So much has happened since I last blogged,, Thomas, Tom’s oldest, got married in October. November was quite, we celebrated Thanksgiving and worked.. haha adulting sucks sometimes!
I can’tt remember all that has happened to be honest. I did get a promotion at work,became certified in Education and was able to travel to Massachusetts for work, for a week at the end of October. IT was amazing!! and a huge feat for me,, I was able to travel, get my car, and maneuver the roads without having one panic or anxiety attack, that’s saying alot as I rarely drive in Utah without having one, I also, now get to work from home, which has been incredible this last week. I love not having to drive anywhere,, I can do my workout and come to work,, and shower after work! LOL It’s a perk!!
As the 4th anniversary of the accident comes closer, I am constantly wondering what trigger will happen to push me over the edge this year. The last three years have been so hard, the emptiness that creeps in. This year, I still did most of my shopping online, but there was excitement in doing it.. Finding just the right gift for my kids and everyone else. It didn’t really hit me when December 1st came,, I just didn’t notice.. no it hit me today, when pics of Levi’s last school assemble, and Todd waiting in the car for the assemble to start, came up on my phone this morning. My eyes welled up a bit, my heart ached a little more than normal,, and I let my mind wander to where we would be if the accident had not happened? I am pretty sure I would not have the friends I have in my life now, as 90% of them met me after the accident. I am not sure where I would be working, If I still would be at Smith’s or somewhere else.. Would Todd have gotten his kidney by now? Levi would be going to SunSet Ridge, finishing 9th grade, which is just mind blowing to me. I have to keep doing the math to remember what grade he would be in. All these questions come to mind, and I am so thankful for all the support and love that I feel on a daily basis since the accident.
I know I will still hurt this season, this year, I know I always will,, I guess what they say is true,, you just learn to live with it. You move forward, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that someone reaches out and catches you when you stumble or fall. You give yourself time, time to be angry, time to cry, time to help your children, time to heal, time to be.You learn to ask for what you need, instead of portraying strength, you portray, not weakness, but.... grief?, I am not sure what to call it. We tend to put up a wall,, "No I don\"t need anything" I am good, thank you, when our mind is screaming,, HUG ME, HOLD ME, HELP ME...
Right now my heart is in Virginia, with a friend of mine who was just about to be called as the Relief Society President in our ward, when all this happened. I vividly remember her and two other ladies coming to my house that night, and cleaning,, dishes, picked up levi\"s room so people to sleep there, when they got there, I just sat on the couch numb. About a week ago her husband passed away in his sleep. Not sure why, he just did. And I desperately wanted to go to her, to clean her house and pick up as she had done for me. But I couldn\"t..All I could do was text and call her. My heart hurts for the pain her and her kids are feeling this holiday season, I know it all too well. I want to shield them from it. Take it from them so that her and her children do not have to feel what we have felt. And all I can do it call her or text her. How do I tell her it gets better,, no it doesn\"t really,, it gets easier,,, to live with the grief? Those words fell on deaf ears when they were said to me, and somehow it happens anyway,, you just learn, and keep on going, keep doing what we have to do...
Guess I will just hold her hand and walk beside her, like so many have done with me.
Anyway,, just a few thoughts running through my mind as I work this snowy Sunday morning! It\"s beautiful outside,, and all I can think about is Snow angels! <3 <3 <3
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