Timehop.....

If only time really did hop!!!!

For those of you who let technology scare you, so you don't venture out of your app bubble, timehop is an app that brings up memories from the past 8 years...
It's been both a blessing and a curse for me, It brings up pictures I have long since forgotten I even had, and sometimes it brings tears. 

Today it brought up my blog about the court case and what happened that day 2 years ago.  *when I think about how long it's been, since I have seen them boys,, or how Mr S is living his life free,,, that is when the tears come, so I don't think about that too much*  It also brought up posts of 3 years ago, when I worked in Macy's and we were setting up Christmas in the store and how excited I was for Christmas... *and I am preparing my self for halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas pics from years before....*

It's funny how things change,,,

That first Christmas I was completely numb,, I remember having my family around.,, and crying an awful lot,,and wondering how on earth I was supposed to keep on keeping on.... sigh,,

The 2nd Christmas was bitter sweet,, we were all together,, Tom, two of his boys and I all drove down to St George and spent Christmas with Kenzie, Jeff, Jake and Emily.  It was amazing! We laughed, we did some old tradition, that both of our family's have done, we started some new ones, we played games, we ate, we had some quiet moments of reflection, It was exactly what I needed, a reminder that we are allowed to be both happy and sad.

It's getting to be that time again,, I was reminded of that this morning as I left for work in long pants and a hoodie in blasted 40 degree weather (Ferinheit for my Canadian friends!) It is cold, and no matter how much I try to avoid it, Timehop keeps reminding me that once a upon a time,, in a land far far away... Christmas brought me joy and so much happiness.  I am trying to tackle this anxiety head on this year.  Talking about it with my kids, and Tom, and trying to make plans,,,do you know how hard it is to make plans with people that live in three different states, one couple has a new baby, one has a life of her own, and 4 have spouses/fiance's with family in the state they reside in????  *This is in no way meant as a guilt trip,, so please don't take it that way Offsprung Adults!!  <3*

I still feel a sense of dread when I see Christmas decor, felt that this morning when I opened that blasted app and saw Macy's all decorated up,, I worry about driving in horrible weather like I never have before, the thought of decorating the house and putting up a tree is bitter sweet,, I love building new traditions, I think this year new decorations are in order though, we have twice as many people to buy for this year as well as a brand new grandson,,,, So I am trying to come up with various ideas we can do for the kids as they all start/ continue building their own homes with their spouses.

My thoughts still wander to Levi, and what I would be striving to get him,  I find myself not wanting to sew jammies, but rather buy them,, I don't want to bake and do neighbor, actually I go back and forth on that one,, I like the neighbors. My thoughts wander to Todd, and I wonder where he would be at health wise,, would he still be here waiting for a transplant.... What would we be doing this year??

Then I come back to the present, and I look around me and see how blessed my life is,, as a result of such a tragedy....  Tom and his four kids and their significant others,,, my two kids and their spouses,,, grandbabies are starting to make their appearance,,, well one has lol,,,

So if you see me and I am looking stressed or sad, just hug me,, if you wish me a Merry Christmas and I offer back a weak smile, don't be offended,, it could just be a rough day.. they change regularly..  Just know I am still a work in progress and doing my very best. 
 
Life is hard,, sometimes really crappy things happen to really incredible people, and in the end,, it is all worth it. 

2 years and countintg...

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what is the proper grieving time,, how long you are allowed to be sad,, and when you should be happy again.  Truth is, there are no rules with grief,, it is up to you... only you can decide how long, when you are sad, and when you are happy.

I remember the first time I laughed, honestly laughed after the accident.  It felt like a betrayal to my husband and son.  How dare I be happy. It's only been ... 3 weeks, 3 months,,, 3 years..... (this december)!!!

Then I read this article, and number 8 really stood out to me,,,

https://www.today.com/series/things-i-wish-i-knew/10-things-i-wish-i-knew-becoming-widow-t111974

"You will never be the same person you were before. This is not to say that you will never be happy again — you will. But it is a different kind of happy. You cannot possibly be the same after going through a tragedy like this. Losing my husband has become a part of me. It no longer controls my every thought, but I now look at life in a new way. Not necessarily bad or good, just different. For so long, I only wanted my old life back. I now understand that this is never going to happen. It was very hard to accept, but now that I have, I am able move on to a new chapter."

It was so hard to move forward,,, to pull myself out of the grave so to speak,  when all I wanted to do was be with them.  Seriously, I struggled for a long time not living at the cemetery, if they would've let me, I would've slept there,, but, as you know, Todd and I had talked at length about what I would do when he died... yep, he knew he was going first,,,grrrr.  I told him I would not be one of those wife's who can't leave the cemetery and visits every day,,, he laughed and told me he would be disappointed if I was there every day.  (NOTE: it is way easier to say face to face when you're both still alive, than to do after one of you is gone!)
Remembering our conversations helped with the moving forward process alot,,, I did tell him I would never marry again,,  he groaned and said "FINE,, just be happy!"


2 years ago today, one simple decision completely changed my life....  that's all it took, one decision to venture outside of my comfort zone, to overcome my anxiety of driving outside my circle and go support one of my very best friends on the very best day of her life,,,, and now.....

