Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

When asked what we want for Christmas, the grown up in us usually answers with something like "world peace".. or I want my kids to get a long, a happy season with family.. and the list goes on and on, all sounding the same.

This year is no different.  I wished for happiness for my babies and their spouses, for peace in my heart, and for a home filled with love.  Above all, I wanted to just enjoy the holiday.  For this year, I wanted happy memories, I wished for the hole in my heart to close just a little more, not forgetting, just not aching as in years past.

And that is what I have been blessed with!  Kenz and I talked and she told me she was taking facebook off her phone for the month,, again not to forget her Dad and brother, but to remember the happiness and not that horrid day,, I followed suit and took it off my phone.  What a blessing it has been!!  The 13th of December came and went, I called my kidlets and told them I loved them, and worked.  My work sent me flowers to let me know they were thinking of me, and that is when I cried!, the thought that some people who have never met my guys have been touched by them.  It's very surreal.

We went to St George for the weekend on the 20th of December, and had an early Christmas with my kids.  We went to see Aquaman on Friday, ice skating on Saturday, the Live Nativity Saturday night, and then we opened presents.  Man my kids spoil us!!  Kenz and Jeff made a beautiful scrabble board with all our names on it, our entire families,, Including their dad and Levi, and Tom's kids.  I love that they have accepted Tom as family and welcomed all of them into our lives.  Jake and Emily put together the cutest date night box for Tom and I,, complete with chocolate tasting and crafts.. seriously love that they all put so much thought into their gifts for us.  We gave Emily a blanket she can wear, that girl loves blankets, Jake got a Chewie Build a bear and star wars mugs for  both of them.  Kenz got a homemade sign with the nicknames she and Jeff gave each other in highschool.

We got home Sunday, and I was off on monday, so I cooked a turkey, ham and scalloped taters, for dinner, after dinner we opened presents, being as I had to work Christmas day, and let's be honest, the kids are not 10,, and getting them up in the mornings just suck!! lol  Tom overcompensated for forgetting jammies for me last year and bought me two pairs of jammies,, bless his heart! lol He also bought me a utah utes shirt, a concealed carry purse for my 9mm that I got as well!!!

It's been a quiet month, one for reflecting on what is important, and what really matters.  We took a few minutes and remembered those we have loved and love still that have passed on.  It's been a year of moving forward.  The first year was hard,, the second year, sucked,, just sucked,, the third year I was numb and this year, I feel like me again.  The one who loves Christmas, who had every reason in the world to celebrate the love and birth of our Saviour.  Thank you for all your love and support, and continued friendship.

May the true spirit of Christmas fill your home and your hearts for all of 2019.

And God bless us, everyone <3 <3 <3

The world just keeps going

Even when your world stops abruptly, the earth just keeps going, people go about their daily lives, with no idea what is going to happen in the next second....


So much has happened since I last blogged,, Thomas, Tom’s oldest, got married in October.  November was quite, we celebrated Thanksgiving and worked.. haha adulting sucks sometimes!

I can’tt remember all that has happened to be honest. I did get a promotion at work,became certified in Education and was able to travel to Massachusetts for work, for a week at the end of October.  IT was amazing!!  and a huge feat for me,, I was able to travel, get my car, and maneuver the roads without having one panic or anxiety attack, that’s saying alot as I rarely drive in Utah without having one, I also, now get to work from home, which has been incredible this last week.  I love not having to drive anywhere,, I can do my workout and come to work,, and shower after work! LOL It’s a perk!!



As the 4th anniversary of the accident comes closer, I am constantly wondering what trigger will happen to push me over the edge this year.  The last three years have been so hard, the emptiness that creeps in.  This year, I still did most of my shopping online, but there was excitement in doing it.. Finding just the right gift for my kids and everyone else.  It didn’t really hit me when December 1st came,, I just didn’t notice.. no it hit me today, when pics of Levi’s last school assemble, and Todd waiting in the car for the assemble to start,  came up on my phone this morning.  My eyes welled up a bit, my heart ached a little more than normal,, and I let my mind wander to where we would be if the accident had not happened?  I am pretty sure I would not have the friends I have in my life now, as 90% of them met me after the accident.  I am not sure where I would be working, If I still would be at Smith’s or somewhere else.. Would Todd have gotten his kidney by now? Levi would be going to SunSet Ridge, finishing 9th grade, which is just mind blowing to me.  I have to keep doing the math to remember what grade he would be in.  All these questions come to mind, and I am so thankful for all the support and love that I feel on a daily basis since the accident. 



I know I will still hurt this season, this year, I know I always will,, I guess what they say is true,, you just learn to live with it.  You move forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that someone reaches out and catches you when you stumble or fall.  You give yourself time, time to be angry, time to cry, time to help your children, time to heal, time to be.You learn to ask for what you need, instead of portraying strength, you portray, not weakness, but.... grief?, I am not sure what to call it.  We tend to put up a wall,, "No I don\"t need anything"  I am good, thank you, when our mind is screaming,, HUG ME, HOLD ME, HELP ME...



Right now my heart is in Virginia, with a friend of mine who was just about to be called as the Relief Society President in our ward, when all this happened. I vividly remember her and two other ladies coming to my house that night, and cleaning,, dishes, picked up levi\"s room so people to sleep there, when they got there, I just sat on the couch numb.  About a week ago her husband passed away in his sleep.  Not sure why, he just did.  And I desperately wanted to go to her, to clean her house and pick up as she had done for me. But I couldn\"t..All I could do was text and call her.  My heart hurts for the pain her and her kids are feeling this holiday season, I know it all too well.  I want to shield them from it.  Take it from them so that her and her children do not have to feel what we have felt. And all I can do it call her or text her. How do I tell her it gets better,, no it doesn\"t really,, it gets easier,,, to live with the grief? Those words fell on deaf ears when they were said to me, and somehow it happens anyway,, you just learn, and keep on going, keep doing what we have to do...

Guess I will just hold her hand and walk beside her, like so many have done with me. 



Anyway,, just a few thoughts running through my mind as I work this snowy Sunday morning!  It\"s beautiful outside,, and all I can think about is Snow angels!  <3 <3 <3

Post from Jake October 12, 2016

This is a rant that I would put on my blog but I have forgotten my username and password. Hahaha.
I woke up today to a text from Darth Vader. (My Mum).
"Hey Bud. You okay?"
I show my wife and I say "what's up with her? Haha"
After like 20 minutes of our short conversation I realize what day it is. It's my Dads birthday. I sat down to think about it. Just the other night I was talking to Emily about how I'm so mad I never gave him a good gift and how I'll never have that chance to make up for it! His last birthday that I was there for (October 12 2013) I gave him adult diapers, condoms and a movie. I don't even remember what movie. I look back and I'm just so angry about it.
With today being what day it is, I thought I would be a lot more sad. It's been 669 days since the accident that forever has changed my life. In many bad ways, but also many good ways.
I'm not saying I'm happy about it, but I'm grateful for the accident. If the accident didn't happen, I would have been miserable on the rest of my mission like I was for the first year. I also, wouldn't be married to the love of my life and have a small family of my own right now.
I'm not sad as often as I used to be. I don't think about them as much. But when I do, the teas come. I embrace them. It reminds me of how much I love them and they love me.
I will forever be grateful that my Dad gave me the best present ever. He fixed my small broken family when I was 8 years old. He was and is the best Dad that i could have ever wanted. And I know that I can give him the perfect gift. I can give him a son to be proud of.

Open, honest and a little pissed off

I know most of you reading this know me,, let me just put this disclaimer,, I share my journey with all of you because, if one person, just one, can see that they are not alone in grief, in sadness, in thoughts of ending the pain,, and reading my story helps just one person,, I have done my job.. I live my life out loud,, I always have, and I will continue to do so.  As my friend #bruceatsmiths once told someone,, "I love Rhonda, because what you see is what you get, she sins out loud and is who she is honestly"   I just hope I can give someone the strength to ask for help

The best we can, that is all we can do. And we all do it different ways,  for some, a therapist is fantastic, for others, being up in the mountains, for others still, getting together with friends.  The list goes on and on with different ways we deal with life and the keeping ons that we keep on keeping on. Move forward, grow, progress, help each other.. that’s our ultimate goal is it not?

