Moving forward... or moving on?

I have always hated the term 'moving on', it implies something being left behind.  And for the last 15 months I have fought 'moving on'.  There was nothing to leave behind,, no bad marriage, no abuse, no horrid child, why would I move on?

Moving forward, one gets to take things with them.. memories, love, happiness, even the sadness, anger, hatred...no matter how we want to leave it behind,,It was said to me at one point in my doubting my decision that sometimes you need to physically move out of that situation in order to be able to leave that negativity behind, no matter how much you are surrounded by love and positivity!

I walked into OUR home for the final time yesterday,,,

to clean, and pick up the odds and ends that were left there on Saturday.  There were a few dings that needed to be patched so I went to work, while my friend, her girls, and "my" kids from next door, cleaned and wiped down walls, and picked up the yard.  They came and told me there were a couple dings downstairs that needed to be filled,,, *GULP*  haven't been down there since Jake moved out in December, and even then it was only for a minute or two... ok no big deal,,, I went down and patched up the holes... and then I thought "well I should check the bedroom and make sure"  It's like the tear ducts just knew when I had entered that room,, every one was up stairs cleaning and wiping and I sunk to the floor and cried for about 5 minutes.  Empty...  I hate that feeling... and that is how it felt.. completely and utterly empty. Not one sign that that sweet boy of mine had ever even been there.  No clothes tossed on the floor, no garbage in the corner, no drawings from his friends or sketches he had done hanging on the walls.  Nothing. It hurt.  So much.  To my very core, all I could think of was, "it's like he was never even here in this space"

  As I got up and headed back upstairs, I glanced in the "lego room"  the room that I was so excited to let him have.. to let him get lost in his imagination in,, to build, to create... yep,, more tears.

 I went back up to the main floor and just let it sink in for a minute, this was it.. This was my decision and mine alone to do this.. to close this chapter.  To move forward, and in essence, move on, but OH MY HELL it's harder than I ever anticipated!  Not so much the fear of never seeing my friends again, because let's face it,, no one can get rid of me that easily,, ,more of the fear of forgetting... forgetting what it sounded like to hear his laughter creep up the stairs, or hear footsteps over my head as his dad went from the bedroom to his mancave...(I had already closed the door to that room last week, and no way was I going in there again!) yes I heard those footsteps and that laughter long after they were gone. Fear of leaving behind what WE had created....

I sat in my car, after all my helpers had left, and watched the garage door close, the tears fell freely and I let them. I must have looked at the gear shift for what felt like eternity, before I finally put it into reverse and pulled away.  I let the tears fall as I drove to Smith's to grab a few things,, I let the tears fall as my own personal Nephite wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight it seemed to glue the broken together again.  And I let the tears fall as I drove up THAT street one more time headed to my new home. (only have to go up that street now IF I go to THAT Smiths, and even then I can still not go up that street!)

As I headed down the road towards my new place, peace seemed to fill the car... the tears slowed and came to a stop.. I felt arms wrap around me, and I heard someone say "Let's do this,, we got you!"

I walked into my apartment, and was greeted with....

Peace... something I have not felt continually for a long time.  Just complete and udder peace.  What bliss.

The apartment is about 85% unpacked so I was able to just sit and enjoy it for a bit before heading to bed... you know that feeling you get when you walk in the door after being gone from home for an extended period of time,, that feeling of bliss, of being home,, where you know you belong... Yea,, I felt that again,, finally,,, last night.  *actually have felt it every time I walk into my new living quarters!*

I am looking forward to moving forward,, and moving on, leaving the hate, the anger, the sadness and bringing the good, the happiness and EVERY SINGLE DROP OF ALL THAT LOVE with me.  It's a good thing!

Thanks 7652 Yellowwood lane... it's be a ride.. and one I will never forget.

Levi's 11th birthday

This is why I willing pack a blue door around with me when I move.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtQYhAcWaqw&sns=em

Cleansing the soul... letting go of the clutter

There is something empowering about moving, and being able to throw out what baggage you no longer want or need to carry with you.