I have the most amazing man in my life.  He is my rock, I draw strength from him in ways I didn't know was possible.  I am continuously reaching for his hand to save me from drowning.  Tom and I were talking last night,,,

Me: Guess what I did today...
T: what babe?
Me: I had to drive to my old neighborhood to get your pressie and I started having a mild panic attack,,,
T: "looks at me with eyes huge because he THINKS he knows what's coming" You ok babe?
Me: yea,, it was weird, because I got to the accident site and I noticed I was gripping the steering wheel really hard and my breathing changed,,, and I thought,, ok how am I gonna get out of this area without driving past this again.... then I past it, and had to consciously let go of the wheel *insert chuckle* this is so dumb hon,, Then as I drove back and pasted it again on my way home, same thing, and I kept thinking "I can call Tom, he will answer,, he gets it,, NO you can do this,, nothing is going to happen,, just keep going straight",, and guess what..... I DID IT!  I got through it and home, no tears, no panic attack, no having to pull over,,, I know it's dumb but...
T: *Immediately interrupts me* It is not dumb! Oh sweetheart I am so proud of you!!!!!


This is the man I have in my life,, to walk beside me through the rest of this earthly mess, he holds my broken heart in his hands. and takes such care to ensure it is all there, and not breaking more.  I love everything about him,, who he is and what he represents.  I love that he took a huge chance on us, and let me into his life, when he swore he was done with love and dating....

Most of all, I love that I get to be his last everything,,, last date, last kiss,, last love!!

I am still grieving, I still have sad days, and he lets me have them,, I have anxiety and panic attacks that come out of the complete blue,, with this man by my side, it makes it all more bearable....
Thank you for a most amazing 2 years,, for being beside me every single step of the way, saving me from drowning in grief, helping me understand things I never questioned before and for some reason do now.. for taking a chance on me...and for loving me with your whole heart.

Here's to many more years together!!


I LOVE US!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

who of us reads the directions on a shampoo bottle?  Seriously,,, does anyone?

This is how my life feels,,

Lather = plant feet firmly on floor and move forward,, faking a smile as deemed necessary throughout any given day. Sing "just keep swimming,, just keep swimming" as needed.

Rinse = lay down in bed and attempt to get sleep without any nightmares or terrors.

Repeat = pretty self explanatory no?

Some days seriously feel like groundhog day and I am just going through the motions of living. Although in all honesty I don't have to fake it nearly as much as I did earlier.

August was full of absolutely amazing memory making!!   Between my awesome co-workers decorating my desk, my work BFF making me a most epic Eeyore cake, my son and his wifey conspiring with my sweetheart and surprised me with dinner at Texas Roadhouse in Sandy and tickets to see Annie here in SLC Valley, and,, yes yes there is more,,,, my daughter and her hubby surprised me with tickets to see Luke Bryan in October,, I am completely overwhelmed with all the love.  I have the best friends and family out there.

The month also brought tears,, something I am very used to at this point,, seems there is always a memory just peeking around the corner, waiting to jump out to the forefront of my brain and plant itself there until I have sufficiently cried.  Back to school pictures from everyone brought the tears,, I thought, or rather hoped I would NOT have that reaction this year but all I kept thinking was, he is supposed to be in 9th grade.. he is supposed to be a smart ass and giving me a run for my money,,, he is supposed to be...  the list goes on and on of the things I am missing out on as a mom, and it's hard,, thank heaven's for friends that see that and reach out.  Richard keeps me in mind whenever there is a "mother/son" thing for his boys,, and I love it.  It's hard on me, and it's hard on him and his boys,, but we have both joked, and said Jill has Levi now, I get her boys, and we will trade back later. It's somewhat comforting believe it or not.

And this month brought tears of happiness,, for the first time in 3 years I can look at baby boy clothes and smile... mostly.  Tom's oldest son and fiance had their first baby, a boy, August 26th.  Making us grandparents for the first time ever!!  So off we went to Billings Montana for labor day weekend for some serious cuddles.
 This little boy is so stinking cute, and it is fun to watch his parents learning to be parents.
Usually when I hold a baby lately, they tend to look over my left shoulder and just stare.  Of course I am thinking,, "do you see Levi,  do you see Todd,,, what are they telling you..... " with tears rolling down my face.  Not this time....  This was insanely uplifting and just WOW,,,

I was sitting up on the couch, with this baby in my arms looking at me and I am just talking to him as he is making the cutest little circles with his mouth and yawning and stretching,, and he turns his head to look over my shoulder and I start asking him, , "oh Warren, who do you see? Do you see Le....." I stopped midsentence, as Warren turned his eyes back to me and then back again to the left corner of the living room. And the thought came to me,, 'He sees his Gramma,, he sees Bobbi' , suddenly I am covered in goosebumps, and tears just start falling, as I say to him in a whisper,, "do you see her baby boy? Do you see Gramma?"  He ever so slowly moved his head, never once taking his eyes off the wall that I could see, as his eyes slowly moved across the room to her picture,, that is in a collage frame on the opposite wall, and then he smiled.  I sat there in awe that I got to witness this, I got to be a part of it..tears streaming down my face half out of embarrassment that I assumed it would be my son, or husband that had escourted him here to earth, and half out of sheer gratefulness that Bobbi let me know it was her, that she chose me to witness this, She let me know she trusts me with her family, and for that I am truly grateful... honestly, If I have to be here on earth, I love that I am so very blessed with the opportunity to step in and love those in the respective roles that have left this earth way too soon.  I looked up at Tom and he sees the tears rolling down my face, and asks what's wrong, thinking he knows, and I whisper to him what has just happened,, as a look of awe and wonderment spread across his face.  He sat back and just whispered,, WOW.

There is not a doubt in my mind that our respective spouses, who left this earth way too soon, played a huge roll in bringing the two of us together, to help each other, and our children, even though they are all growed up, and our grandchildren as they come into our lives,  get through this life feeling loved beyond measure and acccepted no matter what.

If this is what my mission is to be for the rest of my earthly life,, so be it. 
If all I can do is love and accept, I will do it to the best of my ability until I can no longer do so. 
That is all.