It is the best of days,, it is the worst of days

I love going to church.   I love the comfort the spirit gives,,   I love the feeling of peace as I renew my covenants every week,,  I used to love singing,, and I still do,, most songs I can even get through without tears streaming down my face.

Today was no exception.  I used to be in my seat at least 10 minutes early, if not I was late,, however, lately I leave my house about 3 minutes before my meetings begin.  I pray I can slip in, and get through sacrament without tears streaming down my face.  It is so hard to see these boys,, most of them friends of my son, my baby, passing the sacrament, and know I will not be able to see him do this in this life.  I miss him.  I miss rubbing his head in sacrament meeting.  I miss telling him to be quiet or fold his arms, I miss feeling him lay his head on my lap and ask me to lightly scratch his back.  I miss his laugh.

I miss holding Todd's hand during prayers, or snuggling into his arm during dry council sunday! I miss his smell,, I miss how he balanced me out,, he kept me calm, he loved me like no one else every has or will... he lived for me!~ HE was my rock! my safe place,, I miss everything about THEM!

I was downstairs the other night with some friends, and kinda looked around, and noticed Levi's scriptures just sitting there,, waiting for him.  (I haven't held it together well since then!)  I started looking through his hospital pics of when he was born, and his baby album,, I didn't take nearly enough pictures.  I thought I took too many.

There isn't enough pics of Todd and I together either.  only 12 years worth.  Looks more like 3 years worth to me.  My heart hurts today... aches really.  feels empty,, broken, incomplete.  I am surrounded by friends and people that love me, all day, every day, but the nights are always the same.  The house is always empty, well I have my dog, but she stinks! haha, and she never asks me how my day was.  :-)

I have so many pictures that need to be hung downstairs and in our master bedroom, but there they sit,, on my coffee table,, collecting dust.. sometimes I think,, why bother, I don't wont be going downstairs,,, or all I look at in our bedroom in the tv anyway.  Maybe I'll just put them in a box, so at least my living room looks less cluttered. 

Guess I will just keep going to bed every night and pleading for dreamless sleeps, (everytime I take anything to help me sleep I have very vivid dreams, so it's either, dont sleep, or dream dreams you don't want to dream), get up every morning, greet each day with a smile, and know that my Father has this,, and I will see them again,, soon,,,,,

this helps,,,
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng#watch=video

love love love

Nights still suck.....

I can handle getting up in the morning, and the dark silence of my house.  I can handle coming home after work to a quiet house,,, I can even handle eating alone,, mostly.  It's when the dark comes that I have the hardest time.  That was our time. We would sit in bed and watch tv, me resting my head on his knee as his arm was draped over my back.  Levi would often come join us and be hopping back and forth between my arms and his dad's pokes.  *and here ends my two day no tears streak*

I had a great day today,, my day off, and I seriously did nothing!!!  I got up, went for my walk, did my squats, came home and watched the first three fast and furious DVDs.  Then had a few friends stop by, just to say hi, which is awesome!!, then I went to dinner with a friend and his kids and we went shopping for church clothes for his girls,, men have no fashion sense!!  It was so fun to be out and shop for little girls again! ,, and they had fun too trying on different dresses and picking which ones they wanted.

Then I came home and was doing great until about an hour ago,, sitting here, watching number 5 of fast and furious,,,, and got crazy lonely...it's harder for me to stay busy at night, I don't drive in the dark unless I'm coming home from work, and I certainly don't walk at night,, sigh,,.. I need a movie buddy, one I can snuggle up to and watch movies and feel completely safe.  All in good time I hope,,,, all in good time. 

Smiling..

 People always told me that it would get easier, with time..  FALSE.  It's not that it's easier, honestly, the pain is still there,,, I'm learning to smile through it.  All it takes is prayer, faith, great friends, a willingness to let the tears fall when they need to and a desire to smile again.

I have great friends,, in fact I consider them family.  I can knock on their door, text them, go for walks with them, they let me laugh, they let me cry, they let me talk over and over about the same things without rolling their eyes,,, or avoiding answering the door or texts,, so I think  lol

I could not go through this entire process without these friends!  They are my rocks, my safe places.  And I love each of them!!

Another safe place for me is work!  I find such comfort there.... and it's odd,, it was the very last store Todd and Levi were in, they bought my Christmas gifts there,, I can even tell you the exact isle.
Being there,, feeling the energy from the other employees and the customers is incredible.  I love everything about it. I love greeting the people that come in to return things, or to fix over charges,, I love ringing people through the check out and being the last smiling face they see.  I thoroughly enjoy the banter you can have with some of them!  People,, YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!

