When you don't know what to say,,,, just hug.

I have been thinking about posting this all week... do I... don't I?  Since when have I ever held anything back...


My heart hurts... more than normal lately..

I got the news on Monday that a friend of mine lost her husband to pneumonia...He had cancer and was fighting a formidable fight... that he just couldn't fight anymore.

 Immediately my anxiety kicked in. Not for myself, but for the pain and heartache I knew this friend of mine would be experiencing in the days, weeks, months to come.  How desperately I wanted to run to her home and just grab her and her babies and pull them into my bubble.. protect her and her chickens from what was coming...

Then I got a couple phone calls and a few texts...

"I hope this isn't too forward...."

"... pointers in how I can help..."

"I NEED to help her but I don't know how..."

"what helped you..."

How grateful I am that my friends know that I so do NOT get offended by these questions.  Maybe this is how I am supposed to help...

So here are my pointers for helping someone who is going through grief,, no matter what type of grief,, the pain is the same....

• DO NOT say "I'm sorry"  No one is sorrier than the person going through it.. This is something people say when they don't know what to say, and honestly, it gets exhausting to hear it.. over and over and over... Instead,, say "I love you"  and leave it at that.  
• DO NOT ask "what can I do?"  No one is thinking straight,,, especially the days following such a loss, our minds are on funeral preparations, the kids,, no matter how old,, and how on earth are we going to get up tomorrow... Just do it... just grab the person and get them out of the house.. one thing that sticks out in my mind is the night after my accident, three ladies showed up and just walked in and started cleaning,, my kitchen,, picked up Levi's room, with permission of course,  cleaned my bathrooms, and got my house ready for the entourage of company that was coming... I just sat on the couch,, numb... and the only thing I remember them asking was if anything needed to be done in Levi's room,, everything else they just did. They didn't ask what could they do, they JUST DID.  *keep in mind respect is huge here... don't disturb things that were left by the deceased without permission*
• Everyone else will be bringing dinner,, grab them and go for a drink,, dessert,,, a drive... sit on the couch and let them cry, yell, scream,, cuss until the cloud over the house is so dark you think a lightening storm is coming,,, hug them,, hold their hand,, just be there..
• A pampering basket, full of bath stuff to help them sleep,, when sleep decides to come.
• A stuffed animal with some representation of the deceased on it.. to hold, to snuggle, to yell at and to throw against a wall *don't judge, anger comes and goes like the tears do*
• She/He will break down,, eventually, and it will be huge,, maybe not at first,, it may be just a tiny break down,, and over time it will get bigger,, STOCK UP ON COFFEE POTS and China,, *hit the second hand stores*  Did you know coffee pots "PING" when thrown against a hard object and this is very therapeutic! 
• I know the urge to give grief help books is overwhelming,, resist it.. seriously,,, the last thing I wanted was to read about the right way to grieve, or how the Lord is there for me,,, I know all this stuff... it really helps,, later,,, not now though,, now is the time for anger, and tears.
• DO NOT say everything happens for a reason,, it's a lie... everything does NOT happen for a reason,, unless that reason is for us to go through trials,,, I believe we agreed to certain trials in the pre-existence, and we knew what we were getting,, dang veil gets in the way in this mortal life and we forget,, I also believe if we put all our trials into a pile and were given the opportunity to pick what ever trial we wanted, we would pick up OUR own trials!  
• Most importantly,, let them know you are there, any time... day or night, ESPECIALLY after every thing has calmed down,, the funeral is over, every one has gone back to their respective lives, and she/he is left alone,,, to figure out their new reality...  sometimes we need to be alone,, other times, we desperately need someone to grab our hand and say "come on,, let's do this"  but the thought of being "that person", or a burden is so overwhelming we forget to reach out and ask for help, or a shoulder, or a helping hand because the laundry is piling up and the kids are hungry and all we want to do is sit... 

*18 months later and I still just walk into my #inseperablesisters house and cry when needed,, be angry, unreasonable even and they all let me, that is my judgement free zone right there, we all need one!!!* WE all need that  person that will just let us go through this,, at our own pace.. there is no time line for grief.. there will always be triggers,, tears will always fall, at random, sometimes not so random...  BE THAT PERSON!!!


I don't pretend to know everything when it comes to grief...it is a personal journey, so take this for what it's worth..

Looking back these are the things that helped, or didn't help,,, and continue to do so.

Love is the ultimate gift.

