This is how my life feels,,
Lather = plant feet firmly on floor and move forward,, faking a smile as deemed necessary throughout any given day. Sing "just keep swimming,, just keep swimming" as needed.
Rinse = lay down in bed and attempt to get sleep without any nightmares or terrors.
Repeat = pretty self explanatory no?
Some days seriously feel like groundhog day and I am just going through the motions of living. Although in all honesty I don't have to fake it nearly as much as I did earlier.
August was full of absolutely amazing memory making!! Between my awesome co-workers decorating my desk, my work BFF making me a most epic Eeyore cake, my son and his wifey conspiring with my sweetheart and surprised me with dinner at Texas Roadhouse in Sandy and tickets to see Annie here in SLC Valley, and,, yes yes there is more,,,, my daughter and her hubby surprised me with tickets to see Luke Bryan in October,, I am completely overwhelmed with all the love. I have the best friends and family out there.
The month also brought tears,, something I am very used to at this point,, seems there is always a memory just peeking around the corner, waiting to jump out to the forefront of my brain and plant itself there until I have sufficiently cried. Back to school pictures from everyone brought the tears,, I thought, or rather hoped I would NOT have that reaction this year but all I kept thinking was, he is supposed to be in 9th grade.. he is supposed to be a smart ass and giving me a run for my money,,, he is supposed to be... the list goes on and on of the things I am missing out on as a mom, and it's hard,, thank heaven's for friends that see that and reach out. Richard keeps me in mind whenever there is a "mother/son" thing for his boys,, and I love it. It's hard on me, and it's hard on him and his boys,, but we have both joked, and said Jill has Levi now, I get her boys, and we will trade back later. It's somewhat comforting believe it or not.
And this month brought tears of happiness,, for the first time in 3 years I can look at baby boy clothes and smile... mostly. Tom's oldest son and fiance had their first baby, a boy, August 26th. Making us grandparents for the first time ever!! So off we went to Billings Montana for labor day weekend for some serious cuddles.
This little boy is so stinking cute, and it is fun to watch his parents learning to be parents.
Usually when I hold a baby lately, they tend to look over my left shoulder and just stare. Of course I am thinking,, "do you see Levi, do you see Todd,,, what are they telling you..... " with tears rolling down my face. Not this time.... This was insanely uplifting and just WOW,,,
I was sitting up on the couch, with this baby in my arms looking at me and I am just talking to him as he is making the cutest little circles with his mouth and yawning and stretching,, and he turns his head to look over my shoulder and I start asking him, , "oh Warren, who do you see? Do you see Le....." I stopped midsentence, as Warren turned his eyes back to me and then back again to the left corner of the living room. And the thought came to me,, 'He sees his Gramma,, he sees Bobbi' , suddenly I am covered in goosebumps, and tears just start falling, as I say to him in a whisper,, "do you see her baby boy? Do you see Gramma?" He ever so slowly moved his head, never once taking his eyes off the wall that I could see, as his eyes slowly moved across the room to her picture,, that is in a collage frame on the opposite wall, and then he smiled. I sat there in awe that I got to witness this, I got to be a part of it..tears streaming down my face half out of embarrassment that I assumed it would be my son, or husband that had escourted him here to earth, and half out of sheer gratefulness that Bobbi let me know it was her, that she chose me to witness this, She let me know she trusts me with her family, and for that I am truly grateful... honestly, If I have to be here on earth, I love that I am so very blessed with the opportunity to step in and love those in the respective roles that have left this earth way too soon. I looked up at Tom and he sees the tears rolling down my face, and asks what's wrong, thinking he knows, and I whisper to him what has just happened,, as a look of awe and wonderment spread across his face. He sat back and just whispered,, WOW.
There is not a doubt in my mind that our respective spouses, who left this earth way too soon, played a huge roll in bringing the two of us together, to help each other, and our children, even though they are all growed up, and our grandchildren as they come into our lives, get through this life feeling loved beyond measure and acccepted no matter what.
If this is what my mission is to be for the rest of my earthly life,, so be it.
If all I can do is love and accept, I will do it to the best of my ability until I can no longer do so.
That is all.
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