Just like getting a smack upside the head.....

it hits you out of nowhere... the Holiday season.  And BAM!!! Here it is,,, upon us.

In years past, I have hounded Todd to let me put the tree up November 1... let's pull out the decorations and get this thing started,, haha,,, and it was always a fight, it became tradition, I would beg, he would say not until after thanksgiving,, I would remind him we did a thanksgiving already, he would tell me after the REAL thanksgiving, I googled which country changed the holiday,, guess who it was,,, yup,, good ol' US of A! I still lost this argument every year... mostly because I conceded.  It was all in fun. And I think the kids expected it every year.  Levi would laugh, Jake and Kenz would just roll their eyes in disgust.  Gotta love traditions!


This year things are different.  This year is the beginning of new traditions:

I went down to Kenzie and Jeff's for thanksgiving this year.  Didn't have to cook a single carrot. Mackenzie did an amazing job and cooked the entire meal all by herself.  Such a change from years past.  After dinner, they humored me and we went to walmart to see if I could grab the few black friday deals I needed/wanted.  We got them.  IN and OUT, no lines, no fighting.  Easy Peasy

Friday we just chilled, and did a little more shopping, relaxed and I crocheted and she knitted.  It was so nice to just be there and not have to do anything.

Saturday the three of us went shooting.  It is nice to have someone in my immediate family that has a knowledge of guns and can teach me without sounding like a smartass!  Jeff is so good about making sure we know what we need to before we shoot, and it's always fun to watch him interact with Kenz, and see the little things he does for her to show he loves her.

We sat and watched a couple Christmas movies together, and that was the only thing Christmasy we did,, no Christmas music, no decorating,, *weird for our family,, trust me!*

As much fun as it was, there was something missing....

Sunday I came home.  I am torn between putting up a tree and not putting up a tree... the main reason is my floor is all torn up due to water damage! NO BUENO!  *Lowe's is fixing it,, on their own freaking time! jerks!!,, now we have mold! but that's a whole other blog post!*

I got home yesterday and got to go out with a friend, ok so he's a little more than just a friend,, we went to dinner, then drove around Sugarhouse looking at all the amazingly overpriced houses, and their Christmas lights, talked for a bit, then went to see Mocking Jay 2...  we both loved it!  It was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.

At the risk of him reading this,, let me tell you a little about him... and why he makes me smile...

• I went to get out of the truck yesterday and he "yells" (not really yells, you know what I mean) "Hey, what are you doing?"   I pull my legs in and shut the door... chivalry is a funny thing,, you don't want the guy you are with to think you expect it, and it's so freaking awesome when they expect to do it without you saying anything.
• He holds my hand the entire time we are driving.
• He lets me talk about my husband and my son, and doesn't roll his eyes, or sigh in frustration
• He holds me when I cry and miss the old me and my old life, and just lets me cry.
• We can communicate and talk like grown ups about the things that are important to us, without upsetting the other person
• When he hugs me, he lets out a small almost inaudible sigh of happiness, (at least I hope it's happiness)
• He lets out a VERY audible sigh of contentness and happiness when I rub his back
• He is very patient and gives me the time I need to figure this new world out.
• He grins from ear to ear when I am meeting him somewhere and he spots me. (his whole face lights up, do you know what that does to me??)
• He makes me smile.
• He does the little things for me.. the things that matter

He isn't perfect!  but he does make me laugh. And I love that.  It feels good to have someone on my side again. And who knows where we will end up... for this moment, right now, it is good, and I am happy.  (I am 99% sure he is too! haha)

I know it's hard for my kids to see me dating, or hear me talk about it. But they let me. And they are supportive as well, which I am so very grateful for.

So here I go, jumping into the holiday pool head first off the high dive... figuring out how on earth I am supposed to keep going with half of my heart gone, and the other half feeling so very full....

LIFE is good, it isn't always easy, and when you make the best out of a bad situation, and just keep swimming,, life is very good. And I find myself feeling less sad and more grateful with each passing day.

So Merry Christmas everyone,, I will get my tree up,, eventually, Christmas will come, Jake will be home in 14 days, Kenz will be back up here, for his homecoming, and things will fall into place.

Kiss your loved ones, overuse I love you, hold hands, hug, and keep the real meaning of Christmas in your hearts....and know there are Angels among us, helping us through it all and putting the right people in our lives.

https://youtu.be/LUtc_olEiRY

copy and paste the above link, to listen

TICK TOCK..TICK TOCK..

I watch the hands on my living room clock continue to tick on.  Does it not realize what I would give for it to just stop,,, time... I just want it to stop right now.  So many things are happening, and I am not ready to face them as a widow.

I was doing ok today, until they mentioned the ward Christmas Breakfast on December 12, Saturday,,, different date, same day... the last thing we did as a family.  The last thing I got to do with Todd and Levi before I left for training shortly after that.  Then the musical number had me all but sobbing,, and I can't remember what that song is called that was played, but that pretty much did me in for the day...