Butterflies, Dragonflies and Winnie the Pooh

I can't tell you the exact time that Winnie the Pooh became such a big important part of my life... I do remember being asked who my favorite Disney character was, at a younger, early adult age, and answering Eeyore. He is depressing,, gloomy, sad... gets all the hard crap in life, and keeps going,,, with his friends beside him along the way, urging and encouraging him on!!

I do know when we bought our first house together, and I was able to do the kids rooms, Levi's was going to be Winnie the Pooh themed... I have pictures somewhere... it was gorgeous, and so much fun to do... We did all the kids rooms that year,, Kenzie's was a beach themed room complete with hammock and sand on the walls, I don't remember what Jake's was, but we did them all!  

It was the one song that calmed that baby boy down,,, "deep in the 100 acre woods, where Christopher Robin played,,, you'll find the enchanted neighborhood, of Christopher's childhood days,,, a donkey named Eeyore is his friend, and Kanga and little Roo, there's Rabbit, and Piglet, and there's owl, but most of all Winnie the Pooh!,,," Even as an infant,, this is the ONE song that stopped his crying,,, and as he got older, it usually helped calm him down in the midst of one of his temper tantrums... *he was the only one of my kids that EVER had a full blown tantrum, over and over and over again!*  I remember my mum was visiting us in Magrath one year, and Levi,  just a baby, was crying and crying and wouldn't stop,, Mum came over with him in her arms and said "ok Rhonda, sing THAT stinkin song!" She stood by me, rocking him in her arms, and within seconds of him hearing me sing he stopped crying,,, I have no clue how or why it worked,, but it did,, even when he was 9 and throwing the biggest screaming and yelling fit in his room, I would sit in his doorway, when I had the patience and mindset to do so, and sing the song quietly, and he would calm down,, and we would be able to talk about what was wrong... I changed names up as he got older, to be our family,, A donkey named Daddy is his friend, and Kenzie and Ashie, too, there's Jacob, and Andrew, and there's Adam, but most of all Levi the pooh!  The first time I did that, he was mid scream/cryfest, and he stopped suddenly and busted out laughing... :-)  Sometimes he would plug his ears and tell me it wasn't going to work, but it always did.

Butterflies became a sign for me, after the accident... a sign of rebirth, of life continuing on in all it's beauty,, of the struggles one faces before even entering their cocoon to endure even more struggles before transforming into such a beautiful completely different creature. I went and got two tattoos of butterflies,, the first one on my ankle,, blue, and yellow, gorgeous,, to remind me I am never walking alone.. they are always with me.

 The second is a more subtle white tattoo on my left wrist, in white ink, it's really hard to find someone who will do a white ink tatt,, with a semi colon as the body of the butterfly, representing me, and the depression I have had for years, and the anxiety and ptsd that manifested after the accident,, the wings are my boys, pushing me forward to the end of my story,, because for some weird reason, I am not done yet,, I need to keep writing.

   I have seen more butterflies in the past 3 months than in my entire life... Every time I see one, I think of my boys.. letting me know that I have got this, and they are missing me as much as I miss them..

I saw two dragon flies early last week, and immediately thought of my boys.once again letting me know they are with me, and never far from me.

I rarely share these moments, because I like to think of them as just for me,,, later that afternoon. a friend of mine posted this on facebook, not knowing what I had seen earlier that day,

yea that pretty much triggered tears!  Guess what I want now,,, another tatt... of a dragonfly,, yep! Not gonna get it,,, but I want to.  

I made a decision this last week,, and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  

When I got divorced from my first marriage, people would come up to me and say, "oh I saw your ex...." and my reaction was seriously,, "ok... and....?"  It didn't affect me,, ,it didn't hurt me.. and I didn't feel anything, let alone anger or resentment.  I was happy with where I was in life.. not my ideal choice of where I wanted to be, but I lived life happily.  

I want that feeling back again.  This is in NO way where I wanted to be at this point in my life.. I never dreamt in a million years that I would be on my own at 43,, *well 42 is when it started haha*  I want to be happy.. I strive to be happy.  I look for the things that matter, I smile when I want to cry...I think I have a fantastic handle on things, I think I have forgiven the man that ripped my life from me, then someone brings him up, tells me whatever negative thing is happening in his life that they have witnessed.. and I get why, I really do,,, it's a friends way of letting you know they are on your side,, that they have your back etc etc etc...   And I love the support. I truly do... 

How can I say this without sounding like a complete bag... I don't want to hear it... I catch myself feeding into it, in certain conversations, and walk away feeling like I did that day we went and saw him in court,,, and I think,, "well that brought up all that anger and resentment,, stupid move Rhonda!"  Don't get me wrong, if you have questions please ask them,, I will do my best to answer.