I posted this link on my facebook account,, because, well,, it's been a rough week. http://www.songhanhphuc.org/what-it-means-to-be-a-strong-woman-with-high-functioning-depression/

And someone actually commented: "Come on! Who doesn't battle this?  It's called life! It's really hard! Get up, suck it up! And tackle the day!"

Ummmmm,,, *blink* excuse me? Do you really think I enjoy thinking of ways to stop my pain? That I enjoy constantly feeling a void in my life, like something is missing, no matter what I do to fill it, it remains empty.. Suck it up???   Is that not what I am doing every single day??  I am breathing, and some days that is all I can do, as I have to remind myself to breath.  *As I slink back into my safe place where I can't upset anyone*


 I have had depression all of my life, and got diagnosed in 1995, after my first child was born,, I remember freaking out over literally, spilled milk,, and my daughter standing there in tears, OVER MILK!!  OK,, time to get a grip Rhonda,,, I went to the dr. and we talked,, and realized I have depression.  I was so embarrassed,, what Mom can't not yell at her kids?  I started my meds and sure enough, I because the Mom I knew I was supposed to be, one that didn't freak out over spilled milk.  So depression has been part of my life as long as I can remember,,

Having said that,,, 
I have never been one to struggle with living,, until recently. Thoughts of suicide were the last thing on my mind,,,However,,  Because depression is clearly not enough for me to deal with,, PTSD and Anxiety was added to the mix in Dec. 2014

I remember that night my life completely changed, I avoided the garage,because it would be too easy,,  I had thoughts of just driving off a cliff, and honestly didn't because I didn't want to be on life support,, I just wanted to be dead.. and that was not a guarantee,,,,   but oh how I wanted to just close my eyes and not wake up from this nightmare, it is a thought that is continuously in the back of my mind, on a daily basis.  One I don't give much attention to, because honestly, I have so much to live for!!  It is a struggle, not every day, most days are better than others, but some days,, some days it takes all I have to get out of bed, to even open my eyes,, and this last week has been one of those days.... Usually when I am struggling I reach out to Kenz, or my Mum, or Tom,, someone, and vocalize how I am feeling, so they are aware, and I make sure and reach out to my dr.  but this time I didn't,, I tried to deal with it on my own,, and it dawned on me about Wednesday, that I had forgotten to take my meds for the last 5 days,,  which would stand to reason as to why the TINEST thing was setting me off.. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be awake, I didn't want to be touched, I didnt want.....
and I cried, more than normal,, Poor Tom was at a loss as to what was happening, because this is not who I am,, "normally"
When it hit me that I had forgotten to take my medication, I immediately told Tom, and bless him, he just nodded,, didn't chastise me,, didn't belittle me or make me feel like a dork for forgetting,, we were busy playing and went to bed way late,, thus the forgetting,... I was cleaning out my closet and my shoes, because I can't wear my heels any more, and saw these,, Levi's church shoes,, he put them there, on my shoe rack, so he could find them easily on sunday mornings,, I can't take them off,,and I was telling Tom how empty my shoe rack was, and said "I am almost ready to sell the shoe rack, but levi's shoes,,*que tears*  and all Tom did was say,, THEN DON"T! You don't have to,, leave them there as long as you want.

The reason I am posting this and being so blatantly open about my struggles is because I know I am not the only one,, Yet there is still a "suck it up" attitude from those who do not fully understand how depression and all the other mental illness's work.

I used to never be home, I loved strolling through the mall, being on the go,, Ask my Mum,, it drove her nuts, she could never call because I was never home!!  Now,, I drive to work and home, that is it,, The thought of going to a Mall causes such a pit in my stomach, I want to throw up,, The thought of being around people and having to be pleasant at a house party,, nope,, don't wanna do it..

