them over whether or not they are going to pay for that as well as the new flooring, deal with my insurance company, and wait for them to decide what they will cover,, my son comes home in 11 days, to a ripped up unfurnished first floor of a new house with a completely new feeling in it.. *the emptiness is quite tangible actually* , and my parents will be here 7 days after that,,, and we will have a house FULL of people for the luncheon at Jake's homecoming,, oh I am so freaking excited.

Shopping sucks,
decorating is over rated
I wrapped presents last night and thought,, "sigh,, why bother, they know what they're getting"
And my family is missing it's anchor and little goofball....
I miss buying for those two... I miss finding that perfect gift for Mr Show NO Emotion, and seeing a smile creep across his face... I miss knowing I have that one present Mr Spoiled is hounding me for,,, I miss the anticipation that invades our home, I miss taking him out to find his dad and his sibling the gifts he wants so desperately to give them!  I miss having someone to go shopping with... even though he complained.  haha

Can I just hide for the month of December please?  In fact, I'd like to skip right to February, if no one else minds....

Just like getting a smack upside the head.....

it hits you out of nowhere... the Holiday season.  And BAM!!! Here it is,,, upon us.

In years past, I have hounded Todd to let me put the tree up November 1... let's pull out the decorations and get this thing started,, haha,,, and it was always a fight, it became tradition, I would beg, he would say not until after thanksgiving,, I would remind him we did a thanksgiving already, he would tell me after the REAL thanksgiving, I googled which country changed the holiday,, guess who it was,,, yup,, good ol' US of A! I still lost this argument every year... mostly because I conceded.  It was all in fun. And I think the kids expected it every year.  Levi would laugh, Jake and Kenz would just roll their eyes in disgust.  Gotta love traditions!


This year things are different.  This year is the beginning of new traditions:

I went down to Kenzie and Jeff's for thanksgiving this year.  Didn't have to cook a single carrot. Mackenzie did an amazing job and cooked the entire meal all by herself.  Such a change from years past.  After dinner, they humored me and we went to walmart to see if I could grab the few black friday deals I needed/wanted.  We got them.  IN and OUT, no lines, no fighting.  Easy Peasy

Friday we just chilled, and did a little more shopping, relaxed and I crocheted and she knitted.  It was so nice to just be there and not have to do anything.

Saturday the three of us went shooting.  It is nice to have someone in my immediate family that has a knowledge of guns and can teach me without sounding like a smartass!  Jeff is so good about making sure we know what we need to before we shoot, and it's always fun to watch him interact with Kenz, and see the little things he does for her to show he loves her.

We sat and watched a couple Christmas movies together, and that was the only thing Christmasy we did,, no Christmas music, no decorating,, *weird for our family,, trust me!*

As much fun as it was, there was something missing....

Sunday I came home.  I am torn between putting up a tree and not putting up a tree... the main reason is my floor is all torn up due to water damage! NO BUENO!  *Lowe's is fixing it,, on their own freaking time! jerks!!,, now we have mold! but that's a whole other blog post!*

I got home yesterday and got to go out with a friend, ok so he's a little more than just a friend,, we went to dinner, then drove around Sugarhouse looking at all the amazingly overpriced houses, and their Christmas lights, talked for a bit, then went to see Mocking Jay 2...  we both loved it!  It was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.

At the risk of him reading this,, let me tell you a little about him... and why he makes me smile...

• I went to get out of the truck yesterday and he "yells" (not really yells, you know what I mean) "Hey, what are you doing?"   I pull my legs in and shut the door... chivalry is a funny thing,, you don't want the guy you are with to think you expect it, and it's so freaking awesome when they expect to do it without you saying anything.
• He holds my hand the entire time we are driving.
• He lets me talk about my husband and my son, and doesn't roll his eyes, or sigh in frustration
• He holds me when I cry and miss the old me and my old life, and just lets me cry.
• We can communicate and talk like grown ups about the things that are important to us, without upsetting the other person
• When he hugs me, he lets out a small almost inaudible sigh of happiness, (at least I hope it's happiness)
• He lets out a VERY audible sigh of contentness and happiness when I rub his back
• He is very patient and gives me the time I need to figure this new world out.
• He grins from ear to ear when I am meeting him somewhere and he spots me. (his whole face lights up, do you know what that does to me??)
• He makes me smile.
• He does the little things for me.. the things that matter

He isn't perfect!  but he does make me laugh. And I love that.  It feels good to have someone on my side again. And who knows where we will end up... for this moment, right now, it is good, and I am happy.  (I am 99% sure he is too! haha)

I know it's hard for my kids to see me dating, or hear me talk about it. But they let me. And they are supportive as well, which I am so very grateful for.