My goal, is to move forward,, to be happy with where I am in life.. live it to the fullest, help others realize it is ok to forgive and move forward, letting go of the anger and ill wishes,, AND it in NO way means you have to be friends with whomever has "wronged" you or hurt you, but it does help you move forward and be genuinely happy, and take away the wrong doers power to continue to hurt you over and over again, To help others see the butterflies and dragon flies, and remember the Winnie the Pooh moments in their lives with smiles and fondness.  There are too many positives to dwell on negatives.  

It will continue to be a daily thing... to give forgiveness to one who refuses to ask for it... but in doing so I take away his power to hurt me on a daily basis.  

So I will continue to do so,, to forgive him daily, let go of the anger that seems to ebb and flow and trust that the Lord will be judge and jury when the time is right... and I will continue to look for the butterflies, dragonflies, and Winnie the Pooh moments, some days the tears will fall, and my heart will hurt, but it will NOT be because of him, I am no longer giving him that power over me, it will be because I know our boys are with us, and miss us as much as we miss them.

And they are our biggest cheerleaders. 

Strawberry Reservoir Camping 2016

Seriously, Can I just tell you that I love that he wants to take me all over and show me so many new things???  Whether we are on the back of his bike, in my car or his truck, we have so much fun together!!!

This weekend he took me to strawberry reservoir,,, OMG GORGEOUS COUNTRY!, & taught me how to cast,, yes I grew up on Vancouver Island, I think the last time I held a fishing rod I was 10... haha  I was really looking forward to him teaching me how to gut a fish, but alas, they didn't bite,, dumb fish!  I find myself looking forward to whatever it is he can and will teach me every time we are together...

I love our conversations:

 How they can be serious and, for lack of a better word, intense,,, not bad intense, just meaningful, and heartfelt... he gets the inner battle I have between loving him and still loving Todd and reassures me that it's completely 100%  OK to love them both... over how I feel ripped off of parenting at times, because I should have a 13 year old pain in my butt still here driving me insane...

And he shares his thoughts and struggles with me,, but I am not putting them on here,, they aren't mine to share,,

Then we are laughing so hard, we both have tears running down our faces,, just that quickly! Yes the *shock factor* plays heavily in our relationship!!

  I know I must drive him nuts, he has heard repeated stories over and over again, but he just listens over and over again...

He handles my heart with the gentlest of hands, and treats it like its gold.. He tells me he is proud of me doing things I didn't think I could do,, he mentions my strengths and helps me grow from me weakness'.  He is my rock,.. my person.. he lets me cry, then grabs my hand, picks me up and keeps pushing me forward.  I am not sure how I got so lucky,, but I am so grateful he is in my life!!

His patience in teaching me anything from where North is,*stop laughing!! I am a turn right or left kind of gal, but I am getting it,, I hope!* to how to shoot a gun is bar none.

Seriously, I just enjoy every minute we are together!!  We get asked all the time, what our plans are.. so I am going to put it in print... right here!!

• To keep making sure the other one is happy! 
• To keep each other laughing.
• To keep a smile on our faces
• To keep learning and growing with each other
• To keep supporting and loving each other  
• To keep communicating with each other
• To keep doing what is working for us! 

And this,, these fun adventures,and everything in between, this is what is working for us!!  <3

AMAZING!

That is the ONLY word that comes to mind when I think about this past weekend!  I keep replaying the events over and over in my head!! SO many firsts!!!  SO many amazing memories were made!!

Let me start by saying, I grew up, and by grew up I mean got older, with my dad riding a motorcycle.. so I never really had or understood the stigma that seems to follow those that ride,,, the whole,,, "don't talk to them they are bad people,, they cause fights,, they drink,, etc. etc.. gangs,, " you get the picture here... I just don't get it.. I have never really been one to not respect someone because of how they look,, how they act is a completely different story mind you!

Tom and I got to take part in the MDA Ride on Saturday. 3000+ bikers all together,, for one purpose.. to raise money and awareness for Muscular Dystrophy.  It was overwhelming and awe inspiring at the same time!  The sense of brotherhood was tangible in every sense of the word. What was even more,, what's the word,, incredible, was to see our local law enforcement there.  There were motorcycle police officers from SSLCPD, UPD, WVPD, and I am sure I am missing some, that joined us.  Keep in mind this was my first BIG ride, so the entire thing was a huge eye opening experience, to see all the bikers, and officers, nodding, shaking hands, saying hi... etc etc... it was awesome to see, especially considering all the bad press our officers have been getting.

