Pity party for 1,,, warning: rambling and venting session, probably makes no sense at all

I am having a rough couple weeks... There are a couple things going on that I have no control over, and I am ok with that.  I am just tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions, or for trying to control what is NOT theirs to control.

Here is the bottom line:

I miss my husband.  I miss my son.

Every 

single

 day.

  And although I miss them dearly, so much so it physically hurts me at times, I am ready to be happy again.  Whether that be with someone, or on my own.  So right now. I am working on the on my own part.  I find it funny that I am ok to be home alone, but the thought of going out alone still terrifies me.  Why is that? I get home and I am content.  I can go to bed, alone, *sad I know*, I wake up, I can putter around the house... *I have yet to go downstairs alone though oddly enough, that in and of itself terrifies me to my very core!*

It's Todd's 25 year mission reunion tomorrow.  I want to go, so badly.  I want to avoid it.. so badly.
We went together to his 20 year reunion and I met amazing people!!  People I happily call my friends today.  So I know I won't be alone.. and I know Todd will  be there in spirit with me,. but damn it, sometimes that just isn't enough!! He has been in spirit with me the last almost 10 months.

10 months,, seriously, has it be that long????/

10 months... seriously how has it only been 10 months????


I am asked almost daily what I want,, so here is my list of what I want:

•  I want to be happy with who I am
•  I want someone to sweep me off my feet again!
•  I want to be someone's priority
•  I want to no longer feel abandoned
•  I want to stop crying
•  I want to come home to someone who is there waiting to hold me, wrap his arms around me and hug me while I just cry and know they don't have to say anything or do anything but just let me sob, and not feel awkward about it.  (yea I said HIS! and no there is no particular he at this point!) 
•  I want to drink lots of alcohol so I don't feel this pain anymore
•  I want to not care, about anything
•  I want to care so much not one person on the earth ever feels unloved
•  I want friends who don't judge because I do things differently than they do
•  I want to move forward
•  I want to not want to drink so I remember every little feeling.
•  I want to see what the future holds
•  I want to go back in time
•  I want to deny what I know to be the truth without guilt
•  I want to shout that I believe and I have faith in the Atonement from the roof tops
•  I want to hug the driver and tell him I love him
•  I want to never lay eyes on him again
•  I want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep and not wake up
•  I want to live to see my children be happy
•  I want this to stop
•  I want my life back.
•  I want my life to be finished.  (do not read too much into this geesh!!!!!! if I get one phone call from a social worker I swear....)

See how conflicting grief can be!!!

It's Todd's birthday in a couple weeks, 11 days to be exact.  It's a monday.  I have to work.  I want to wake up and it be tuesday instead.  I am tired of the firsts that keep coming.  I am tired of thinking I have a handle on everything then BAM! out of no where, at the most inopportune times the tears just fall!  no noise, just tears!

 so help me if one more person says they are amazed at my strength, I can not be held responsible for what happens!!  I am not trying to be strong! I SWEAR!!! I want nothing more than to be weak,, to let someone else be the "ADULT" for a while.. unfortunately there is no one else..  and bills must be paid, kids must be loved... dogs must be fed.  Sigh

There is a stages of grief picture I have some where that is excellent at portraying where I am in all this crap..... I just need to find it.

Thanks for letting me vent....