So here I go, jumping into the holiday pool head first off the high dive... figuring out how on earth I am supposed to keep going with half of my heart gone, and the other half feeling so very full....

LIFE is good, it isn't always easy, and when you make the best out of a bad situation, and just keep swimming,, life is very good. And I find myself feeling less sad and more grateful with each passing day.

So Merry Christmas everyone,, I will get my tree up,, eventually, Christmas will come, Jake will be home in 14 days, Kenz will be back up here, for his homecoming, and things will fall into place.

Kiss your loved ones, overuse I love you, hold hands, hug, and keep the real meaning of Christmas in your hearts....and know there are Angels among us, helping us through it all and putting the right people in our lives.

https://youtu.be/LUtc_olEiRY

copy and paste the above link, to listen

TICK TOCK..TICK TOCK..

I watch the hands on my living room clock continue to tick on.  Does it not realize what I would give for it to just stop,,, time... I just want it to stop right now.  So many things are happening, and I am not ready to face them as a widow.

I was doing ok today, until they mentioned the ward Christmas Breakfast on December 12, Saturday,,, different date, same day... the last thing we did as a family.  The last thing I got to do with Todd and Levi before I left for training shortly after that.  Then the musical number had me all but sobbing,, and I can't remember what that song is called that was played, but that pretty much did me in for the day...

Our Missionary comes home on December 14,, 2 more p-days and I get to hold him again.  I find myself trying desperately to fill a void that simply won't be filled... their presence will be so greatly missed.. *don't tell me they will be there,,, it's not even close to the same*,

Then Christmas,, How exactly am I supposed to do this?  I went and bought a small tree to put up, decided it was a good idea.  And bought Dr Who, and BYU ornaments,, I am on the hunt for some lego ornaments because well frankly that would make it just perfect.  I don't want to do stockings this year,,, the fun of arguing with Todd about what exactly does and does not go into a stocking is lacking this year.

*Sigh*  Then oldest daughter is getting married next year.  CAN'T TIME STOP??  What I want is to keep my missionary right where he is,, although I desperately want him home, I know he is protected and doing good in Georgia,, and frankly, I don't have to worry about him quite as much as I do when he is home... adult or not.  I want to skip Christmas,,, I want to Celebrate that we got through this very humbling year, I want to sleep all day, I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by family and friends.  I want to get through the next 6 weeks with no tears, but that likely isn't going to happen.  *sigh*

I am heading to St George for American Thanksgiving this week at my daughters house.  She commented on how we have switched places, she is super excited that I am coming,, and although I am excited,,, I am, well, I am dreading the drive.  Usually we are flipped and I am the one excited.

I am not sure I will ever again be excited like I used to be.  There is always this "element", that is missing,,,

I came across a picture the other day of Levi in a baby swing, he was either 4 or 5,, and just being a goof,, I posted it on Facebook, and was laughing so freaking hard,,  suddenly my heart literally broke and I realized I was no longer laughing, but sobbing,,, hard...  I miss them,, every single day.  It seems I wake up every day and think, OK here we go again, and I grab my smile from my nightstand and just go.  And 95.5% of the time I am genuinely happy, and ok, even great some days.... but then that stupid Grief wheel spins and I do a complete 180, and I can never find enough kleenex.

I took a "selfie" today because well, I can,, and I noticed how much this last year has worn on me.  I look tired... worn out,,, exhausted,,,, beaten down.  haha  So many gray hairs and wrinkles.... Red eyes, and I hadn't even cried yet.

I just want time to stop, but it won't, so I will keep smiling, and keep putting my feet on the ground, because frankly, the other choice is not all that appealing, I despise laying in bed wide awake.... and I will keep leaning on my Father in Heaven and my friends and family,,, and pray that 2016 goes just a little easier on all of us.

There's something to be said... *just a muddlemess of my thoughts today*

about time.  In one way it completely sucks how it just keeps ticking by...  we get up, go to work, come home, and everything is the same,, yet oddly enough, nothing is the same.  The kids have grown even just a teenie bit, they have learned, irritated, babies get older, parents die,*or they are supposed to die before the kids*.  And pain... it seems to lessen as time ticks by.

(not exactly sure how I want to say this so stay with me)

 11 months.  47 weeks, 334 days,  

 That is what tomorrow is.  That is how long it has been since I got to kiss my  husband, hug my baby, look at their warm faces. That is how long it has been since I started this journey that I never once thought I would be on.

11 months of tears,

47 weeks of heartache

334 days of continually telling myself I can do this,, and I have to do this.


