well 2020 is what it is,, a slap in the face or.....

 What a year this has been!  March  came and so did Corona Virus!!  AKA Covid-19.. and for the first time in as long as I can remember, the world came together in it"s fight against this unknown illness and the rate it was taking the lives of loved ones.

Tom and I headed to St George to celebrate Levi’s birthday.  We went to Red Robin #traditions, we enjoyed each other and remembered that stinker with love. 

April, Heavens, I need to be better at updating this!!  The state went into lockdown, HQY moved everyone home for health purposes.  It’s been insane I tell you.  However during this pandemic Tom and I decided it was time to cross another item off our bucket list, and we bought our first camper!  WE LOVE IT!! Sleeps us quite comfortably!!  And it will work for a couple years, then we will get a bigger one! (I hope! LOL)

May, Tom took me out of town for memorial day weekend, so I didn’t sit and think.  We went camping and had so much fun!

June, I surprised Kenz and went to St George for her birthday.  We had a blast, went to Sand Hollow Lake and played all day with Jeff, Kenz, Jake, Emily and some of Kenzie’s friends.  We just had a blast.

July,, WE GOT MARRIED!!!  And it was gorgeous and amazing! Even through the pandemic,, yes we are still in the midst of it!  Andrea let us use her back yard, and OMG it was beautiful! We had it at 8 PM, served cake and icecream with sodas and that was all,, we had about 50 people that came.  My family and Tom’s mom could not come due to the pandemic.  They were missed, however, we were able to live stream it on facebook, so those that wanted to could see it.  I will post pictures as soon as I get them from the photographer.  We had to find one last minute because the one we had booked came in contact with someone who had covid and canceled the day before.  Luckily She is ok and we found someone to take some amazing pictures <3 

We went to Lake Powell on our honeymoon for a week.. IT was amazing, and we had so much fun.  Just us, no cell service, no kids, no dogs, no pressure!  <3 <3 <3

That brings us to August,, we went camping up in tollgate and found a camping spot that we can rent every year for $350,, June 1 - May 31.  So we are heading up there next weekend to clear the land and get it ready! SO EXCITING!!!  

Our friends Julie and Greg are getting married next week and we can’tt wait to see that happen!!  <3 <3 <3

I will post pics later.  As I get them in.  Let me just say, I am the luckiest lady in the world! 

Pangs of Grief,, keep coming, milestones too

Anyone ever tell you that you "should" be able to move on or be over the loss of a loved one please send them my way!!!

There is no timeline,, at times I desperately wish there was.  I would love to know when I can expect life to get back to "normal"  hahaha

This morning, I was sitting at my desk, working from home, and glanced at my phone and this pic popped up on my timeline from 9 years ago... 9!!!!

Man did it hit me hard! Not sure if it's because his 17th birthday is in 3 weeks, or what.  I took a break and crawled up next to Tom with tears falling down my face, telling him I miss my son.  He just wrapped his arms around me so tight and let me cry.  Man I love him so much.

He will be 17 this year!  He was 11 1/2 when he was killed.  5 1/2 years have gone by since I got to celebrate a birthday with him.  Since I got to hold him in my arms, argue with him over processed foods and what's for dinner, watched him excitedly put together the newest lego set, 5 1/2 years and I still cry like it was yesterday, when I let it.  Do I wish there was a timeline for grief,, YES,, yet I am glad there isn't as well, as life has a whole new normal now that he and his dad are gone from our lives for now.  I get to remember all the good!! And the bad,, and laugh at how absurd some of the bad was, that we chose to let be bad.  

So today, I will let the tears fall as they may, and remember all I can about my baby.  I have to remind myself that it's ok to not be STRONG every day.  It's ok to cry, and let myself be vulnerable. And it's ok to struggle with this new normal. As exciting as it is, and as happy as I am, I am allowed to still miss them both, and I am so blessed that I have people in my life that accept and EXPECT me to do exactly that.

The tears don't fall as often as they used to, every once in awhile though we all need a good cry,, we need to let the hurt hit us, no matter what the hurt is...

So,  I will just keep pushing forward, with two of my all time favorite men forever in my mind, never forgotten, and every once in a while, I will let them surface and follow my heart on letting the love I have for them leak out my eyes.  if you see me leaking, feel free to hug  me.  <3 <3 <3