When we go out, Tom drives,, I hate being in my car,, I love my car,, I hate being in it,, I drive to work and home, and a dr appointment if needed, it is when I am in the car alone that I have those thoughts of driving off a cliff, so I either crank up my music and sing along, or I call my kids, or my Mum, or Tom,,  I am getting better and am able now to get groceries, but I need a list and a time frame, if I am alone..

Does any of that sound like the Rhonda you all knew years ago?

IT is a daily struggle, some days are easier than other,, but when I feel like I am being judged and told to suck it up, I quickly want to pull back into my shell, and ask myself why do I bother? Then I look at this... and I remember why I bother,

 My story is not done,, I have two kids who need me still, and a man who loves me with his whole heart, and works his damnest to give me the moon on a daily basis,, I have grandbabies that will need spoiling, and I can't and I WON"T make my children bury another parent. This tattoo helps me, it reminds me that they are with me, it reminds me what I have to look forward to, and all that I have accomplished.

Can we please quit judging,, can we please just love everyone,, Every single one of us has a story,,, and none of us wants someone elses story,, I know I can handle my story,, I know I don't want to handle the lady's story who is going through a divorce and feels completely alone, I don't want the story of the family who's son simply vanished 3 years ago, and now his parents are divorced.. I don't know how they do it,, and I don't need to,, it's not my business,, all I need to do is love,, all WE need to do is love,,,

SO just stop!  Stop judging,, stop being so quick to say suck it up and deal, because honestly,, that is what we are each doing every single day!!

<3

Older than his age

This kid was wise beyond his years.  He was mouthy, onery, spoiled beyond reason,, and wise beyond his years.

He knew when he could throw a fit, when he could argue, when he needed to be serious. Every one of his teachers had nothing but awesome things to say about him, his friends parents loved him, he was so well behaved, when he knew he needed to be! lol

He loved walking the temple grounds, he often told me that he liked how he felt when he was there, it "makes me feel happy and warm Mum, like my heart is full".

Fast forward to 2011, March 19th to be exact, He turned 8 on the 14th, and he was so excited to be baptized. And  we were all going to the temple that afternoon to be a forever family, and be sealed together for time and all eternity.  

Of all the kids, I expected him to laugh and smirk a little when he saw his Mum and Dad in their "special" clothes. Oddly though he wasn't the one that smirked.  He was so very reverent, and respectful, and he knew,, he just knew.  He was much older than his 8 years of mortal age. Of course after we were sealed, we could not get a "normal"picture of our family,, he was always such a clown, but he knew when he needed to show respect and reverence.

This picture, Levi is 5 yrs old and had run ahead of us

I look at this picture now, and think,, Oh he's waiting for me to catch up, just like he did that day!

I have a picture of my Mum holding Levi's hand as they are walking towards these steps,, I need to find it,, 

He just knew what was important, I came across a post I had made a few years ago, when he had gotten birthday cards from both grandparents, he walked up to me and said "Know what I love the most about these cards Mum?", Me: What bud? (expecting him to say 'the money, duh!), Levi: that my family took the time to remember me on my birthday and send me a card, I love that.

WOW!! WHAT??  Yea, I hugged him a little tighter that day

About a week before the accident, I was downstairs putting stuff away, and Levi comes out of his Lego room, very solem and sad, and I ask him what is wrong,, here's the conversation we had:

Me - what's wrong bud?

Levi - I just thought it's going to be a long time before I see Jake again.

Me- oh me too, but we are almost at the year mark, we get to see him soon!

Levi - Yea but Mum, he'll get him and I will be on my mission

Me- Buddy, you have 7 years before you can go on your mission, we are almost half way done,,, (IF ONLY I HAD HEARD WHAT HE WAS TELLING ME!)

Levi - Yea, there's that, but it,, it's going to be a long time before I get to see him again.

I laughed it off and went up and told his dad what had transpired...

one week later,,, they were both gone, Todd had posted a huge thank you, the day before the accident, to all the missionaries that had been in our home and set such incredible examples for our children.  THE DAY BEFORE!!!  Why had I not listened,, Why had I ignored the signs?

