In 1994, I was a single parent, with a toddler and expecting another baby. My ex husband had decided that drugs were more important than his family. And to be honest, I was grateful. I had tried to do the right thing by getting married, but let's face it,, not every one is cut out to co-habitate. It took me a couple years to get the single parenting down to an art form, and I did it. It was me, my beautiful girl, and boy. We totally rocked it. We could conquer anything,, as long as we were together. We didn't need anyone else in our lives,, let alone someone who didn't want to be there.
8 years, it was just us... the dream team. Seriously, those were some of the best years of my life... I can almost guarantee that these 2 gems of mine will have a different version of what life was like, but I loved it. Although something was definitely missing,, we plugged along. We ROCKED!!
I was a hard mom, my kids answered me with a Yes Ma'am, or No Ma'am,, they had chores, they had to clean their rooms,, most of the time... usually when I ventured into their rooms, and couldn't walk on the floor without damaging my feet in some weird way. God bless Legos!
I also was a protective mom, I drove my kids to school,, they didn't get to walk until they were much much older and we were much much closer., *granted we lived in a town of about 2500 people, and many told me I needed to cut the apron strings, but I still drove them until we lived within sight of the school* They were allowed to walk home with friends, but they had to be home within a certain time frame.
Many nights I would cry myself to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, and worry that I was somehow screwing up my children that the Lord had trusted me with.
Oh what I would give to go back to that time,, the time I thought I would never survive. The time I thought was the hardest trial I would ever have to deal with. Little did I know...
I go back and forth between who I miss more... There are days I am comforted that Todd no longer suffers and is in constant pain,, and there are days I am comforted that Levi no longer has to face the trials of this earthly life...
I remember the day the kids first met Todd, Kenz asked me if they were supposed to call him Dad, and my response was, "well let's wait until he marry's me ok babe?" I still didn't believe that I was deserving of such happiness,,, I remember when we got married, Kenz and Jake were so excited!! After we said our I do's, little 7 yr old Jacob climbed up on Todd's lap,, wrapped his little arms around Todd's neck and said with complete joy and trust "Now my family is complete!" and planted a kiss on his dad's lips! Todd was beaming, Jake was gloriously happy, Kenz was as well, and we couldn't wait to start our lives together!
Then came Levi! Due to huge leaps and bounds in technology, we were able to find out what we were having when we went for an ultrasound.. I will never forget showing Kenz the picture of the ultrasound showing we were expecting a boy. Never have I seen a child more upset! haha She was livid,, to the point of tears that we weren't having a girl.
Never have I seen that emotion flip so quickly as it did when she first laid eyes on her baby brother... Instant love. That motherly instinct came out loud in that little 9 yr old girl!!! She loved him.
Today, I am blogging simply because my heart is bursting,, with emotion. I miss him,, and him.. and never though I would be a single parent again,, we have gone full circle. It's just the three of us... and it feels weird, wrong.. I am back to crying myself to sleep some nights out of fear that I am screwing up the two kids that I have left..
Kenz called me this morning to chat and I just started crying... No idea why. Honestly thought I was out of tears, it's been so long since they have fallen... sigh.
Luckily, the people I work with, are used to seeing me crying,, poor peeps! haha
Today I am missing being a mum, and a wife. My goal was to get through January without losing it... Today my goal is to get through today...
Today I am grateful for eternal families
For friends, new and old
for the ability to love again
for the ability to be hurt, for that means I have loved
for the ability to cry
the ability to laugh
the ability to be happy
Today, I allow myself to be sad,I will let the tears fall, I will pick myself up and keep moving forward... Today I miss them and I am grateful.
People ask how I get through each day, and I can honestly tell you I have no idea,, except I have two men looking out for me and possibly blocking that which makes me sad from my mind, most days,,, I like to think on the days I am sad, they are busy with their other kids and siblings, making sure they are looked after, and the rest of the family. The tears are coming less and less and that is a huge relief. Sometimes they just have to fall.
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