11 months of love

47 weeks of support

334 days of continually knowing someone has my back


11 months of trying to fit this new skin given me

47 weeks of new friends

334 days of learning to love all over again


11 months of growth

47 weeks of discovering just how strong I really am

334 days of knowing that forgiveness is the key

the key to:

• being able to smile again,
• laugh and actually mean it,
• hear video of their voices and not break down into a sobbing blubbering mess, 
• allowing myself to be happy and falling in serious like with another human.  
• learning that in-spite of our differences we can still love and support each other
• letting go of what doesn't matter
• loving and caring more
• realizing what is really important

I sit here in awe of the road I have traveled this last year. Of the outpouring of love and friendship.  The cards and messages I have received from people thanking me for helping them, through whatever trials they are facing.  When you face your worst nightmare, does a new one replace it, or can you tackle anything else life throws your way?  *a question I am NO WHERE NEAR asking!*

People ask me if I have plans for next month,,, the 1 year mark,, my plan is the same as every other day for the last 334,, get up, get dressed,,finish putting the final touches on my son's man cave,  put a smile on my face, and hopefully, make a difference in someone else's day! 

And then the next day,, I am going to the airport to pick up my oldest son at the Airport after he has served the Lord for two very long years in Georgia. I will hug him, and kiss him, perhaps give him a smack, as I am sure he is overdue... and share him with all my family and friends *there really is no difference at this point in my life fyi!*.  

Time will keep passing, and I will continue to miss two of the most important people in my life, and as time passes, the tears become less, the laughter becomes more, the heartache lessens, and we support and continue to hold each other up as we muddle through it, and pray we each come out on top.  

Perspective...

Looking at my last few posts, I think I am emotionally gearing up for what I anticipate to be a really hard couple months.

Time to change that up just a little bit.

There seems to be something happening every single month that brings tears to my eyes. Time to reflect:

January - was a complete blur, all I remember was going on the cruise that was our Christmas present from Todd's parents... we were both looking forward to just being together...
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
New memories, every one of them with my inlaws... laughing, crying, joking, exploring foreign places, ziplining through an absolutely gorgeous lush green forest.. smiling

February - Jake's birthday, and the nationally known suck up to your spouse day,,,
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...
Jake got a year older, and I survived it! haha
Valentines Day is still overrated in my books.. never liked it when Todd was here, still don't, I think it's a ridiculously over-commercialized  holiday.
(the rest of February is still a blur as well! go figure)

March - Levi's birthday.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... That the boy I raised is now a man!  I still marvel at how old he looked the last time I saw him.  Such a handsome young man.  All in white... ready for what ever his next mission was.  And that memory brings a smile to my face, and yes I still blink back the tears, and I probably always will, and that is OK!

April - Easter
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... My Savior Lives!  And Families are Forever because of my Savior.

May - Mother's Day, and our Anniversary
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things.... I am loved beyond measure.  I am continually blown away by the amount of love you all continue to shower me with!

June - Father's Day, and Kenzie's birthday (some years these two events are on the same day!)
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...  My kids have the BEST dad in the whole world!  And he is still with them continually guiding them and comforting them and for that I am truly grateful!

July - Kenz and I took a road trip that both excited us and terrified us.
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... No matter what I love that girl, and she loves me, and together, (along with her brother), we can do hard things!  I think this is when things started to turn for me, when the fog lifted, when I felt like I could breath again.  Her and I got to honestly spend time together, just us, no Dad to be a buffer, no distractions, just us.. and I honestly can not think of a time when I have laughed harder or loved her more, and realized I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming.  I don't have to agree with all her choices, and she knows I don't, and I know she doesn't agree with all of mine, and that doesn't matter,, what matters is LOVE,, we love each other, and we support each other.

August - A 5k for Team Todd and Levi, and my birthday
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things...  I am loved beyond measure.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I am in awe of all the love and support

September - Back to School, and court
What I took away from it: I can and will continue to do hard things... As all my friends are posting pics of their kids getting ready for their first day at Middle School, I cried.  My heart ached, yet on the other hand, I sighed with relief at the thought of all the money I didn't have to spend on school fees,supplies, lunches, weird I know,, but it gave me comfort. haha.  Court,,, I survived, and I am still smiling,, let's leave it at that. Although it does give me comfort to hear from close friends, when I say they should've been there to see the Judge's reaction to what the driver said, and my friends say,, "I couldn't have done it,, I would've lost it.. etc etc"  Guess I am not so much crazy!

October - Todd's birthday, Canadian Thanksgiving,  Halloween
What I took away from it:  I can and will continue to do hard things... Friendships are amazing, love conquers all, and there is much to be thankful for! I am seeing friends post pics of carving pumpkins with their littles, and my heart aches,,, I have no clue why,,,,I HATE CARVING PUMPKINS!!!  Now I have no reason to hate it? haha who knows!