I think they both knew, but they couldn't articulate it, for obvious reasons,  Levi knew, Todd knew, That dang veil got in the way of letting me know.  I feel so absolutely ridiculous for not over analyzing our conversation the week before, for not reading too much into Todd's post, when I saw it.  

They are on their missions, and I am left wondering what other signs I missed,,,,

I think today, I will let my heart hurt and miss them a little more than I normally do.  It can be healing, so I hear.

<3

Ripped off

That's how I am feeling today.  Completely and utterly ripped off.  I should have a husband that has a new kidney and is healthy again.  I should have a 15 yr old driving me completely nuts, and we, as parents, try to determine how much is enough screen time, and whether or not it is worth the fight to turn it off.  It's a thin line,, that parenting and wanting to be their friends.  Wanting to ensure they grow up responsible, and productive, and wanting to let them do whatever, because heaven forbid he be mad at us!

I feel ripped off... ripped off of being a wife, of celebrating a huge double digit anniversary, of knowing he's there.

I feel ripped off of seeing my baby grow to be a man, of watching him come into his own through out the "FUN" teen years.

I often sit and wonder what he looks like, 4 years later,, how tall is he? What color is his hair? Do I still have to fight with him to eat? To shower? To clean his room...., oh who am I kidding, I gave up on that years ago!!

I want him back,,I want them both back.  It's weird because I know there Todd is healthy, he is doing what is needed.,,, He is whole again. and that makes my heart so happy, and I can't wait to see him again, and be reunited with him. 

Levi on the other hand,, was healthy,, happy,, excelling in everything he touched.  He was so smart, and above all he had his whole life ahead of him. Todd's aunt Sharon found some old pics of Todd, HOLY COW Levi is totally his mini me!!! TO A TEE!!!!

 I wonder what he would have been when he grew up, would he still be getting incredible grades? *Yep now I am crying at work,, I really hate March, and October*

I just am left wondering....

and that sucks.

   

That little gaffer in front, is my husband!!!!

That doll like boy that is half hiding behind his sister,, my husband.  <3

Isn't it amazing...

How life just keeps on going?  There was a horrible accident by our house,, maybe a month ago, where a lady, someone's wife, daughter, mother, got hit by a school bus and died.  That family is, I feel safe to assume, swallowed up in grief, trying to pick up the pieces of what is left of their shattered lives, while the rest of the world just keeps spinning around them, as though nothing has changed.  I think about that family every day, as I drive by the accident site on my way home from work.  It seems very unfair that the world just keeps turning, when such tragedy happens.  My heart hurts for that family.

Valentines day is fast approaching,,, never a holiday I have been excited to celebrate,, even when Todd was here. We always bought a little something for the kids,, helped them make "mail boxes" for school.. sometimes we would go out for dinner, but more times than not we cooked dinner at home.

And I continue to detest this holiday,, in such that,, I really don't want my husband/boyfriend to buy me flowers on FEB 14, when they are triple or more that they are next week,, because some saint did who knows what,, who knows where, and who knows why,,, seriously, without googling it, do you know why we celebrate Feb 14?

With Tom's 'lack of love" and being alone for so long, I wanted to do something special this year,,, and lucky me found a KILLER deal on a condo up in Bear Lake,, for 2 nights,, SOOOOO, I shot a text to his boss and begged him to let Tom off early on friday without telling him why,, Tom came home and there was a gift bag filled with a couple of his favorite things, with a card that said, "you, me, bear lake, now, no arguing"  and he got the biggest grin on his face! Seriously, this man loves Bear Lake, he spent most of his summers there with his family growing up, it would be similar to me taking him to Nanaimo, and showing him all the things I experienced there growing up.  HE was so completely excited.

I had dinner planned out for that night,, steak and shrimp, with a potato for him and cauliflower for me, and dessert.

He had wanted to go hunting on Saturday, so we just did that up there, we loaded up the truck and were off!!!!!