So thank you,, to the friend who answers my text when on their way home from a date, or who texts me randomly in the afternoon to make sure I am having a good day, to the friend who comes to see me at work and gives me a hug, who messages me on facebook to check in, who invites me to dinner, cause honestly, cooking for 1 sucks, who lets their kids come cause chaos in my home because they know how much I miss it, seriously.., who calls me out for not going to temple night, who let's her husband drop everything to come change the battery in my smoke detector because if I got on a chair I could fall off and hit my head and no one would know,,, the customer who was frowning in line and leaves laughing, telling my manager I rock, on his way out of the store,, the friends who understand when I need to cry, need to talk or just walk in silence,, thank you for being my rocks,, my safe place.

I catch myself smiling more and crying just a little less, I catch myself remembering the happy times and not dwelling on the emptiness,, and I like that.

 

The red heart,, I added,, the pins,, every time someone does a survey and mentions my name I get a pin....  I've been told it's never happened in the first week,, until me. 

Sometimes it's the little things,,,

That make life unbearable alone.  Two weeks ago I walked into my chapel for the first time,,,, alone.  I sat alone, by choice, and let the tears fall.  Never did I think it would be so hard to go to church.  Thanks to some fantastic friends after sacrament I was laughing and feeling so much better. 

This last week was rough.  The 2 month "anniversary" of the accident was on the 13,, then the annual, overly socialized suck up to your spouse day celebrations,, which Todd and I only ever did dinner on that day every year, there was an obvious void in my day.  Then I go to work,  there's a dozen gorgeous roses waiting for me, and a card, signed by all my coworkers, I truly have the best co workers in the entire world!!!!!

And along comes Sunday.  I'm grateful for friends that recognize when I need them to put me in a bubble and surround me with love and protection.  There are a couple reasons I have a hard time at church, Todd and Levi being gone are only one of them.  But know that not one is my strength of faith or desire to be there.  I may tell you about them another day.... Just not today

Certain lyrics in hymns bring tears to my eyes, oh who are we kidding,,, I bawl like a baby,,, ask me what hymns and I'll tell you they are the ones numbered 1-340,, I can usually make it through the last four without tearing up,,,, USUALLY!  

Going through all this has given me an entirely new perspective on life.  Things that used to stress me out and anger me,, really don't matter.  Not in the eternal perspective.  I was sitting with my bubble buddies in relief society and listening to the lesson,, ready for this,,,,, the topic,,, ENDURE TO THE END!  *never once have I thought a separate class for singles was needed until now!, not even when I was a single parent!),, I had to leave, and it was nothing anyone said,, honest. 

 I too am guilty of getting mad at my husband for not helping around the house, not picking up his clothes,, or getting frustrated because I had to cook dinner after dealing with kids all day,, or working while he "laid in bed sick", and Levi played video games all day. However,, all I could think of on Sunday, in the middle of relief society was,,, I would give anything to have a pile of laundry to pick up, or too much noise in my house, toys to pick up, a reason to get upset... Be frustrated with my kids,,,, oh what would I give????  

As I was talking to a younger than me friend of mine, who has had his own trials over the last few months with his wife being very very sick and hospitalized, he chuckled as i explained why I left class,, and he made a very valid point,,, some people's perspective is very different than my reality.  

While some are grumbling about laundry piling up, kids not sleeping, husbands or wifes being jerks, I tear up when I find a stray sock in the back of Levi's closet, or see boys playing outside, laughing and having fun, when I see husbands open car doors for their wifes, hold their hands,, kiss the, tenderly on the cheek.  So please, when it gets too much for you, and your kids are driving you bonkers..... Call me,, I'll come to your house, I'll kiss on your babies, and get on the floor with your little ones while you take a break, it wasn't so long ago I too longed for a break,, let me revel in the caous, I could use a break,,, from my reality.

Love the annoying things, breath through their childhood, stay calm in the heat of the argument,, because one day,,, you could be sharing my reality. 

60 days,,, 2 months down, a lifetime to go

And I can do this!  I am doing this.  It's crazy ya know,, two months ago today I was kissing my sweetheart goodbye and hugging my baby boy as I walked out the door to finish my training, not knowing how drastically my life would be changing in a matter of hours.  

A lot has happened these last 60+ days,, and it's been good.  I still cry every day,, mostly,, sometimes it's just a tear welling up in my eyes, other times I quickly text my neighbor and tell him I need a punching bag,, as the tears stream down my face.  And I'm ok!  Life is good, wonderful in fact.  Because of recent events I have met people I otherwise wouldn't have met, I care more about what matters, I appreciate more, I desire less, I pray more, I laugh more, smile more, see the good in more and less of the bad.  