November - Thanksgiving, Black Friday shopping
What I will take away from it:  I can and will continue to do hard things... Don't laugh, black friday shopping is HUGE for our household!  I haven't been able to do it for years due to having to work, so I am looking forward to spending thanksgiving with Kenz and Jeff at their house, and shopping for a wedding on the absolute craziest day of the year!

December - An anniversary I would rather not have, My missionary comes home, Christmas
What I will take away from it: I can AND WILL continue to do hard things...
I will smile, I will cry, I will celebrate their lives, I will hug that young man THE SECOND I see his face, I will be surrounded by  loved ones as we celebrate our Savior's birth.

I have been sitting here all month dreading this quarter.  Dreading the things that are coming up.

 My perspective has been way off.

 What an incredible journey we have been on this last year!!  Alot of falling, picking ourselves up, brushing ourselves off and carrying on, a lot of tears, love, new friendships, old friendships rekindled, alot of hugs, I love you's....

 This new skin feels weird,,and I am still trying to figure out and maneuver through this new Me as I go,  and just like every other thing we face in life, there is no manual,.. there is no how to book. OK OK,  there are books on grief, but honestly,, BLECH! no one can tell you how to do this,, grief is personal, my grief is so different from my parents, Todd's parents, my kids, our friends...*not at all any greater or less than theirs,, just different!*   This is a stumble and learn process like everything else.

 I have done things I never ever thought I could. I have said "see you soon" to two of  people I love most, way before I ever thought I would have to, I have made decisions I never thought I would be making at this point in my life, I have made mistakes, I have forgiven what I thought was impossible to forgive, even when forgiveness has not been asked for, *I still chuckle at that whole court scenario*, I have become a new person,, and through it all,,, I know...

I can and I will continue to do hard things!  Just like the rest of you!

 And we will continue to love and support each other as we stumble through our own personal journey's.

Grief cycle, over and over and over

My life....  seems to be one big emotional pitfall, I can go from gleefully happy to an emotion tornado in 2.2 seconds.  Go figure.

In 1994, I was a  single parent, with a toddler and expecting another baby.  My ex husband had decided that drugs were more important than his family.  And to be honest, I was grateful.  I had tried to do the right thing by getting married, but let's face it,, not every one is cut out to co-habitate.  It took me a couple years to get the single parenting down to an art form, and I did it.  It was me, my beautiful girl, and boy.  We totally rocked it.  We could conquer anything,, as long as we were together.  We didn't need anyone else in our lives,, let alone someone who didn't want to be there.

8 years, it was just us... the dream team.  Seriously, those were some of the best years of my life... I can almost guarantee that these 2 gems of mine will have a different version of what life was like, but I loved it.  Although something was definitely missing,, we plugged along. We ROCKED!! 

 I was a hard mom, my kids answered me with a Yes Ma'am, or No Ma'am,, they had chores, they had to clean their rooms,, most of the time... usually when I ventured into their rooms, and couldn't walk on the floor without damaging my feet in some weird way.  God bless Legos!

I also was a protective mom, I drove my kids to school,, they didn't get to walk until they were much much older and we were much much closer., *granted we lived in a town of about 2500 people, and many told me I needed to cut the apron strings, but I still drove them until we lived within sight of the school*  They were allowed to walk home with friends, but they had to be home within a certain time frame. 

 Many nights I would cry myself to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, and worry that I was somehow screwing up my children that the Lord had trusted me with.  

Oh what I would give to go back to that time,, the time I thought I would never survive.  The time I thought was the hardest trial I would ever have to deal with.  Little did I know...

I go back and forth between who I miss more... There are days I am comforted that Todd no longer suffers and is in constant pain,, and there are days I am comforted that Levi no longer has to face the trials of this earthly life... 

I remember the day the kids first met Todd, Kenz asked me if they were supposed to call him Dad, and my response was, "well let's wait until he marry's me ok babe?"  I still didn't believe that I was deserving of such happiness,,,  I remember when we got married, Kenz and Jake were so excited!!  After we said our I do's, little 7 yr old Jacob climbed up on Todd's lap,, wrapped his little arms around Todd's neck and said with complete joy and trust "Now my family is complete!" and planted a kiss on his dad's lips! Todd was beaming, Jake was gloriously happy, Kenz was as well, and we couldn't wait to start our lives together! 

 Then came Levi! Due to huge leaps and bounds in technology, we were able to find out what we were having when we went for an ultrasound..  I will never forget showing Kenz the picture of the ultrasound showing we were expecting a boy.  Never have I seen a child more upset! haha  She was livid,, to the point of tears that we weren't having a girl.  

