I was doing ok today, until they mentioned the ward Christmas Breakfast on December 12, Saturday,,, different date, same day... the last thing we did as a family. The last thing I got to do with Todd and Levi before I left for training shortly after that. Then the musical number had me all but sobbing,, and I can't remember what that song is called that was played, but that pretty much did me in for the day...
Our Missionary comes home on December 14,, 2 more p-days and I get to hold him again. I find myself trying desperately to fill a void that simply won't be filled... their presence will be so greatly missed.. *don't tell me they will be there,,, it's not even close to the same*,
Then Christmas,, How exactly am I supposed to do this? I went and bought a small tree to put up, decided it was a good idea. And bought Dr Who, and BYU ornaments,, I am on the hunt for some lego ornaments because well frankly that would make it just perfect. I don't want to do stockings this year,,, the fun of arguing with Todd about what exactly does and does not go into a stocking is lacking this year.
*Sigh* Then oldest daughter is getting married next year. CAN'T TIME STOP?? What I want is to keep my missionary right where he is,, although I desperately want him home, I know he is protected and doing good in Georgia,, and frankly, I don't have to worry about him quite as much as I do when he is home... adult or not. I want to skip Christmas,,, I want to Celebrate that we got through this very humbling year, I want to sleep all day, I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by family and friends. I want to get through the next 6 weeks with no tears, but that likely isn't going to happen. *sigh*
I am heading to St George for American Thanksgiving this week at my daughters house. She commented on how we have switched places, she is super excited that I am coming,, and although I am excited,,, I am, well, I am dreading the drive. Usually we are flipped and I am the one excited.
I am not sure I will ever again be excited like I used to be. There is always this "element", that is missing,,,
I came across a picture the other day of Levi in a baby swing, he was either 4 or 5,, and just being a goof,, I posted it on Facebook, and was laughing so freaking hard,, suddenly my heart literally broke and I realized I was no longer laughing, but sobbing,,, hard... I miss them,, every single day. It seems I wake up every day and think, OK here we go again, and I grab my smile from my nightstand and just go. And 95.5% of the time I am genuinely happy, and ok, even great some days.... but then that stupid Grief wheel spins and I do a complete 180, and I can never find enough kleenex.
I took a "selfie" today because well, I can,, and I noticed how much this last year has worn on me. I look tired... worn out,,, exhausted,,,, beaten down. haha So many gray hairs and wrinkles.... Red eyes, and I hadn't even cried yet.
I just want time to stop, but it won't, so I will keep smiling, and keep putting my feet on the ground, because frankly, the other choice is not all that appealing, I despise laying in bed wide awake.... and I will keep leaning on my Father in Heaven and my friends and family,,, and pray that 2016 goes just a little easier on all of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment