I remember the first time I laughed, honestly laughed after the accident. It felt like a betrayal to my husband and son. How dare I be happy. It's only been ... 3 weeks, 3 months,,, 3 years..... (this december)!!!
Then I read this article, and number 8 really stood out to me,,,
https://www.today.com/series/things-i-wish-i-knew/10-things-i-wish-i-knew-becoming-widow-t111974
"You will never be the same person you were before. This is not to say that you will never be happy again — you will. But it is a different kind of happy. You cannot possibly be the same after going through a tragedy like this. Losing my husband has become a part of me. It no longer controls my every thought, but I now look at life in a new way. Not necessarily bad or good, just different. For so long, I only wanted my old life back. I now understand that this is never going to happen. It was very hard to accept, but now that I have, I am able move on to a new chapter."
It was so hard to move forward,,, to pull myself out of the grave so to speak, when all I wanted to do was be with them. Seriously, I struggled for a long time not living at the cemetery, if they would've let me, I would've slept there,, but, as you know, Todd and I had talked at length about what I would do when he died... yep, he knew he was going first,,,grrrr. I told him I would not be one of those wife's who can't leave the cemetery and visits every day,,, he laughed and told me he would be disappointed if I was there every day. (NOTE: it is way easier to say face to face when you're both still alive, than to do after one of you is gone!)
Remembering our conversations helped with the moving forward process alot,,, I did tell him I would never marry again,, he groaned and said "FINE,, just be happy!"
2 years ago today, one simple decision completely changed my life.... that's all it took, one decision to venture outside of my comfort zone, to overcome my anxiety of driving outside my circle and go support one of my very best friends on the very best day of her life,,,, and now.....
I have the most amazing man in my life. He is my rock, I draw strength from him in ways I didn't know was possible. I am continuously reaching for his hand to save me from drowning. Tom and I were talking last night,,,
Me: Guess what I did today...
T: what babe?
Me: I had to drive to my old neighborhood to get your pressie and I started having a mild panic attack,,,
T: "looks at me with eyes huge because he THINKS he knows what's coming" You ok babe?
Me: yea,, it was weird, because I got to the accident site and I noticed I was gripping the steering wheel really hard and my breathing changed,,, and I thought,, ok how am I gonna get out of this area without driving past this again.... then I past it, and had to consciously let go of the wheel *insert chuckle* this is so dumb hon,, Then as I drove back and pasted it again on my way home, same thing, and I kept thinking "I can call Tom, he will answer,, he gets it,, NO you can do this,, nothing is going to happen,, just keep going straight",, and guess what..... I DID IT! I got through it and home, no tears, no panic attack, no having to pull over,,, I know it's dumb but...
T: *Immediately interrupts me* It is not dumb! Oh sweetheart I am so proud of you!!!!!
This is the man I have in my life,, to walk beside me through the rest of this earthly mess, he holds my broken heart in his hands. and takes such care to ensure it is all there, and not breaking more. I love everything about him,, who he is and what he represents. I love that he took a huge chance on us, and let me into his life, when he swore he was done with love and dating....
Most of all, I love that I get to be his last everything,,, last date, last kiss,, last love!!
I am still grieving, I still have sad days, and he lets me have them,, I have anxiety and panic attacks that come out of the complete blue,, with this man by my side, it makes it all more bearable....
Thank you for a most amazing 2 years,, for being beside me every single step of the way, saving me from drowning in grief, helping me understand things I never questioned before and for some reason do now.. for taking a chance on me...and for loving me with your whole heart.
Here's to many more years together!!
I LOVE US!
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