Never have I seen that emotion flip so quickly as it did when she first laid eyes on her baby brother...  Instant love.  That motherly instinct came out loud in that little 9 yr old girl!!!  She loved him. 

Today, I am blogging simply because my heart is bursting,, with emotion.  I miss him,, and him.. and never though I would be a single parent again,, we have gone full circle.  It's just the three of us...  and it feels weird, wrong..  I am back to crying myself to sleep some nights out of fear that I am screwing up the two kids that I have left.. 

Kenz called me this morning to chat and I just started crying... No idea why.  Honestly thought I was out of tears, it's been so long since they have fallen... sigh.

Luckily, the people I work with, are used to seeing me crying,, poor peeps! haha

Today I am missing being a mum, and a wife.  My goal was to get through January without losing it... Today my goal is to get through today...  

Today I am grateful for eternal families

For friends, new and old

for the ability to love again

for the ability to be hurt, for that means I have loved

for the ability to cry

the ability to laugh

the ability to be happy

Today, I allow myself to be sad,I will let the tears fall, I will pick myself up and keep moving forward... Today I miss them and I am grateful.

People ask how I get through each day, and I can honestly tell you I have no idea,, except I have two men looking out for me and possibly blocking that which makes me sad from my mind, most days,,, I like to think on the days I am sad, they are busy with their other kids and siblings, making sure they are looked after, and the rest of the family.  The tears are coming less and less and that is a huge relief.  Sometimes they just have to fall.  

Be the BEST YOU you can be!

This didn't start out being a motivational blog, when I started blogging in 2013, when Todd got sick.  It was just a place where I could vent, and quickly relay information to our families.

Besides when I try to get motivational, I sound all cocky, and bullheaded,, and truly I am not.  AT ALL!.. not when it comes to being me anyway.

My goal through this life is to simply be the best ME that I can be,, that is seriously hard enough.  I don't have time to be perfect, my house could be cleaner,, probably should be cleaner, considering there are only two of us living there and we are both only there part time.... My life should probably be more organized. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, I like order and structure, but I love spontaneity.  Nothing thrilled me more, then when Todd would walk in the door and say "let's go to california with the kids for the weekend"  and we, well I, would pack us up, and be ready when they got home from school that day!

Life is hard... sometimes it downright sucks butt.. *sorry mum*.  And when HUGE things happen they can make it harder.  I look back on our lives, and there are so many things we should have done differently,, we should've saved money when Todd was raking it in, we should have taught the kids how to be financially responsible, we should have loved more and yelled less, hugged more and spanked less, enjoyed each other more and shushed less.

I was lucky in that I was older when we were blessed with Levi, I realized that the little things, didn't matter.  Who really cares if you have cereal for dinner, 4 days a week? Who said it was just for breakfast to begin with?  Why can't we have dessert first?  Who said appetizers can't be strawberry shortcake?  Who says you shouldn't wear that swimming suit?  Or wear those 6 inch heels?  *ok stay with me here, there are clothes that are definitely made for the teenie tinys out there, and for women with curves, we do need to dress for the body we have, not the one we wish we had!* I got numerous dandelion boquets, and they sat on my counter in a glass, I was told to watch this or asked to listen to looooooooooooooong drawn out, intensely detailed stories of dreams, and admittedly I tuned out most of what was said to me,, *wish I could change that too dang it!*

I am grateful that when all my kids were little, I put on that swimming suit and got in the water with them.. Although even now, I look at pictures, and think *UGH ARE YOU KIDDING ME?*,, my kids look at the same picture and say "Oh I remember this, this is when I jumped off the high diving board and you caught me mum!"  They dont see the whale of a body that has grabbed them from the depths of the water they just plunged feet first into,, they see unconditional love and acceptance.  They feel trust towards that unconditional love and acceptance.

I can hardly wait to have little people around again,, seriously.  I can't wait to get on the floor and play cars, or barbies, or whatever freaking gender correct toy they come out with by this time. I can't wait to watch the ants scurry on the ground preparing for winter, while holding a little's hand.  To hike up a mountain and talk with my tween grand kids, to let them know they are the most important people in so many peoples lives.

Yes.. I post the ugly pictures, I send them to friends, to my kids, because there will come a day when that is all they have, and I am hoping when that day comes, They will look at those pictures of their dorkie Mum and remember her laugh, her smile, the look in her eyes, when they caught her just looking at them for no reason, and maybe, just maybe, they can laugh, and smile and feel all the love I have for them overflowing on a daily basis!