March has been a rough month.  The decision to move was not one that came lightly, although it did come swiftly... dang nab it!  Honestly I am at peace with it.. 99.9% of the time... right until it hits me that this is the last home that I shared with my family... with my boys...

It's his birthday tomorrow... he is turning 13.  What I would give to be able to plan a birthday party for him.. To cover HIS door with saran wrap and fill that with balloons.. and hear his delightful laugh as he gets up in the morning and opens his door to be assaulted by balloons.  What I would give to argue with his Dad about how I don't care that we can't afford that lego set he is dying to have, I will bust my butt to get it for him.. I still can't walk down any lego isle in ANY store without having a pit the size of a sink hole in my stomach.  To make the PERFECT cake for him, whatever he is into,,, to hug him and embarrass him as he walks out the door to school.... to be able to celebrate all his awesomeness.

Instead, this year, I am sitting in a living room,, packed and filled with boxes containing what I will take with me as I move towards freedom and peace... and I am looking at this stupid door I just can't seem to throw out.. it's warped and will probably never fit any doorframe in any house I live in,.. but it's the last present I gave him... when I look at it, all I remember is his awesome excitement at seeing it,, you would've thought we had given him THAT lego set he wanted.... instead this door cost us $12 to paint and redo,,, and his reaction made up for the failure I felt like for only being able to give him this.  For not being able to give him more that year.  2 years ago... this is the second birthday that has come, without him here.... would he still be into Dr who?  I know he would be so excited for the Batman vs Superman movie coming out,,,  I desperately want to go but am scared I will bawl the entire movie.

You all think I am so strong,, and amazing,,and, and, and.....  your words not mine... I want to hide tomorrow....  I want to hide from now until Tuesday.  I want to knock on one particular person's door and slap him, punch him so hard in the gut he can't catch his breathe!,,, I want him to feel 1 ioda of the pain I feel every single day, and I push down and try to quiet with laughter and keeping busy.... I want HIM to be the one to move.. I want him to be the one to have to go through years of memories and such and decide which ones are worthy to keep and which can be trash... I want HIM to be the one that wakes up from a dead sleep because he reaches for his love and she isn't there because of HIS actions.... I want him to be the one to have to celebrate his child's birthday... WITHOUT his child!!

I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him I forgive him.. and mean it.. I want to be able to see him at his place of work and not want to throw up, or have to walk around his department so I don't have to see him.  I want to be able to .... OMG I am a  mess.   Hahaha I have deleted these last two paragraphs three times because I don't want to show weakness,, but tonight,, I am allowing myself that weakness. I am going to allow myself to be just human for a few hours.  After all, I have never lied or sugar coated my life before,, why start now right?

I miss them every single day.  Some days tears fall, and those days are becoming a little less with time, most days I remember them both with love and peace in my heart.  What kills me is seeing my kids pain,, my parents pain, Todd's parents pain.. I want desperately to take it from them and let them all go back to living and loving and not having hatred and hurt in their hearts.. because,, after all I am *explicit descriptive word inserted here* super woman.  What I would give to be able to do this for them all!

 I hate that one person can hurt so many people...


I love that one person, in this case 2 people, can touch so many lives...

Tom said to me last night,, "I didn't ever meet the boy and I miss him!" Oh my heart strings...

This boy of mine is special,, I always knew he was,, just didn't understand how much so.

So bear with  me tomorrow,  if you text me and I don't answer... (you all know I will most likely answer because Heaven forbid I ever leave a text unanswered!) but just know....

This Mum is going to hide, just a little...  in the house she shared with her family... before she has to close the door one last time on Saturday.  Who knows, maybe I will even venture down stairs and just be there....

this right here. captures his entire spirit,, as big as it is!!!

Change seems to bring Grief to the surface... (rambling session 1000000001)

I have hesitated in writing anything lately, because well, who honestly wants to hear it..the blubberings and ramblings  of a widow,,  then in the last 3 days I have gotten notes from various people telling me thank you.. thank you for sharing so openly everything.