At 1 pm we heard sirens and everyone's kickstands went up, and we were off.  LOUD.. that's the one word that can describe it.. LOUD!  The officers led us out and onto the road,, other officers stopped traffic so we could all get out and on the road and freeway safely... and thankfully there were only a couple cars that felt it necessary to get in front of "those bikers" once we were on the freeway.. most of the cars we passed were waving and a few honking, and most, very respectful. We headed to Wendover, where we got to see American Hitmen perform!  Sunday we packed up and headed back to the valley.

Where we got back just in time to shower, and get ready to go do something I have wanted to do for the last year.....

A few months ago, I got a letter from a young girl, who is the recipient of one of Levi's cornea.  She was legally blind, and her life was hindered because of this disability, as we, our family, could understand, as Todd was legally blind for the last 2+ years of his life.

I wrote her back.. trying to share with her exactly who my little boy was and all the awesomeness he represented.

I got a letter from her mom.  Heartfelt, and full of love and gratitude...

and I waited.. hoping and praying that she would want to meet.  That I could look into her eyes and see my son even just one more time....

Then,, my phone rang about a month ago.....

M: Hi,, is this Rhonda?

Me: Well that depends,, who's calling please?

M:  My name is Madison,, I am the recipient of.....

Me: Tears and sobs all over the place!!!

we talked for about 10  minutes,, she wanted to meet!!  Her family wanted to meet, to say thank you.. to have my family over for dinner.   I explained that it was just me, my other children lived in St George, and asked if I could bring my boyfriend with me, and was told absolutely!

We agreed we would get together and decided on June 5th.  I had a knot in my stomach the entire weekend.  Tom and I headed down Sunday evening.. into Lehi,, yep,, they live that close,, :-)

As he opened my car door, I just looked at him and thought,, don't throw up!  He just smiled and we walked up the driveway.  Madison was there with her sister and her two brothers in law.  She walked up to me, smiled and just wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight!  OH MY HEART!!!  Amazingly not one tear fell from my eyes!  *yes Tom and I both were expecting a tear fest to be honest!*  the peace that filled my heart... I looked at her and just KNEW that this is what Levi wanted... this was all in place long before we ever came to earth.  I turn around and there is a woman walking towards me, tears in her eyes as she wraps me in her arms and I hear her say "THANK YOU!   Thank you so very much,, we are family now,, forever!  THANK YOU!!"  (yea I teared up a little but still NONE fell!!)

I handed Madison a book of pictures I had printed off of Levi, hoping she would be ok with it, I just wanted them to see who he was.. how incredible he was,, all that he was... They looked through the pictures.. we talked... we laughed,, I shared memories of him.  Madison's mom said to me,, I saw you on the news that night,, I heard your story, and something just told me this was the one,, this was who was going to help Madison....

OH MY HEART!

We sat out on their deck after dinner talking and laughing.. sharing stories,, Madison participated in the Miss Lehi pagent the day before and is 1st runner up,, is that the terminology??  WAY TO GO MADISON!! ,, She is now working at the Eye Bank, and loving it.

I don't remember how it came up, but she was looking off into their field and said something like,, I can't see it... and her mom says "Use your Levi eye then!" Oh we laughed so hard!!  I told her she had permission to blame all the good on Levi's influence on Madison.

We left feeling completely loved, and like family.  I hope we can continue to stay in contact and I can't wait to see all this fantastic young lady accomplishes in her life!!!

We met as strangers, left as family.  They hold a very special part of my heart.

Madison and I

Madison, me and her mom. 💚💖💜

There were a couple things said throughout the night that let us know that Levi was right there... one that I remember was when Madison and her sister started doing "your mom" comments, and Angela joined right in!! I just sat back and laughed so hard,, and thought,, "Ok buddy,, got it,, you're here,, you're right here, in this room with us!!!  Thank you!!!"  *yea now I have tears in my eyes,, blink them back,, it's a good makeup day!*  and I wish I could remember the other one,, we were sitting at the dinner table, and something was said, YES!!!  Thank you Alex!!, Maddys sister just reminded me,,,, 

Alex was talking to her,, ugh I think it was her husband?, may have been her dad,, I hate widow rain!, and she something to the effect of,, why are you not being useful,, go make me a sammich!!

I laughed so hard!!!  Levi thought it was hilarious to tell me to get in the kitchen and make him a sammich, something he picked up from his oldest brother just before he left on his mission,,,,

and I just thought,, Yep,, Levi's here.