I put this on facebook and the likes and comments were almost instantaneous, 

I have many flaws. I don't particularly like my picture being taken.. I really don't like getting in a swimming suit, and there are other things I don't particularly like doing. HOWEVER, once I am gone, all my family will have left is memories of doing things with me, and the pictures that we took. I love that my kids have memories of playing in the pool with me, in the lake, they don't know that I wanted to puke every time I saw myself in the mirror with the swim suit on, they don't know how uncomfortable I was walking in front of people, they don't see my chubby face in the pic, they see my smile, they are flooded with memories of laughter and love, of happiness and being together. Life is too short to be nit picky. So put on that swim suit,, We all feel just as uncomfortable,,, take that picture with your babies, , Post it, share it, and know you are loved beyond words.

 Then I got a message from a sweet lady I met years ago... 

You may not remember me as I met you years ago. I went to school with your Mom. She was my best friend. I love your posts and blogs. You are so honest and so human with no pretenses to be perfect and I love this. Hope you keep inspiring us all.

You are sisters with a friend of mine, I think,, what is your maiden name?

                                                                               Thank you so much for your sweet words

I'd love to give you many HUGS so I hope you feel this one across the miles and sometimes I feel that need of hugs too.

Thank you! I accept all hugs,, my goal is to help one person, who thinks their life is crappy,, if I can help them see the silver lining,, then my work is a success

being perfect takes too much work,, and it's hard enough just trying to be me

I love you for who you are and keep up the good work of helping us all.

Thank you! I hope you have an amazing day!

You have already made my day. Thanks

 The meer fact that I am being told that I am an inspiration is overwhelming.  This blog was simply a place for me to vent, to get through this crap we call life.. and to come out a better person for it. That is all I want. So I will keep posting, and blogging, and if it can help just one person, remember what is truly important, and get them through their crappy day.. then YAY!!!  

 just me being crazy!!!

I have friends that went to the cemetery with me yesterday,, and we took this picture,, I wish my one friend would stop seeing the negative in every picture,, these girls are gorgeous! ALL 3 OF THEM!! And the strength of the two on each side inspires me.. to keep going!  I see no flaws in this picture, I see love, and happiness, and friendships that I am forever grateful for... *she may kill me for posting the pic so if I don't blog soon,, call the cops! ;-)*  I love these two ladies so very much and am honored to call them both friend!!

Now,, who wants lunch?? I will order the appetizers for us! :-)

Carry on, Carrying on...

It has been a weekend of memories, friendships and love!!  I am so completely overwhelmed with the love I feel from people that have never even met my husband and son...  seriously!

This is what I was expecting to be the hardest weekend for me yet.  It's a weekend full of traditions in our family.  It's Canadian Thanksgiving,, *the American's are the ones who decided to freaking change it to November, the losers!, back during WW1 or 2,, can't remember which,, google it!* and it's Todd's birthday,, cue tears.... wait, what,, no tears... just love and happiness!

I got asked to go camping with a friend on Friday, I don't camp,, like at all! haha well I never used to.  It was fun.  I met a bunch of new people, and I got out of the house, on my own and ventured into the unknown with NO ONE holding my hand.  YAY ME!!!  *seriously I freaking rock!, no lie*

Saturday I finally was able to go to a BYU game.  The very thought of entering the stadium without Todd with me, scared the crap right out of me... I have wanted to go all season, but let my anxiety win every time and just didn't do it... until Saturday,, *dun dun duuunnnnnnn* I had a couple friends go with me, and OH EMM GEEE we had a blast! My anxiety that I had been anticipating all day was nonexistent. It was like Todd was right there with me the whole game,,, well until half time when I went to text him "DUDE You are missing THE best game right now"  bahahahaha I texted Kenz instead when I realized what I was going to do, and yep I laughed about it, because let's face it, He totally had the best seats in the house!  It was our tradition that at every touchdown BYU scored we would kiss,, so one of my friends stepped up and filled that spot for me,, haha kisses on the cheek between friends is the next best thing! *who wouldn't wanna kiss this??*

Saturday night I got home late, and walked in to my sweet girl, her fiance, and their friends waiting for me to get home!  We had so much fun!  We laughed, played,, I jumped on Jeff,, seriously love that kid, and am thrilled he is going to be part of my family!

  Sunday morning we got up and started cooking our holiday feast!