 "I want you to know, that when I am really struggling, I look for things that you post and it really helps me! I know you have been to hell and back again but I want you to know that you have given me strength when I wasn't sure I could keep going. It happened again this morning when you posted jakes blog. Thanks for rocking it!"  

And I figure hey,, if it can help one person keep going,, then I will keep sharing.  So thank YOU for sharing with me that me bearing my soul is helping you. Because honestly I couldn't keep it in if I wanted to!!

Let me just say, we all have our own personal hell we are each going through.. And mine is NO worse than yours!!  All we can do is help each other get through it unscathed and knowing we are not  alone and we are not being judged by one another.

Well I found a cute apartment!  5 miles from my house.. Far enough away that I can start fresh, close enough that I can still see my friends.  

I wonder if I will ever be able to do anything again with out a little gray cloud causing rain drops to run out of my eyes and down my cheeks...

Saturday the 5th, Kenz and Jeff, Jake and Emily came up and helped me go through things in the house, and de junk,, lots of tears were shed on my part.. and bless my kids,, they are amazing, seriously patient and just plain awesome!!!

I got the keys on Monday the 7th, and when I went in to see it (it was under construction) I bawled.  1 floor, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, just me...  reality checks suck sometimes!

I called Kenz and cried.  And bless her heart, her words to me were so kind! "Mum, it will be ok! I promise.  I am thinking you will do great with not so much empty space around you!  I can't wait to see it!"  

I went home and started packing,, feeling blue and depressed beyond reason. This was all too much,, too fast.. then again, when has my life ever been the teeniest bit slow?  SIGH

Cari Jessup and Coleen, Todd's sister, came and helped me pack up my kitchen on Tuesday and I sat down at one point and just started crying.  Cari just wrapped her arms around me and let me cry.  I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for all my amazing friends!! Seriously!

Wednesday I enlisted help from the Jacob family, and Cari again to help me take over my kitchen and unpack it.. the girls were quick to lay claim to the spare room, which made my heart so happy!!  There was CHAOS in my teenie apartment, and it felt like home.  *happy sigh* Ok,, I can do this,, this is going to be incredibly awesome.

So I go home after work and pack up more boxes, and throw out more stuff, and just keep plugging along. 

It doesn't help that I have been an emotional mess since I realized February was coming to an end and my baby's birthday was coming up.  ON the 14th he'll be 13... (it feels weird to say he would have been 13, because no matter where he is,, it's still his birthday, and he will be 13.)  My heart hurts, especially when I think about all the things I don't get to participate in with him,, the things I won't experience with him. I try not to think about it, because I would be a complete and udder mess if I did.  And life has a way of pushing the pain and heartache to the side until the moment when we can just let it all out.

Jacob is getting married in 43 days!  I hate seeing the wording of  Rhonda Johnson and the LATE Todd Johnson on the invite.  HE was supposed to be here.. sigh.  

This grief thing is certainly not for the weak! It seriously has a mind of it's own.  One minute I can be going along, happy as can be, living life, doing what I do.. and then out of nowhere I am in a ball on the floor gasping for breath because my heart physically hurts to keep beating.  Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.  Some days...  I feel like I could die of a broken heart.  No not broken,, so much as shattered.. yet there are days I feel like I can tackle the world, or at least let it roll off my shoulders without bruising me.  Some days I can see the old me,, the non widow me, and I miss her.. some days.  

My reflection has changed in the mirror,, I look more tired. not necessarily more weary, but definitely tired... I have more gray hairs. my smile has changed.. I see it mostly in my eyes.. not sure what it is, but they are different too.  I see the world differently.. I love more, and harder, I say what I mean more and bite my tongue less *not always a good thing but...* 

I want them back,, but I wouldn't change a thing...  if that doesn't confuse you then you're doing better than me!!

Todd. Playing piano

http://timehop.com/c/1.Z3Y6NTcxNjM0NjMwMDA5OUl37Ky-83K1536VilHJpfR5ozXfm6vJUWd9GaHZcu-uye_2eID01jHynsPYpXT0bQ