We had so much fun!!!!  Got to the condo, cooked dinner together, laughed, talked, enjoyed being together with no interruptions.  Saturday we got up and loaded up the guns, ammo, and lunch, and off we went to go find us some coyotes,,,,, Tom gets this brilliant idea to go up to Temple Canyon," ok,, fair enough, I trust him,, let's go! " Well just because there is no snow on valley floors,,,
***Let me interject here, and just say, we have a Chevy Silverado, with A-MAZING tires on it, SNOW is not an issue,, NORMALLY!,, never mind the fact that someone had taken down the "MOUNTAIN ROAD CLOSED FOR THE WINTER sign",, and up we go! The road was clear,, patches of snow,, here and there, no big deal, then we cross the cattle guard,,, and it's like we crossed into a different dimension, suddenly we are on an icy snow packed road, not a lot, but enough to make me nervous, actually I think it was more the sudden drop to the left of us that made me nervous.  We go slow, no big deal,, and keep climbing up,, we are 100 yards away from the public land we are looking to hunt, and suddenly we hear ice cracking, and the truck drops about a foot, Tom backs up and our back end swings towards the drop on the left hand side, *que panic attack*  he pulls forward and we are pulled to the right,, to the mountain side,, after about 30 minutes of trying, we realize we are really stuck and neither of us has phone service,,  I whisper,, "maybe we should say a prayer?", while blinking back tears..  he pauses and says "yep,, will you say it please?"  we offer up a prayer (same belief system helps when you are with someone!) and as we close the prayer, I grab my cell read my book and distract myself and notice we have cell service... YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
Tom calls the sheriff, and they say, nope cant come get ya due to liability,, call the tow company,,
so we call the tow company, and he says,, yep $175 an hour,, *UGH!!!!!* Don't really have a choice as we have no shovel, and we are stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck, and Tom did NOT want me walking in the cold to hike down the mountain,, although I totally would've done it just fine!!!!
So we tell the tow truck to come on up,, and yes there is snow,, and we wait,, he comes,, gets to the cattle guard and sees the road covered in snow and calls and says "I have to go back and get a different truck,, I didn't know there was snow"

WHAT THE HELL did you think we were stuck in,, Tom and I both told him we were stuck in snow,  UGH so we have to wait another 45-60 minutes for him to get to us, meanwhile the $$$$ are racking up.  Oh well, honestly, it is what it is,, Tom was stressing out, and feeling horrid, I was trying to destress the situation and point out the positives,, we had guns and ammo, if we needed to we could walk up to the public land and hunt for coyote meat, lol, we were together,, we were gonna be ok,, **This is probably why we work so well, honestly, when one of us is stressed, the other one is usually calm**  I crank the 80's cd we are listening to, I do the jig in the snow,, he chuckles,, ok I will let him stress, that is how he processes things,, and suddenly a GMC Yukon comes over the horizon,, seriously???

This truck is jacked up, huge tires,, lifted about 2 feet,, *guessing here*, and he and Tom talk, and he tells Tom " I was expecting a truck with teenie street tires on,, dang,, "  Tow man packs down the snow to make tracks for us, and shovels us out by making snow ramps to assist us in getting out of the ruts,, and we follow him, slowly,, BACKWARDS down the hill,, and here is where I am freaking out, tears and everything, and Tom is calm,,,, I am so scared we are going to end up and the bottom of the ravine!  *SIGH* we make it,, pay the guy, and Tom gets into his truck and apologizes all over the place, because clearly this is his fault,,, (Sasrcasm heavy here) and promises me that if I ever feel uncomfortable on a road to just tell him and he will stop and turn around.. "I never want to be the cause of that kind of pain for you again"  <<<  LOVE HIM!

Off we go, on our merry, broke way, to hunt,, and we only have enough day light to set up 2 stands at this point,, on our second stand, we see a ton of coyote tracks, and a set of wolf tracks,, and wouldn't you know that blasted wolf ran right in front of us!  And we can't shoot it, and dang those things are fast!!!!  lol  Beautiful and fast!  and the reason why we didn't see or hear any dogs in that area.. so back down we go, for a warm dinner and a quiet night back at the condo.