We went to the cemetery on Sunday in between all the fun, how I wish desperately I could take this pain and heartache from my babies,,,

 Can I tell you Kenz makes a bomb turkey! And I love that she wants to do it,, every year!  Unfortunately, in the USA turkeys are few and far between until the END of October, so all we could get was a 15 lb bird,, to feed 45 people,, so I sent Kenz to Smiths' to grab a ham at the 11th hour and we threw that in the oven!  Everyone that came brought something to share, We, well everyone else, sang Happy birthday to Todd, I struggled with it, I wanted to do it, but I couldn't sing, I just sat there feeling so completely overwhelmed at the love these people, most of whom have never met him or Levi, gathered around to break bread with me, love me, to encourage me to do the hard things, and let me know they are proud of what I overcome on a daily basis...  There are no words to express how much each and everyone of you mean to me!  And I guarantee you will be greeted on the other side by a man with tears of love and gratitude streaming down his face as he thanks you for loving me through this!

Today is his birthday.  Today he would be 45.  Today I would take him out to dinner, shower him with love and presents, Today Levi would rummage through his room and find the perfect thing to give his dad.  Today I would wake him up with a kiss and tell him how very much I love him....

Today I am going to have lunch with two of my best friends.. girls who have never met this man, who tell me continually they can't wait to meet him and how much they love him for loving me. Today I will go to the cemetery and put a balloon on his headstone, and a flower for our boy.. I will go out for dinner with his parents.  Today I will smile as I feel his arms around me, as I feel his love for me and my love for him fill me to the brim.

Today I will take a moment, maybe shed some tears, most definitely laugh at the memories. And Tomorrow, I will carry on, carrying on.

Jeff Johnson!

Sean Salisbury and his Nephew Daxon

Spencer Boster and Aubree Bryant

Teresa Salisbury!

Mom and Dad Johnson,
Photobomber Carlie Parslow

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Jeff,, So much fun at this game!

Me and Cable!  GO COUGS!!!!

I love this picture so stinking much I put it in twice!

Me and Tom, thanksgiving dinner!

Pity party for 1,,, warning: rambling and venting session, probably makes no sense at all

I am having a rough couple weeks... There are a couple things going on that I have no control over, and I am ok with that.  I am just tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions, or for trying to control what is NOT theirs to control.

Here is the bottom line:

I miss my husband.  I miss my son.

Every 

single

 day.

  And although I miss them dearly, so much so it physically hurts me at times, I am ready to be happy again.  Whether that be with someone, or on my own.  So right now. I am working on the on my own part.  I find it funny that I am ok to be home alone, but the thought of going out alone still terrifies me.  Why is that? I get home and I am content.  I can go to bed, alone, *sad I know*, I wake up, I can putter around the house... *I have yet to go downstairs alone though oddly enough, that in and of itself terrifies me to my very core!*

It's Todd's 25 year mission reunion tomorrow.  I want to go, so badly.  I want to avoid it.. so badly.
We went together to his 20 year reunion and I met amazing people!!  People I happily call my friends today.  So I know I won't be alone.. and I know Todd will  be there in spirit with me,. but damn it, sometimes that just isn't enough!! He has been in spirit with me the last almost 10 months.

10 months,, seriously, has it be that long????/

10 months... seriously how has it only been 10 months????


I am asked almost daily what I want,, so here is my list of what I want:

•  I want to be happy with who I am
•  I want someone to sweep me off my feet again!
•  I want to be someone's priority
•  I want to no longer feel abandoned
•  I want to stop crying
•  I want to come home to someone who is there waiting to hold me, wrap his arms around me and hug me while I just cry and know they don't have to say anything or do anything but just let me sob, and not feel awkward about it.  (yea I said HIS! and no there is no particular he at this point!) 
•  I want to drink lots of alcohol so I don't feel this pain anymore
•  I want to not care, about anything
•  I want to care so much not one person on the earth ever feels unloved
•  I want friends who don't judge because I do things differently than they do
•  I want to move forward
•  I want to not want to drink so I remember every little feeling.
•  I want to see what the future holds
•  I want to go back in time
•  I want to deny what I know to be the truth without guilt
•  I want to shout that I believe and I have faith in the Atonement from the roof tops
•  I want to hug the driver and tell him I love him
•  I want to never lay eyes on him again
•  I want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep and not wake up
•  I want to live to see my children be happy
•  I want this to stop
•  I want my life back.
•  I want my life to be finished.  (do not read too much into this geesh!!!!!! if I get one phone call from a social worker I swear....)

See how conflicting grief can be!!!

It's Todd's birthday in a couple weeks, 11 days to be exact.  It's a monday.  I have to work.  I want to wake up and it be tuesday instead.  I am tired of the firsts that keep coming.  I am tired of thinking I have a handle on everything then BAM! out of no where, at the most inopportune times the tears just fall!  no noise, just tears!

 so help me if one more person says they are amazed at my strength, I can not be held responsible for what happens!!  I am not trying to be strong! I SWEAR!!! I want nothing more than to be weak,, to let someone else be the "ADULT" for a while.. unfortunately there is no one else..  and bills must be paid, kids must be loved... dogs must be fed.  Sigh

There is a stages of grief picture I have some where that is excellent at portraying where I am in all this crap..... I just need to find it.