Our Missionary comes home on December 14,, 2 more p-days and I get to hold him again.  I find myself trying desperately to fill a void that simply won't be filled... their presence will be so greatly missed.. *don't tell me they will be there,,, it's not even close to the same*,

Then Christmas,, How exactly am I supposed to do this?  I went and bought a small tree to put up, decided it was a good idea.  And bought Dr Who, and BYU ornaments,, I am on the hunt for some lego ornaments because well frankly that would make it just perfect.  I don't want to do stockings this year,,, the fun of arguing with Todd about what exactly does and does not go into a stocking is lacking this year.

*Sigh*  Then oldest daughter is getting married next year.  CAN'T TIME STOP??  What I want is to keep my missionary right where he is,, although I desperately want him home, I know he is protected and doing good in Georgia,, and frankly, I don't have to worry about him quite as much as I do when he is home... adult or not.  I want to skip Christmas,,, I want to Celebrate that we got through this very humbling year, I want to sleep all day, I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by family and friends.  I want to get through the next 6 weeks with no tears, but that likely isn't going to happen.  *sigh*

I am heading to St George for American Thanksgiving this week at my daughters house.  She commented on how we have switched places, she is super excited that I am coming,, and although I am excited,,, I am, well, I am dreading the drive.  Usually we are flipped and I am the one excited.

I am not sure I will ever again be excited like I used to be.  There is always this "element", that is missing,,,

I came across a picture the other day of Levi in a baby swing, he was either 4 or 5,, and just being a goof,, I posted it on Facebook, and was laughing so freaking hard,,  suddenly my heart literally broke and I realized I was no longer laughing, but sobbing,,, hard...  I miss them,, every single day.  It seems I wake up every day and think, OK here we go again, and I grab my smile from my nightstand and just go.  And 95.5% of the time I am genuinely happy, and ok, even great some days.... but then that stupid Grief wheel spins and I do a complete 180, and I can never find enough kleenex.

I took a "selfie" today because well, I can,, and I noticed how much this last year has worn on me.  I look tired... worn out,,, exhausted,,,, beaten down.  haha  So many gray hairs and wrinkles.... Red eyes, and I hadn't even cried yet.

I just want time to stop, but it won't, so I will keep smiling, and keep putting my feet on the ground, because frankly, the other choice is not all that appealing, I despise laying in bed wide awake.... and I will keep leaning on my Father in Heaven and my friends and family,,, and pray that 2016 goes just a little easier on all of us.

There's something to be said... *just a muddlemess of my thoughts today*

about time.  In one way it completely sucks how it just keeps ticking by...  we get up, go to work, come home, and everything is the same,, yet oddly enough, nothing is the same.  The kids have grown even just a teenie bit, they have learned, irritated, babies get older, parents die,*or they are supposed to die before the kids*.  And pain... it seems to lessen as time ticks by.

(not exactly sure how I want to say this so stay with me)

 11 months.  47 weeks, 334 days,  

 That is what tomorrow is.  That is how long it has been since I got to kiss my  husband, hug my baby, look at their warm faces. That is how long it has been since I started this journey that I never once thought I would be on.

11 months of tears,

47 weeks of heartache

334 days of continually telling myself I can do this,, and I have to do this.


11 months of love

47 weeks of support

334 days of continually knowing someone has my back


11 months of trying to fit this new skin given me

47 weeks of new friends

334 days of learning to love all over again


11 months of growth

47 weeks of discovering just how strong I really am

334 days of knowing that forgiveness is the key

the key to:

• being able to smile again,
• laugh and actually mean it,
• hear video of their voices and not break down into a sobbing blubbering mess, 
• allowing myself to be happy and falling in serious like with another human.  
• learning that in-spite of our differences we can still love and support each other
• letting go of what doesn't matter
• loving and caring more
• realizing what is really important

I sit here in awe of the road I have traveled this last year. Of the outpouring of love and friendship.  The cards and messages I have received from people thanking me for helping them, through whatever trials they are facing.  When you face your worst nightmare, does a new one replace it, or can you tackle anything else life throws your way?  *a question I am NO WHERE NEAR asking!*

People ask me if I have plans for next month,,, the 1 year mark,, my plan is the same as every other day for the last 334,, get up, get dressed,,finish putting the final touches on my son's man cave,  put a smile on my face, and hopefully, make a difference in someone else's day! 

And then the next day,, I am going to the airport to pick up my oldest son at the Airport after he has served the Lord for two very long years in Georgia. I will hug him, and kiss him, perhaps give him a smack, as I am sure he is overdue... and share him with all my family and friends *there really is no difference at this point in my life fyi!*.  

Time will keep passing, and I will continue to miss two of the most important people in my life, and as time passes, the tears become less, the laughter becomes more, the heartache lessens, and we support and continue to hold each other up as we muddle through it, and pray we each come out on top.