I walk, every morning as the sun crests the mountains and awakens the world, my house is nestled in between the mountains and I absolutely love it, the beauty, the magnitude of reality that the Lord has got everything under control. I agreed to my trials and my blessings long before I came to earth, I promised my Father in Heaven, whilst sitting on His knee that if He let me come down I would be so very good and do my best to return to Him. I let Him carry this, He has promised me that everything will be ok.  I have my eternal companion, I have my family and yep,, they are stuck with me forever.  

My head is not in the clouds, I know there are still tough days ahead,, I am still expecting tears to flow, I still miss my husband and. My son so very much. Every single day.  And I still don't sleep well, but the Lords got this.  And I'm ok with that.

Two months ago today my life changed on this earth, two months ago today I got a glimpse of my Fathers promise to me if I keep my promises to Him, so that is what I will do.  I will continue to love life, to love in general, to be a difference in someone's life who needs a smile, a laugh,, a hug, a shoulder.  I will share my story when asked and listen when needed.  I will continue to experience this glorious journey called life...

Love love love

Don't judge me because I grieve differently than you....

This is something I just can't wrap my head around.  In fact I have texted a dear friend of my family's and asked "why are the expectations of widows and widowers set so freaking high??, why do I have to be a bawling mess to be grieving?"  I seriously don't get it, and honestly I'm kinda tired of people coming up to me with a look of pity in their eyes, and saying "I'm so sorry". 

Make no mistake, I cry,,, I cry every single day, sometimes just a single tear slips out before I realize it has escaped, other times I bawl like a baby,, hugging whatever I can find that still has their scent on it.  I cry.  My heart is missing a major piece, in fact, what's left is kinda small,, almost non existent, even.  

What good would it do for me to be the bawling wreck every single day?  For starters, if my husband could, he'd slap me silly, tell me to suck it up and move on,, how do I know this,,, we talked about his death many times.  He'd tell me to get over it. Ok probably not that harsh, but he would focus on the memories and good time we shared instead of focusing on the fact that he's gone.  Levi,,, well that little ray of spunk, would bring me a dumdum and say "looks like someone needs some happiness!" , laugh his honest to goodness belly laugh, hug me, and walk away.  Yes, I have a dumdum in my purse,, I have one with me at all times,, it is my happiness.  Silly?  I really don't care,, it makes me smile.

I miss my husband and son every single moment of every single day.  I hate walking through a store and not having a hand to hold mine, I miss everything, I miss doing things with them like getting groceries, while they are fooling around in another isle, I miss heir smiles, I miss his kisses on my lips, and Levi's kisses on my forehead, I miss feeling Levi's arms wrap around me and hearing him giggle with glee over the fact that his fingers could touch, I miss hearing them both tell me they love me.  I MISS MY OLD LIFE!!! 

I went to the cemetery today, sat on the ground and bawled,,, I chatted with my men, I told them they sucked for leaving me,,,I asked why did they both have to go,, I felt their love.  I let the tears fall, I let them go.  

And I got in my car and went to get some groceries.  And it sucked, walking through the grocery store to get food for one.  I swear I heard Todd whisper, hey,, you can buy this,, this,,, and this now,, you're buying for one now baby,, enjoy it.  My bill,,,, $25. Haha *ya gotta look at the positive* that was kinda awesome.   As I walked out of the store, (who are we fooling, it was smiths of ourse,, the one I work at), a co worker was there and we almost ran into each other,, this co worker has experienced a similar loss recently and is struggling as well,, he looks at me, pulls me in for a hug and just says "I can tell you're having a moment".  We chat for a few and I head to the car.  It's nice to find someone who is experiencing something of the same at the same time,, he gets that's I can't cry every day all day,, he gets that seeing a pack of candy hearts can push me over the edge,, and it's ok.  (Just a co worker, do not read more into this than what I've written!!!!!)