Thanks for letting me vent....

Just Let Go! Take 2

It's a process, letting go.  Just when you think you have left it behind, something comes along and smacks you right back down! You pick yourself up, stop the room from spinning, just in time to BAM! be hit down again.  AND IT SUCKS!

There seems to be no end in sight.  It's a continuous, vicious cycle.  So it seems.  Until you realize sometimes, most things, are beyond your control, and the best thing you can do, is step aside, so the next BAM! misses you, or at least doesn't knock you completely off your feet.

I learned this a few years ago, when my best friend decided I had done something to completely offend her, and she cut me out of her life, no chance to explain, just cut right out.  I was drowning in grief.  This was someone who was my confidant, who I vented to and she vented to me about kids, husbands, and how much life completely sucked sometimes.  I was frantic to fix what I didn't realize was broken.  It took Todd, over a period of about 6-8 months, *I'm nothing if not stubborn!*, lovingly reminding me this was not mine to fix. I had done nothing wrong.  And what was perceived as my wrong doing had been apologized for over and over.  I had done everything I could, I had to just let it go.  It hurt so bad.  I was mourning the loss of someone who I loved as much, if not more, than family, someone who had become so dear to me I would do anything for her.  And I couldn't stop it.  She wanted out, it was her choice, it was hers to control.  All I could control was what I learned from this experience and how I reacted to it.

Fast forward 3-4 years. I still miss her, or rather what we had.  I have become stronger for it. I learned I can stand through the worst storms, I can be an incredible friend, and I hope that I am one, and I can smile through most anything.

I never really thought about that process of letting go of that grief, that anger of being wrongly accused, until last night, when I saw the most incredible movie

JUST LET GO!!

I had to give it back to her. I couldn't control what she had decided to do, no more than I could control the man who decided to drive that night in December.  It was time to move forward.

Watching this movie, there were scenes where I could physically feel Chris William's pain, his heartache, his anger, his trying to make things right for his kids.  His struggle between doing the right thing and seeking justice.  I felt it right along with him. 

I learned it is ok to forgive, and be at peace one minute, and feel complete anger the next.  It's a roller coaster ride.  One we never asked to be on, one we would love nothing more than to get off of, and just when we think it is coming to a stop, there's a downward hill and we are picking up speed.  

All we can do, all I can do, is hang on to that night... the feeling of peace, of knowing as much as I want someone to blame, as much as people kept telling me to go after the driver, the city, the state, I had to hang on to what I heard that night.  There is no denying it on my part.  As much as I want to some days...

This is God's will, your job is to forgive and give back to Him control.  Let Him carry this for you.

Does God not remember who I am?  I am a control freak, I like to know where, when, why, how and who! and find a solution to fix things that are broken!  And now, NOW I have to let God look after this????

I go back and forth between blaming the driver, and seeing the Lord's hand in all this.  Mostly I see the Lord's hand.  I know this is how things were supposed to play out.  I know I agreed to this and I promised I would do my very best to get back to my Savior.  

It's easier said than done.. that's for sure.  Some days I want to feel the hate, fuel the fire so to speak.. some days that VOID that is ever present in my life, is like a big neon sign that will not lose power.

And some days, I smile, whistle even.  

I am allowed to be happy, angry, frustrated, loved, lonely, sad, at peace, tearful.  I am allowed to move forward, not forgetting what has happened, for that is what is shaping me into a whole new person, but forgiving what has happened.

Someone asked me recently if I have truly given this back to the Lord,, and I didn't know how to answer that then... after last night, I can yes,, Yes I have truly given it back to the Lord.  Sometimes I get a little piece of it within my reach and I grab it quickly and hold it tight for a second... and I am allowed to do this,, if only to remember why I gave it back to Him.  So yes,,, this is the Lord's burden to carry,, *poor guy!* 

I try to see the good in all things, I cringe when my friends complain about their kids, *I want them to know their kids are just being kids,,, and not trying to upset the parental cart*
 I long to wrap the crying parent in my arms and tell them, this too shall pass,,and yes YOU WILL MISS THIS!,

I want to pick up the struggling teenager and tell them life is supposed to be hard, if it was easy, what fun would it be.
 I want to encourage them to express themselves, and be polite, to see ahead of the moment they are in right now, and how it all works out in the end.

It is a daily job, to Just Let Go, it's a conscious decision we each have to make, every single day...  

So many quotes I heard in the movie that I wish I could remember,,,,,

I guess I will just have to go see it again!