Sunday we got up and checked out, and Tom took me all over Bear Lake, to see all his memories up there,, Seriously want to retire there!!!

We took our time coming home and stopped to see my niece Courtney and her family, got some 4 month old baby twin girl snuggles in, and then we headed home,,

Undoubtably our most fun adventure yet!!!!

On the way home I slipped and called him "Todd" again,, *SIGH* and as I quickly correct myself he smiles and says "you're fine sweetheart",, I ask him, why do you smile when I do that? his response made me fall in love with him even more:
"I take it as a compliment,, Todd was your love, he had your heart, you trusted him the most, and for you to call me Todd,, what better compliment"

Don't tell me Todd didn't play a hand in bringing us together.  There's not a doubt in my mind.

pics are on my facebook!

This is cute Warren, Tom's grandson,,, Can't wait to see him again!

The truck that saved the day

Tom, assessing our situation

I got busted taking pics

My New Years Resolution

Dear Mr. Sumbot:

You told me 3 years ago you thought you hit a deer, you sobbed in my arms as you told me how sorry you were for taking a huge chunk of my world, you told me you were sober.  I said, that I forgive you, that it wasn't your fault, that I didn't blame you, you lied to me and told me you had NOT been drinking that night,, and I continued to forgive you, to try to let go of the anger, even after I found out your blood alcohol level was almost twice the legal limit that night,, Then 2 years ago, you took a stand I never thought you would take,,, you denied being the reason my life was ripped apart, you denied driving while intoxicated, you denied being responsible for killing anyone that night, YOU LIED...That's when your apology became nothing, that's when my heart grew cold towards you.

Up until that moment, you would come into my place of work and seek me out to hug me, to say hi, and I let you.  You would come up to me at church and tell me Mother's day was a hard day for you, and I listened.  You would drive by my home, trying to do who knows what....  Up until THAT moment, I let you.  Then the anger came back full throttle,,,,

I have held onto my anger for 2 years, I have let you have power over me for 2 years.  I have let you cause me to have anxiety attacks when you became employed at my place of employment, and the place that I considered one my safe places.  I have let your lies, your denial of your actions that night continue to haunt me.

People have told me you are having health issues that have all stemmed from that night.   I can't say that I am sorry about that.  Although I can't say I want anything bad to happen to you either.  It's a very tangled web.  When you see me in public your wife bolts in the other direction while you look at me and wink, like we have some deep, dark secret that no one knows about.

Through 2017,I have learned I can do hard things, things I have been avoiding doing because of your decision, things I never thought I would ever do again with a smile on my face. Above all,  I have come to terms with the fact that you will never accept responsibility for your actions that night,, I blame two people for that,, you,, obviously,  and the District Attorney for not prosecuting you to the fullest extent of the law.

 Here is how I plan on healing and finally be able to let go of my anger towards you, here is my 2018 New Years Resolution:

I am taking back control of me. 
I give this back to you to carry,, this is not mine to carry any more, it never was,  this was your doing, not mine, and certainly not those who's lives you took that night.
I  let go of my anger towards you.  It does nothing but cause me anxiety and panic attacks, when I see you in public, and I no longer give you control over me. I feel pity for you, that you can not face reality, that you will be living the rest of your life in a state of denial.
I will remember to breathe when I see you, I will look away, I will NOT acknowledge you, or your existence.  We are not friends... we do not have a deep dark secret that no one else knows.
I will NOT allow you to control where I shop, where I go to run errands and visit friends.
I  pray that you can one day offer the apology that you should've offered to me and my family that day in court.
I acknowledge that my hope for a sincere apology will most likely never come from you.


I will be happy. I will allow myself to have sad moments, moments when I miss them, when my arms ache to hold them again.  And I will continue to get up and move forward, although this time, without the anger.

 I am giving all that back to you.

Sincerely,

The one taking back control of her life.