We all mourn and grieve our own way,, and I get that "im so sorry" is the knee jerk thing to say when you see me, I really do get it.  How about instead of that though, you give me a hug,, ask how I'm doing,, and wait for the answer,,realizing that that is a loaded question at the moment,,  or just smile,, sometimes that is enough. (Oh please hug me, as if I am ever ok with just a smile, unless you don't wanna hug, then a smile will do) 

Life is meant to be lived, and I would miss so much if I stayed home crying all day.  It's apparent I have work to do here, otherwise I'd be with my men,, so let me be me.  I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store for me, I'm scared to be home at night, I love life, I hate being alone, I long to have a cuddle buddy, I love having the bed to myself, I'm just at the beginning of all this, and I'll figure it out as I go😉.  So don't be offended if you invite me out and I decline,, it could be a really sad moment for me,  don't wonder how I'm doing,, ask,, and know sometimes you just don't need to say anything at all, just sit beside me and let me know you're there, and other times, I'll be laughing and pointing out all the hotties in Utah!!, so laugh and help me find them,, it's really rather fun!!

The Carribean, Superbowl and oldest boy turning 20

My wonderful inlaws booked a cruise for their kids and spouses for this Christmas, last march.  No one was more excited then my husband,, he couldn't wait,,, he was saving his change, looking at different excursions to do, talking non stop about it.  January 25 came and I boarded the ship with his family, without him.  My anxiety was tangible.  At times I seriously thought it would swallow me whole, and if not for my sweet brother in law, it may have done just that.  Scott didn't leave my side the entire cruise!  I am sure we started rumors within the family, lol. It was sure nice... I almost felt whole again.

Day one we were at Sea, and Scott and I wandered the ship, enjoyed the ocean, the swaying of the ship,, and the sun,, oh that glorious sun!  and visited with everyone else!  On Tuesday we were supposed to dock in Grand Cayman, but the port officials closed the port due to high swells, 6-7 ft high,, and the tender boats couldn't get us safely to land.  That kinda sucked as we were all scheduled and paid to swim with the dolphins and sting rays,, yep I cried a little, but was a little relieved I didn't have to so that without Todd.  It was something we both looked forward to doing together.

So we got to spend an extra day at sea,, we hit Jamaica on Wednesday, Scott, Jen, Coleen, Matt, Gardner and I went ziplining through the forest,, AMAZING experience, I would do it again in a second!!!  Then Gardner, Jen, and Coleen climbed Dunns River Falls, while Scott, Matt and I enjoyed the beach. OH EMMM GEEEE  that water was soo clear, so gorgeous! 

I wandered up and down the beach, let the tears fall and just soaked it all in,, and felt todd walking right next to me.  Scott always seemed to know when I needed him right beside me and when I needed a minute alone, he was usually always within eye shot though.  *I adore him*

Thursday we hit Haiti, and enjoyed some local shopping, and laughed at the vendors who attemped to lure us in and lie to us about what they had made!  One lady pretended she couldn't speak english until I pointed out to Scott that she had cut the tag off a swimming wrap she was trying to sell me, and suddenly she says "oh I put a tag on that said made in haiti and was told I couldn't have that on there"  *the exact same wrap can be found at walmart people!*  

Friday we were at sea again on our way home.  The entire week was amazing and I am so grateful I got to spend some much needed time with our family and build memories! It was an experience of a lifetime!!

We got home last night, late,, and I am not even sure what time I passed out, got up this morning and went to stake conference,, and was feeling incrediblly happy and at peace, although I was missing Jake today,, he turned 20 today dang it!  who said he could do that! SERIOUSLY!

It's superbowl today too,,, and usually we have a party here at our house, tons of food,, friends, and birthday cake when needed... this year, I went to my friends house instead.  and lasted until half time. 

I did great until I put on the pre game show,,  

Right now,, at this moment,, I want to curl up into a ball and cry in the arms of someone who doesnt feel the need to say anything,, someone that can just hold me, let me cry,, and feel safe doing so.  I long to fall asleep knowing I am being watched and protected here in this world again.  I feel like I am living ground hog day over and over again  *I have great days with sad moments,, this is a sad moment that just wants to last a little longer I guess*

This isnt a dream,, it's not even my worst nightmare, this is my reality,, I hate it.  I see things everywhere that remind me of what I have waiting for me and I want them back now,, I dont want to keep doing this over and over....  I drive by the accident site every single day, there's no way around it, when it's right outside your front door.  I miss my kids,, I miss our kids!  I long to talk to their Dad about our 2nd child's wedding coming up in May.  I long to have him by my side as we get things together for her.  I long for him. I long for my baby.  I long for a knock on my door telling me it is all a mistake and they're ok.. I long to hold my husbands hand as the carribean sea kisses our toes.  I long to hear Levi being obnoxious.  I long for people to not feel like they're walking on eggshells around me, or worried they are offending me with every day things! I long for people to love me, but not worry about me,,, like the good old days,,,  I long to turn back time,, I long for my life back!!!

I start work tomorrow,,, I hope I can make it through the day.